


Home sweet home

by TooAwkwardForLife (MickeyJrWrites)



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Neurodiversity, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-09-13 00:17:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 51,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9097024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MickeyJrWrites/pseuds/TooAwkwardForLife
Summary: "We're dating." The words echo through Erin's mind like a ghost. So she does the only thing she can think of doing: visiting Holtzmann in the middle of the night.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

She shouldn’t be here. She’s behaving like the impulsive teenager she never even was. She should know better. She should leave and go home and just talk about all this Monday morning like a mature adult when she’s clear headed and well rested and not a nervous mess.

But she’s not thinking straight and Holtz’s words keep floating through her mind.

_“We’re dating.”_

Doctor Gorin hadn’t even flinched at the information. Abby had just agreed blindly, like she knew.

_“We’re dating.”_

It was ridiculous. They were not dating. Erin would have known, wouldn’t she? And she didn’t know. She didn’t even know Holtzmann was even remotely interested in her.

“But think about all the flirting.” Abby said to her, “Think about all the dancing.”

“She does that to everyone.” Erin had genuinely believed that until Abby literally snorted and shook her head.

“Gilbert, she doesn’t.”

“She doesn’t?”

“She doesn’t.”

And Erin freaked out. Like she always does, it’s nothing new. But usually, her freak outs involve more crying under the covers and less marching out of the firehouse in her jammies and bunny slippers in the middle of Friday night in flipping New York with only a Swiss army knife to protect her.

But she’s a Ghostbuster now, and she ain’t afraid of nothing. Except that cat that screeched in the ally on her way over here, that kind of scared the bejeezus out of her but in Erin’s defense, it was really really loud.

She did this though. She marched her scrawny ass all the way to Holtzmann’s apartment block and now here she stands. Scared out of her mind but she’s here. She got herself this far. She can’t give up now.

Well… she can give up. Of course she can. But she won’t! She’s a Ghostbuster! She’s a Ghostbuster and she’s not afraid. Not at all.

So with a finger that’s definitely not shaking, no sir not at all shaking, that’s just your eyeballs shaking not her finger, not at all her finger, she reaches out and presses the buzzer.

And it takes all the willpower in the world not to run away, because though she had foreseen that she would be a slight tad bit nervous, she hadn’t thought about the wave of nausea that would be unleashed in her stomach the second she rang Holtzmann’s doorbell.

She’s going to puke.

“Who’s there?” Holtzmann’s voice crackles through the intercom system, and Erin nearly gasps at how angry she sounds.

“Uh… it’s Erin?”

“Erin? Who gave you my address?” Holtzmann wonders and Erin can hear some sort of loud wailing alarm going off in Holtz’s apartment and she knows, she _knows_ this is a bad time.

“I… Abby… but…” Her earlier confidence fades with every breath she takes and this was just a phenomenally bad idea, “It’s not important. Don’t worry. I’m just going to go home now. Sorry for bothering you Holtzmann.”

Holtzmann sighs, “Of course Abby, damn her. Come on up Gilbert. Third floor, apartment C.”

Erin hesitates for a second before pushing the door open. This seemed like such a good idea when she left the firehouse. She would come here, see Holtzmann and demand an explanation for what happened when doctor Gorin visited. And demand an explanation for why it made her feel so weird inside.

But now as she pushes more buttons in the elevator that’s supposed to take her to that infuriating blonde engineer, Erin is a little scared.

More than a little. But there’s no going back. Holtzmann is waiting for her now, and Erin can’t undo this. She can’t undo the fact that she’s in an elevator in her pajamas in the middle of the night. Holtzmann is going to want an explanation for all this.

But Erin suddenly just doesn’t know anymore.

The elevator dings, announcing her arrival at that terrifying third floor and Erin can _hear_ Holtz’s apartment before she sees it.

There’s a noise coming from one of the doors, a distressed sort of humming wail, eerily similar to a ghost. Erin can’t explain the noise, only that it’s constant and annoying and definitely coming from apartment C.

She knocks twice and the hum turns into a sort of screaming and Erin is scared.

When Holtzmann opens the door, she looks exhausted in her boxers and tank top.

“What the hell Gilbert? It’s three in the morning.” Holtzmann hisses, “Are you wearing your jammies? Tell me you didn’t just cross New York in your jammies Gilbert?”

But Erin can’t answer. She barely even sees Holtz standing in front of her. Her focus is drawn completely to the kicking and screaming mass of blond _child_ that’s slightly too large to sit on Holtz’s hip but is definitely sitting on Holtz’s hip.

“Get inside before we wake up the entire block.” Holtzmann says, she seems completely unfazed by the repeated kicks to her side, disappearing inside the apartment.

“I…” Erin follows her, if she could think, she’d be freaking out even more right about now, but her cognitive capabilities have fled the scene. There’s no thinking happening, just staring. She can barely remember to close the door behind her.

“You… uh… child…” she stammers.

“Congratulations on having eyeballs Doctor.” Holtzmann doesn’t sound like her normal teasing self, she’s sarcastic and tired and Erin doesn’t know what to do with this version of Holtzmann at all.

The child seems to get more upset by the minute, and Erin doesn’t know much about children but she does know he’s way too old to be throwing this kind of tantrum. He’s kicking Holtzmann and hitting himself in the head with his tiny fists and he keeps doing that weird wail-scream-humming combination.

“Sit down, I need to calm him.” Holtzmann directs her attention to the flailing little human with a focus she doesn’t even have for her nuclear machinery, “Let’s go to the calm corner, okay buddy? It’s okay Michael.”

It’s almost like he’s crying but he’s not. There’s no tears, not that high broken sound that Erin usually hears when kids cry. It’s just constant. Like a running engine. Like he’s trying to hum with his mouth open.

“Here we go.” Holtz puts him down his butt facing the corner and she sits down behind him. She wraps her arms around him much like Patrick Swayze in Ghost and Erin doesn’t know why her mind goes there, but it does.

She understands immediately though, Holtzmann uses her own body to pin Michael’s arms to his side. He can’t hit himself anymore. And he notices.

The constant hum turns to a panicky, desperate shouting and Michael uses his entire body to get away from Jillian’s tight grip. He flails and kicks and slams his head back into her shoulder time and time again.

“It’s okay buddy, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Holtzmann ignores his screaming even though it’s breaking Erin’s heart, and she just rocks the two of them like she’s comforting a crying baby.

“ _Stars shining bright above you._ ” Holtzmann starts singing softly and gently over his incessant cries, cradling him close to her, “ _Night breezes seem to whisper I love you.”_

She sings and sings until his screams turn to hums again and Erin just stands there and stares. Because what the hell is happening around her?

“Are you good buddy? I’ll let you go now, okay? No hitting yourself.” Holtz scoots away carefully, like she’s handling nuclear material, but Michael stays sort of calm, rocking himself and humming.

And then Holtzmann turns to face her, and Erin can see the tears falling down her cheeks quietly. She rubs her face with her sleeve quickly, but Erin still saw.

“Holtzy…”

“Michael, Jillian is going to talk to her friend in the kitchen, okay buddy?” Holtzmann says softly, “You can come out of the corner when you’re ready.”

The boy doesn’t respond, he keeps rocking his small body, humming loudly to block out the rest of the world.

Holtzmann watches for another second, to be sure, and then drags Erin to the kitchen.

“What is wrong with you Gilbert?” Holtz looks angry, “What are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night, you could have gotten hurt!”

“I… uh…” Erin can’t help it, her eyes flit back to the living room where they left the freaking child that seems to be living with freaking Jillian Holtzmann and Holtz has a child? Holtz has responsibilities? What kind of creepy alternate universe is this?

“You woke Michael up! Do you know how long it’s going to take to get him back on track now? His whole week is going to be messed up!”

Holtz doesn’t look angry, Holtz _is_ angry. Holtz is seething and Erin has never seen so much emotion pour out of the woman in front of her.

But this is not fair.

“How the heck was I supposed to know that you have a flipping child here Holtz?!” Erin shoots back, she doesn’t know why she’s so angry, but suddenly she is and the confusion of earlier mixes with the complete surprise and the nerves and it all just explodes inside of her, “That’s something that maybe you should tell your friends Jillian!”

“You have no idea what…”

“No I don’t!” Erin interrupts and she would have never dared to do that before but she’s so angry and that hum in the background from Jillian’s flipping child keeps reminding her that there is a child and there’s a child she didn’t know about and how dare she? “You told her we are dating Jillian! _Dating_!”

“Oh so that is what this is about? You’ve come to yell at me for assuming something and making a complete dick out of myself?” Jillian shoots back, “Newsflash, I got the message Erin! I’m embarrassed enough as is, you didn’t have to drag your ass over here to ruin my night too!”

“I didn’t come to yell at you!”

“Then stop freaking yelling!”

A flash of red and blue pajamas hurls past Erin, with his humming noise and uncoordinated arms, running into Holtzmann’s legs and nearly knocking her over.

He’s wailing still, and Erin wants to tell him to knock it off but there’s something in the way Holtzmann picks him back up again, unflinching as he starts smacking her shoulder.

“Hmmmmmmmmmm Mamama mamama mamama!” He’s loud and he slams his head against Holtz’s multiple times and Erin thinks she should interfere but Holtzmann is so eerily calm under it all and that freaks Erin out even more.

“You’re right buddy, you’re right. We’re very loud huh? No more yelling, we’ll stop. It’s okay.” Holtz grabs one of his flailing hands to stop him from hurting her more, “You’re right buddy. We’re quiet now, we’re quiet.”

And it strikes Erin as odd how Michael doesn’t say one word, but Holtz acts like an entire conversation is happening.

She rocks him like a baby until he stops kicking her.

“You should go to bed, don’t you think? You don’t want to be tired tomorrow, do you?”

Michael flaps his arm and Holtzmann nods thoughtfully, “I know buddy, I know, but she won’t bother you. She’s my friend. She’s a doctor like Abby. You like Abby, remember?”

“Mama mamama mamama.”

“I’m here buddy, it’s okay. Let’s get you back in bed, huh?”

Holtzmann walks away without another word, but Erin knows she should not follow. She just knows for some reason.

So she stays in the kitchen and waits. And looks around.

Holtzmann’s home is nothing like she expected. She doesn’t know what she had expected. Some clutter, sure. If Holtz’s lab in the firehouse was any indication, this apartment should be a biochemical hazard.

But this… If Holtzmann hadn’t just sprung a surprise child on her this would have been one bridge too far for Erin’s brain. It’s so… clean…

Not just clean, but completely spotless. It’s cleaner than Erin’s place has ever been and she cleans at least once every other day. Even the cooking books are in alphabetical order.

This is… this is insane.

She dares a little shuffle in the direction of the living room. Maybe the kitchen would be an exception, maybe Holtz just has a thing about food, though she once saw the woman eat a Pringle from the floor.

The kitchen is not an exception. This living room… it looks like she’s staring into a catalogue. Or barbie’s dreamhouse, but without the pink. Even the cushions on the couch seem to be perfectly placed.

The only thing that doesn’t seem to belong is the ginormous whiteboard, a little like the one Erin has back at the lab. This one isn’t filled with equations though, it’s more like… a weekplanner of sorts?

“We like to keep our things neat.” Holtz says suddenly, “Makes it easier to know how we’re feeling.”

Erin nods, because she has no idea what else to do.

“That’s our board. I made it so Michael knows what’s going to happen.” Holtz points proudly, “This says what clothes he needs to put on, and this row is for his magnets so he can tell me how he’s feeling about certain things we’re going to do. Like next week, we’re going to the museum, that has a happy magnet.”

“He…”

“He has autism.” Holtzmann says it so easily, like it’s not a big deal, but Erin saw exactly what a big deal it was, “He has trouble telling me how he feels. But he’s a good kid, don’t judge him on what you just saw. I didn’t really prepare him for midnight surprise visitors.”

“I’m sorry.”

Holtz shrugs, “It happens. You didn’t know, it’s alright.”

“Did he… hurt you?” Erin worries about the kicking and the slamming from before.

“Just some bruises, no biggie. You should have seen him when he met Abby.” Holtzmann chuckles, “He headbutted me so hard, I looked like a raccoon for two weeks.”

Erin chuckles along, but she can’t find it funny at all.

“You worry too much Gilbert.” Holtz says softly, “I’m fine.”

“Are you?”

Holtzmann does a weird sort of shoulder moving thing, “I have to be, right? But that’s enough about me, what brings you here Er-bear. And in your jammies at that?”

“I… you… you said…” Erin’s mind is spinning.

“With doctor Gorin?” Holtzmann shrugs self consciously, “Just a dumb joke, Erin. You know me. When am I ever serious?”

“But you… I thought you were…” Erin didn’t consider this, the fact that Holtz could be joking. She’s seen Holtz joke around, when she told doctor Gorin… it didn’t seem like a joke to Erin.

But that’s all it was.

“You didn’t strike me as the person to come to my house to yell at me though.” Holtzmann says, “So uh… I’m sorry about it.”

“Don’t… don’t be sorry.” Erin shrugs, “I didn’t come over to yell at you. I just… I didn’t expect…” she waves around the room awkwardly, “I didn’t expect all this.”

“Why did you come over then?”

Erin shakes her head, she honestly doesn’t know the answer to that question.

“I thought you were serious. That we needed to have a conversation about… that.”

“We don’t… need to have a conversation. Not serious.” Holtz scuffs her toe on the floor, “No conversation needed.”

“Yeah good. That’s good.” Erin mumbles and she doesn’t know why but suddenly she just wants to go home. She wants to go home and have her regular freak out crying under the boring covers of her boring apartment all alone. She wants to cry.

“Good.” Holtz echoes.

A moment of silence passes between them. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and not at all like the silences she’s used to in the firehouse, when they just work on their own things side by side. Those are fun silences because she can look up and watch Holtz do something completely unfathomable like creating a gun with scrap metal and her two hands. Those are good silences.

This one isn’t. And Erin is desperate to break it.

“So…” She doesn’t really know what to say, but she wants to say something, “You have a kid…”

“Brother.” Holtz corrects and there’s a small smile pulling on her lips and thank god, Erin did something right today, “He turned 7 last month. Abby bought him a dinosaur book that he can’t put down, it’s all kinds of adorable.”

Erin wants to nod her agreement, because yes, a small human with a book is generally considered to be adorable. But instead of some sort of affirmative hum, a loud yawn falls from her lips.

“Someone’s tired.” Holtz jokes, “Come on, you can stay here tonight. You already have your jammies. You can borrow some clothes in the morning.”

“I don’t want to… disturb your schedule…”

Holtzmann smiles, maybe for the first time since Erin barged in here, “Very considerate Gilbert, but it’s already disturbed. We can’t make it much worse than it is. You’re sleeping in my room though, I want to make sure he doesn’t kill you in your sleep.”

Erin’s eyes widen.

And Holtzmann cracks up, “Just kidding Gilbert! Jeez! At most he would throw a dinosaur at you. Very hard plastic little fuckers. I so regret buying those.”

“Holtzmann! You cannot use your brother’s handicap for comedic gain!” Erin chastises.

“What else am I going to do? Cry about it?” Holtzmann shrugs, “Been there, done that Er-bear. Doesn’t do you any good. Come on, my room is this way.”

“I’ll sleep on the couch Holtzy.”

“No you won’t.” Holtzmann grabs her hand and pulls her along, “I was joking about him killing you, the dinosaur-throwing is a real thing though. Trust me. You’re going to need all the protection you can get from those monsters.”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

For the first time in what might be years, Erin wakes up from the sun shining bright on face. Usually she wakes up to the harsh beeps of her alarm clock, but not today.

She doesn’t even need to look at the clock to know that she’s slept in today, and she can’t really bring herself to care.

She’s comfy. She’s so goddamn comfy that she turns over in the bed to snuggle into the pillows and sleep some more.

Except she can’t. Because something, _someone_ is holding her down with an arm thrown over her middle.

Holtzmann. Erin actually shakes her head with a smile and nudges Holtz’s shoulder.

“Hey, move Holtzy.”

Holtzmann garbles something unintelligible, barely even twitches and Erin knows the engineer is still completely dead to the world. And for some reason, she doesn’t mind at all.

She pulls Holtz’s arm away from her body and turns her back to the blonde. And then she lets Holtz grab her again, even tighter, grumbling and snuggling up until Erin can feel her nose pressed against her shoulder.

If she was slightly more awake, maybe Erin wouldn’t have allowed this. But she’s sleepy and comfy and Holtz is warm and soft against her back.

“Stop moving.” Holtzmann grumbles and Erin never knew she could be this comfortable in anyone’s arms.

Holtz nuzzles her shoulder like cat begging for attention, and Erin swears she can feel soft lips bump against her skin.

“Er, babe, five more minutes?” Yeah, those are definitely kisses pressed against her shoulder, “I’ll be up in five minutes.”

“Hmmm.” Erin agrees, yes she would very much like five more minutes just like this. Even if Holtzmann falls right back asleep, stopping that darned cute nuzzling, Erin doesn’t think mornings can get any better than this.

If she could, she’d wake up like this every morning, with Jillian clutching her like this and waking her with little kisses and…

Wait…

Kisses?

A cold shiver down her spine breaks the warm safe cocoon of their shared bed. Why would she want Jillian to kiss her? And why does she want Jillian to kiss her so badly?

This isn’t right and she should go. She should go before there’s more cuddling because Erin doesn’t think she can handle any more of Jillian’s cute face and when exactly did her face become this cute? That’s not fair, she should not look like this. She shouldn’t. This is all her fault, her and her stupid cute face.

Erin carefully slips out of Holtzmann’s arms, trying to ignore how cold she suddenly is without the engineer attached to her.

She sits up in the bed, trying to make sense of it all, of herself. This shouldn’t be happening. Whatever this is. It shouldn’t happen.

She wants to cry or scream but that would wake Holtzmann and waking her seems like a phenomenally bad idea because a cute face is one thing, but a cute face with a cute person attached to it could just be Erin’s undoing.

Just as she’s about to run from the situation, something she’s unsurprisingly good at, ask Abby, just when she wants to get out of that bed and change her name and move to China, the door creaks open.

Michael tiptoes inside in his blue and red pajamas and his blond curls sticking up at a funny angle. He doesn’t seem to really look at her, he sort of just glares at the wall behind her.

And then she notices how he’s clutching his plastic dinosaurs. And she remembers Holtz’s warning from the night before.

“Uh… hi Michael? I’m Erin? From last night?” She tries not to be too nervous, but her voice is high pitched and shaky, “Did you sleep… Ow! No don’t throw…”

A triceratops hits her hard on her arm, and Michael has another monster already flying through the air.

“Holtz wake up!” Erin yells, ducking the carnotaurus that was definitely aimed at her head.

“Hmm five minutes.” Holtzmann grumbles again, the other Holtzmann throws another dinosaur.

“Ow! Holtzmann! Wake up now!”

“Noooooooo.”

Erin ducks again, kicking Jillian in the side but the woman just will not wake up and maybe she’s used to this kind of abuse in the morning but Erin is not and she will not have this.

“Michael Holtzmann I swear to Einstein if you throw that allosaurus at me, I will be very upset!”

“Ooooooh… first _and_ last name, seems like you’re in trouble bud.” Jillian finally _finally_ wakes up with a crooked grin and even crazier hair than usual and Erin just sort of stares at her for a second before turning back to the dinosaur-throwing menace at the foot of the bed.

Michael still had the allosaurus at the ready, but his head is sort of cocked, like he’s pondering a very big question. And then he dashes out of the room.

“You okay?” Holtzmann asks, “He didn’t hit you in the face or anything, did he?”

“No… I’m fine. It’s good.”

“Good… did you sleep well?”

Erin nods.

“Great. That’s great.”

She doesn’t know why things are so awkward, well, she does know, but she wishes they weren’t. She wishes she didn’t remember exactly how soft Jillian’s lips felt against her shoulder, or the way her voice cracked when it was heavy with sleep.

Michael comes back, arms full of dinosaurs and Erin flinches for a second but then he just dumps the plastic monstrosities onto the bed.

“Uh…”

Michael crawls up on the bed next to his heap of dinosaurs and holds one up to Erin expectantly.

“Oh, now you’ve done it.” Holtzmann chuckles.

“Does he want me to play?” Erin isn’t so sure how she went from target practice to playdate, but Michael keeps trying to shove the dinosaur at her, so she must have done something right.

Jillian shakes her head with a smile, “No, he doesn’t play. He wants you to tell him what dinosaur it is.”

“Oh… I’m not that kind of doctor, sweetie. I’m not a historian.”

“He doesn’t care. Just tell him what you know. He sucks it up like a sponge.” Holtzmann ruffles his hair proudly, not even fazed when he pulls away from her touch, “I’m starting the pancakes for breakfast. I’ll call when they’re ready.”

Erin wants to beg not to leave her alone with the child. It’s a child. She doesn’t know anything about children. What is she going to do? What if she does it wrong?

Michael bumps the dinosaur against her hand again and she takes it from him, because what else is she going to do?

“This is… uh… this is a brontosaurus.” Erin inspects the plastic little monster, “It lived in the Jurassic Period and uh… it was super big. One of the largest animals that ever lived on the earth.”

Michael holds up another one for inspection.

“That’s a velociraptor. They lived in the late Cretaceous Period… so uh… he never met the brontosaurus.” Erin frowns, “Why do you have them together? That doesn’t make sense, they didn’t live in the same eras. This is hardly appropriate, these toys give you completely wrong ideas. We need to fix this…”

 

* * *

 

“What is going on here?” Holtzmann whistles when she comes back, “Twenty minutes of unsupervised playtime and this is what you do with him?”

Erin looks over the bed to see the mess of dinosaurs they’ve spread out. They had arranged all their dinos by their time period, and then divided them again in omnivores, herbivores and carnivores.

“He can’t put a brontosaur with a velociraptor Holtz, that’s just not right.” Erin shrugs, she’s not ashamed of her slightly manic tendencies and Michael seemed to have a good time too.

“It’s a toy, my beloved neurotic cupcake, it’s not supposed to be right.” Holtz smiles despite her words, “You had fun with Doctor Gilbert, buddy?”

“Mamama mamama.” Michael flaps his hand and Jillian nods. And the weird thing is, it’s really just flapping, there’s no sign language or not even the slightest bit of coordination whatsoever, just flapping. But Jillian nods and smiles, and it warms Erin’s heart.

“Yeah she’s the coolest.” Holtz says and the wink she sends Erin makes her cheeks flush, “Ready for breakie?”

And then she giggles because it kind of rhymes and she pulls Michael up off the bed even though he slaps at her when she goes to touch him.

“Come on Er-bear. Pancakes will get cold.” She holds her hand out and Erin hesitates just a second because she wants to hold that hand, more than she’s ever wanted to hold any hand before and it _terrifies_ her.

But she’s a goddamn Ghostbuster and she knows for a fact that there are scarier things in this universe and she fought those scarier things. She fought and she won and sure, she wasn’t alone but she isn’t alone now either. Holtzmann is with her, staring at her with those big blue eyes and Erin isn’t alone.

She isn’t alone and she grabs Holtz’s hand with her own sweaty one and she tries really hard not to be embarrassed about that little fact.

Holtz’s smile widens so much when she pulls Erin to her feet and Erin thinks about the night before, about Holtz telling that it was just a stupid joke.

_“We’re dating.”_

And she thinks of waking up this morning, cradled in Holtz’s strong arms, being kissed and kissed and _kissed_ even if it was just on the shoulder.

_“We’re dating.”_

It wasn’t a joke. Erin knew it then, she knew it last night and she knows it now. Holtzmann wants to date her. Holtzmann wants her.

“You still there Doc?” Holtzmann frowns, “You kinda spaced out there.”

“Yeah… I’m fine… I’m really good actually…”

Holtz throws her a slightly doubtful look, but she doesn’t let go of her hand as she pulls Erin along to the kitchen, Michael in tow.

“Pancakes with syrup for my favorite miniature human!” Holtz announces proudly, “And pancakes with whatever you want for my favorite adult human.” And Erin flushes red like a tomato, she’ll never get used to the way Holtzmann compliments her so casually.

But she can’t say she doesn’t like it.

“Syrup too please.” Is all she can bring herself to say through her awkward embarrassment.

Holtzmann diligently drenches one tiny stack of pancakes with the sticky substance and passes the plate to her brother. When she passes Erin’s plate though, the scientist notices a vast difference.

“Holtzy, did you put a smiley face on my pancakes?”

“I sure did cupcake!.” Holtzmann winks, “You like?”

“Doesn’t Michael want a smiley too?” Erin can’t help the slightly worried look at the boy who’s already shoveling his breakfast into his mouth.

“Nah, smiley faces don’t really provide the perfect syrup to pancake ratio.” Holtzmann ruffles his hair affectionately, and Erin wonders why she keeps doing it because every time Michael pulls away, “He likes his pancakes covered a certain way. Also, he doesn’t get the comic effect of smiley faces.”

“Oh… he doesn’t…” Erin falters, “Does he get jokes? Or… I don’t know… I just don’t know how he… he has emotions right?”

“Of course he does! He just doesn’t know how to express his emotions and he doesn’t recognize ours. Unless they’re like really obvious.” Holtzmann shrugs, “If I start crying, he’ll know I’m sad. But you know that thing people do when they show their frustration in their voice, without really saying it? He won’t understand that. It has to be obvious. Right buddy?”

For a second, Erin is sure she can see him nod. Or he just angled his head to catch a piece of pancake dangling from his fork. She’s not sure, it could go either way.

But Holtz beams down at him, so Erin thinks they will just pretend that it was a nod.

“Why does he live here? Or is he just visiting?”

Holtzmann pauses and maybe Erin just hit a sensitive subject.

“Er-bear, I love you and I know you’re trying super hard to be nice and all. But this conversation is weirding me out a bit Sweetcheeks. Michael is sitting right there, he’s autistic, not deaf. I don’t like talking about him like he’s not there.”

“You love me?”

That’s not what she wanted to say, not at all. It just flapped out. She wanted to apologize for being rude to little Michael, not say… _that_.

Holtzmann laughs. Louder than she’s been ever since Erin barged in here. And it’s not… she isn’t laughing at her. Not at all. It’s a happy laugh, joy sparkling in blue eyes and Erin can’t help but smile along.

And then she notices Michael, who’s staring a little bewildered at the two of them before deciding that yes, something fun happened. And he smiles too. A little shy, barely there, but definitely a smile and for some reason it makes Erin smile that much wider.

Holtz sees it too and she’s nearly vibrating off her chair with happiness.

“Of course I love you, you glorious weirdo!” Holtz says it so easily, “And I love you too Michael.”

“Mamama.” Michael agrees with a little nod and his tentative smile and Erin just feels her insides turning to goo because they caused that smile and it’s absolutely mindblowing.

“No honey, _sis_. I’ll even take brobro at this point, but not mama.” Holtzmann tries, but Michael happily ignores her to go back to his pancakes.

“You too…”

Holtzmann whips her head back to face Erin, “Whaaaaat?”

“I love you too…”

Holtz’s smile falters a bit. Her blue eyes shine with all the questions she doesn’t dare to ask but Erin can see them, she can feel them.

“Of course I do.” Erin adds on, but the nerves swirling through her stomach are clawing their way up, passing her heart to make it beat too fast, through her throat to make it feel like it’s on fire, up and up to her brain and taking over everything, “You’re one of my best friends. Of course I love you.”

Holtz’s grin fades completely, even though she catches herself with a slight nod and a smile even faker than Michaels, “As friends.”

Erin nods, backing out completely, “As friends.”

She doesn’t really know why she feels her heart hurting so much.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

Erin leaves the Holtzmanns after breakfast in a pair of Jillian’s sweats and a t-shirt. She spends the rest of her weekend in bed, replaying her epically failed love-confession again and again.

And thinking about why on earth she even wanted to make that confession. She didn’t go to Holtz’s apartment for _that_ , honestly. She just wanted to talk to her, wanted to know what she had meant when she told Doctor Gorin…

_“We’re dating.”_

She spends her entire weekend thinking about how those words made her feel. And honestly, she still doesn’t know at all.

Holtzmann is so different from anyone she has ever met. She sparkles when everyone else seems so serious. She’s never seen anyone so excited about physics, not ever herself and physics is her biggest passion.

And Holtz gets that excited about pretty much anything. She’s everything Erin is not. And Erin _likes_ it.

So after an entire weekend of deliberating, this is how far she’s come: Holtzmann holding her or talking to her or looking at her or doing pretty much anything, gives her the warm fuzzies.

Like being under her blanket with a warm cup of coffee and her favorite documentary on the Higgs-Boson particle. It’s simple happiness. It’s so simple.

It’s not butterflies and rollercoasters and rainbows and all those other things she’s always heard about. Erin doesn’t know what to do with that. It’s not the epic lovestory that she’s always thought she would have one day.

There’s no prince on a white horse, just a crazy mad scientist with a pimped out hearse and a little brother.

But maybe she doesn’t need rainbows if she can have 80s pop music and dance parties instead. Maybe her prince hasn’t come yet because her heart was waiting for a blowtorch-wielding nuclear engineer.

Erin just can’t figure out what do with herself or with Holtz or with the other Holtzmann. Because she can’t just date one Holtzmann, if that even is what she wants, she has to take a little mister Holtzmann on too.

She’s not equipped to take care of him, she doesn’t know the first thing about autism. Well, she does know some things, she did spend her Sunday on Google reading every possible article on Michael’s disability.

She’s smart enough to know that reading something doesn’t make you an expert though. She’s smart enough not to fool herself into thinking she knows how to handle him just because she read a list of symptoms. She doesn’t even know what symptoms apply to him, though the muteness seems like a given.

But all of the thinking in the world won’t do her any good if she can’t talk to Holtz. Because all this is just bringing her right back to where they started, with just one of them thinking they are dating and a whole lot of awkwardness.

Erin is stuck so deep inside her own mind, she doesn’t even see the way Abby grins at her when she gets to the firehouse on Monday, almost an hour later than usual because she got so distracted with thoughts of Holtzmann. She just mumbles a half hearted good morning and drags her feet to her desk.

Her desk that she left empty last Friday. Her desk that now holds a bouquet of flowers inside… Is that a beaker? A beaker instead of a vase?

“Uh… Abby? Why are there flowers on my desk?”

“Don’t ask me Gilbert.” Erin can just _hear_ how much fun her friend is having with knowing something she doesn’t.

“Is she here?!” Holtz suddenly screams from the second floor down, and Erin thinks this might be a good time to bring up their need for an intercom again but Holtzmann is already storming down the stairs. The noise of her heavy boots thundering against the old stairs makes Erin flinch a little.

One day the blonde is just going to thunder a hole into their firehouse, she’s sure of it.

“You like them?” Holtzmann frigging beams at her like a child on Christmas morning, a hint of a blush coloring her cheeks.

“You got me flowers?”

Holtz grins even wider, “Well, usually I get a girl flowers _before_ they spend the night, but… yeah.”

“YOU SLEPT TOGETHER?”

Erin’s quick _No!_ comes right with Holtz’s overeager nod and it’s like an instant flashback to last Friday.

_“We’re dating.”_

Erin doesn’t want to cause that look of hurt on Holtzmann’s face again.

“I stayed over, but we didn’t…” She’s trails off with a blush, trying to ignore Abby’s gleeful stare, “I just stayed over, okay?”

But Abby has that glint in her eye, that shit-eating grin that tells Erin she’s not going to let them off the hook, “Just stayed over? I thought you hated sleepovers?”

Erin can _feel_ Holtz swiveling around to stare at her, “You hate sleepovers?”

“No! I mean yes! But no!” Erin fumbles, “I hated them when we were kids, because nobody ever invited us. It’s easier to say you don’t want to go than to admit that you’re not welcome.”

“Oh boo…” Holtzmann’s hand rests on her shoulder, “See what I did there? Boo? Like a ghost?!”

“My god Holtzy…” Abby shakes her head, “That was a bad one. Even for you.”

Holtz pouts overdramatically, “No it wasn’t! Whadda you think Gilbert? You wanna be my boo?”

Erin flushes instantly and squeaks like a little girl, “Jillian!”

But Holtz laughs happily, so maybe Erin doesn’t mind the embarrassment that much. She wants to tell her cute engineer that yes, god yes she wants to be her boo.

She hazards a look at Abby though, who’s still smirking infuriatingly at them. Even if she had the balls to tell Holtz what she really wants to tell her, there’s no way in hell she could do it with Abby as a captivated audience.

“Seriously though,” Abby’s voice is so much softer suddenly, “How did it go?… you know… Michael doesn’t really like visitors?”

“He pelted Erin with dinosaurs!” Holtzmann grins, “But! He didn’t throw his pancakes at her, so I’m saying success!”

“You never said he would throw his food?”

Holtzmann shrugs, “He will throw anything within reach. I’m  trying to make him stop it, but… he just really likes throwing stuff at people’s faces.”

Now it’s Erin’s hand making her way to Holtz’s shoulder, without even realizing she’s doing it. “That must be really hard on you.”

“It’s fine Er-bear. It’s not like… he’s always been like that. I don’t know any different.”

“I think you’re amazing with him.” Erin says and she means it. Even if she didn’t spend that much time with Michael, it’s clear as day that Holtz understands him. They have a system, they have a special way of communication and it warms Erin’s heart in way she didn’t even know was possible.

Holtz pokes her side, “I think you were pretty awesome too, miss dinosaur expert. He keeps putting them in the order that you showed him. It’s adorable.”

“I…” Erin shrugs, “I had fun. With him. It was a little awkward, but I had fun.”

Big blue eyes look at her, so softly. Erin just completely forgets Abby is standing there. “I like him. I like all the Holtzmanns.”

She swears the engineer flushes, burying her hands deeply into the pockets of her overalls, “Well, the Holtzmanns like you too Doctor G. I actually wanted to ask you if you wanted to come over for a playdate and dinner on Friday? Michael really wants to play dinosaur with you again.”

Erin swears her heart skips a beat at the question. She’s not even bothered that Holtz is asking her for her brother. She’s just excited to get this chance with both of them.

“I’d love that.”

“Good. That’s great.” Holtzy nods, “Uh… I’m gonna head back up. Don’t want anything to poof that shouldn’t poof.”

She races away, stomping up the stairs with a sound similar to a horde of elephants passing by, and Erin can’t help but stare.

“Eeeeeeeeerin. Oh Eeeeeeerin? You still there?”

Abby. She has completely forgotten her friend is still there.

“I…” She fumbles awkwardly pointing her fingers around, “Equations. Do. Me.”

Abby’s laugh is loud, “You okay there master Yoda?”

Erin sighs, “Fine.”

“So… when did that happen?” Abby’s eyes flick up to the ceiling, to Holtz.

“It didn’t. Nothing happened.”

“Erin?”

“It’s not my fault okay?” Erin snaps a little, “You should go ask her why she has to be so goddamn adorable all the fricking time!”

Abby stares at her, a little wide-eyed and then bursts into laughter again.

“Oh my god! You got Holtzmanned!”

“Did not!”

“Did so!”

“Morning girls!” Patty pushes open the heavy door, shutting both of them up, “What’d I miss?”

“Erin has a crush on Holtz!”

“Not true!”

“So true!”

_It’s going to be a long week._

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

****

Erin never really liked Fridays. She just loves her job so much and she loathes alone time in her boring apartment even more. She is probably the only person ever that counts down to Mondays.

But this week, goddammit this week it seems like Friday will never come. Erin swears she spends most her time just staring at the clock and willing it to move faster.

Holtzmann isn’t helping either. She just keeps telling her not to forget their playdate, as if she could ever forget. The constant reminders make Erin think that maybe Holtzy is just as excited as she is.

And then it’s Friday. It’s sudden, it comes out of nowhere, like Erin had forgotten that after Thursday comes Friday and it’s exciting, but it’s very stressful too. She doesn’t know what to do with herself all day.

She can’t work, she can’t focus, she can’t eat. It’s insane.

And Holtzmann keeps looking at her with this shy puppy look and it’s making her want to strangle her and kiss her at the same time.

“I’m going to pick Michael up from school.” Holtzmann announces, “Are you coming Er-bear?”

“Oh… Now?” Erin nearly drops the pen she’s been twirling for the last 30 minutes, “I thought we were having dinner?”

“A playdate and dinner.” Holtz corrects, “Playing comes before dinner, then bath, then TV, then bed. Pleaaaaaase come with me Gilbert? Michael will be so excited.”

“You sure?”

“Definitely! He will not shut up about you.” Holtz’s smile is infectious.

“I thought he didn’t talk?” Patty asks.

Holtz rolls her eyes, “Semantics. Come on EG, I don’t want to be late.”

She doesn’t even hesitate to pull on her coat and follow Holtzmann out the door.

 

* * *

 

Never in her entire life has she ever imagined doing anything similar to this. But here she stands, in front of Michael’s classroom with Holtzmann and a horde of parents ready to pick their munchkins up.

The NYC Autism Charter School is unlike any school Erin has ever seen, not that she’s seen that many public schools. Brightly colored walls, instruction signs everywhere and so much space.

Holtzmann is making smalltalk with one of the other parents, something about padded helmets to keep her daughter from smashing holes through the wall with her head and it’s all just so unreal. Any other person would just run away screaming, but Holtz can name a few brands of the top of her head that would surely fit a child. Another mom adds that yes, she should invest in a padded helmet because a regular bicycle helmet just won’t last long enough.

It’s weird to Erin how such things are common knowledge for these people, so common that they don’t even blink when talking about it. They talk about their kids breaking things like it’s an everyday occurrence and it freaks Erin out.

Is Michael that destructive too? It didn’t seem like it last week, even though he did throw his toys at her.

Erin wonders how they do it. How do they take care of a child that, if they’re anything like Michael, won’t even acknowledge them at all. No talks, no hugs, no laughter at the table. It seems so sad.

But then the conversation switches, because Billy said his first word yesterday. _Mine_. And a few people wipe away tears of joy for his dad. Billy is almost ten. His dad didn’t think he would ever say anything. But now he did and the group of parents is celebrating with him.

It’s a small victory, Erin would think, but even she is feeling proud of this kid that she doesn’t even know. Because it’s such a big deal, and maybe it does weigh up to the screaming tantrums and the crazy schedules and the general feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that she feels around Michael.

There’s no bell to announce the end of their day, Holtz told her it freaks some of the kids out. Just one of the teachers announcing that they’re done and then there’s a stream of kiddos walking out the door.

Most don’t hug their parents, but the few hugs Erin does see, seem awkward and forced. Some kids talk about their day, one just shoves his diary into his mother’s hands and stomps off.

“Hey buddy! Did you have fun today?” Holtzmann squats down to greet her brother, who shrugs and nods and shrugs again, like he’s not sure what to answer.

“Can you show me what you worked on?”

Michael nods again, digging into his backpack for his workbook.

“Spelling huh?” Holtz keeps up the conversation, “Was it hard?”

“Michael did very well today in class.” One of the teachers comes up to them, “He did get a little upset during lunch though. He couldn’t get the wrapper off his cookie.”

“Oh bud.” Holtz sighs, “Well that happens. Next time you don’t have to get sad, okay? Just go ask miss Chloe to help you.”

He doesn’t say anything, looking at the ground instead of at his sister.

“Uhm hi, I’m miss Chloe. I’m one of Michael’s teachers.” She holds out her hand to Erin, like she only just noticed her, “We haven’t met yet.”

“Doctor Erin Gilbert.” She shakes the teachers hand.

“She’s having a playdate with Michael, right buddy?”

If the teacher thinks they’re being weird, she doesn’t show it. Erin assumes she’s probably seen weirder things than this.

“Hi Michael.” Erin says as softly as she can, and true to his nature, Michael doesn’t even seem to have heard her.

He does however grab Holtz’s hand, something Erin hasn’t seen him do yet. And then he tries to drag her away from the classroom.

“Okay, guess we’re leaving then.” Holtzmann laughs, “See you on Monday, miss Chloe!”

“Bye Michael!” Miss Chloe waves at them with a little chuckle.

Erin follows, a little lost because Michael is ignoring her completely. She knows that this is just what he does, but she still doesn’t know what to do.

She looks down at him, at his small hand holding onto Holtz’s bigger one.

“He has to hold my hand when we walk outside. He’s small, New York is big.” Holtz explains, “It’s a rule. Actually, you kind of have to hold my hand too.”

“Uh… why?”

“Because the rule is if we walk outside, we hold hands. And when you’re with us, you have to keep to our rules.” There’s a smug, teasing glint in Holtzmann’s eyes, like she knows exactly what she’s asking from her, challenging her to do it.

And Erin is not one to back down from a challenge. She reaches for Holtz’s free hand, intertwines their fingers and hopes to a god she doesn’t believe in that it’s a short walk to the apartment.

Her hand is clammy by the time they arrive at Holtz’s home. Clammy and sweaty and uncomfortable. But Holtzmann doesn’t say a thing.

She ushers them inside, shows Erin the right way to put away her shoes and her jacket, all the while holding a conversation with Michael about birds that he doesn’t even seem to notice.

“Alright, you kids go play, I’ll make dinner.” Holtz announces gleefully, and Erin rolls her eyes at being called a kid by someone so much younger than herself.

“What are you making?”

“Chicken nuggets, hummus and spinach for Michael and lasagna for us? Sounds good?”

Erin can’t help but ask, “Why is he eating something different?”

“He only eats chicken nuggets for some reason.” Holtzmann shrugs, “I make them myself, so they’re not those gross processed nuggets. Doctor says he’s healthy, I give him plenty of lentils and beans for other protein. Honestly, I just don’t have the energy to fight him on this. If he wants to eat nuggets for the rest of his life, so be it.”

“Oh…”

Holtzmann shrugs, “It’s not all sunshine and roses Gilbert, you gotta pick your battles with this little guy. And as long as he’s healthy, I’m not picking this battle.”

She looks at Michael who has planted himself down next to his box of dinosaurs, carefully and methodically taking them out one by one. He’s either completely unaware that they’re talking about him, or he just ignores them. Erin isn’t sure which options she prefers.

“Go play Erin.” Holtz encourages, “He’s been looking forward to this all week.”

She doesn’t know if she should believe that, she doesn’t know in what capacity he actually can look forward to things. But Holtz smiles when she plunks herself down in front of Michael, and Michael holds out a dinosaur for her, and yeah, Erin likes this.

She takes it from him, explaining away just like she did last week. But last week she was terrified of the tiny human, this time she dares to look at him.

And it strikes her how she always thinks of him as not listening, or even ignoring her and Holtz. Because now that she looks at him, really looks at him, he has his head cocked much like Holtz does when she tries to figure a machine out. He is listening so intently, with his entire body. Every ounce of his attention his completely devoted to her.

She feels a rush of affection towards the boy that she can’t quite place. Erin never really felt much for children, probably because she never hung out with them before. But Michael is so different from what she imagines children to be like.

He’s quiet. But so was she, when she was a child. She was scared and anxious. Still is sometimes. And when she looks back on her childhood, she just remembers people trying to get her to change. Her parents, her teachers, her classmates, her therapists. Everyone just wanted her to be normal, whatever that normal may be. They didn’t care about how their normal made her feel like so much more of a freak.

And she doesn’t want that for Michael. He isn’t just scared like she was, his mind functions in a way that nobody else’s functions and Erin can’t imagine how terrified he must be all the time. It’s almost odd how she doesn’t want him to change, how she wants to wrap him up and protect him from all the people who will be mean to him.

Nobody should do to him what they did to her. But Michael lucked out. He has Holtzmann taking him to a special school, cooking him his nuggets. And Erin knows the other woman is right, chicken nuggets are the least of their problems.

Michael nudges her with another dinosaur, pulling her from her thoughts.

“What do you have there, buddy?” Erin asks him softly, praising him when he places the dinosaur neatly next to its herbivore friends.

“Food should be ready soon.” Holtzmann comes back, “Go wash your hands Michael.”

It’s such a mom-move that Erin has to look away or she’s going to laugh. Michael diligently leaves his toys behind, scrambling off to the bathroom.

“You’re amazing with him.” Erin has to tell her, “You’re so amazing. You do all these things and… you’re the best mom he could have ever wished for.”

“I’m not his mom…” Holtz tries to brush it off but Erin won’t have it.

“You kind of are. Best mom I’ve ever seen.”

And Holtz blushes, shoving her hands deep into her pockets and digging her toes into the carpet in what must be the most adorable showing of embarrassment ever to exist.

“Gee Gilbert, you sure know how to compliment a lady.” Jillian digs up her southern accent that she only dons when she’s feeling a little shy.

“Better get used to it,” Erin winks, or at least tries to, and adds, “ _Hot stuff._ ”

 

* * *

 

Dinner with the Holtzmanns is _not_ a quiet affaire. And not at all because of Michael, who is probably the politest, cleanest child in the entire world.

It’s Jillian who makes airplane noises for herself, slurps so loudly on her drink she nearly chokes on it and manages to get tomato sauce in her hair.

“You’re a mess Jilly.” Erin chides, handing her a napkin to wipe her mouth because she looks like she smashed her face into her plate.

“Eh, you love my mess.” Jillian winks, dimples out and Erin swoons for the lasagna-covered engineer in a way that’s maybe a lot weird.

Michael slams his hand on the table and Erin nearly falls off her chair from shock.

“ _Drink_ _please._ ” Holtzmann says it for him, like she expects him to parrot her and pours him more water. Michael doesn’t say anything.

“Does he ever…” Erin hesitates, remembering Holtz’s words from last week not to talk about her brother like he’s not there, “Michael, do you ever use your words?”

A frown forms on his face, like she just asked him the stupidest question possible and Erin turns to Holtz for help. Holtz who is smiling at her like she just performed a miracle.

“Yeah he does, don’t you Michael?” She answers for him, “Sometimes. I think he’s just still a little shy around you. But usually you ask for your drink, right buddy?”

“Oh… is he… are you annoyed that I’m here Michael?” Erin worries, because the last thing she wants is to make the boy even more uncomfortable than he already is.

“No he isn’t!” Jillian is quick to say, but Erin still hesitates, “I swear Er-bear. If he was upset, we’d all be covered in hummus right now.”

Michael giggles. He honest to god giggles.

“Oh you think that’s funny, do you?” Jillian grins widely, exaggeratedly, at her brother, her attention now completely devoted to him, “You’re a little funny guy, huh?”

Erin watches Holtzmann tease him, listens to Michael’s giggles and chuckles. She’s never heard him do that. She hasn’t known him that long, but still. She’s never seen this happen before. And Holtzmann is just soaking it all up, making him smile, making him happy.

Erin wants to see this every day. She _so_ wants to see this every day. She wants Holtz’s smiles and her teasing and she wants to try and put a smile like that on Michael’s face too.

“You two are cute.” It’s out of her mouth before she knows it, but Erin doesn’t regret saying it for a second.

Holtz turns her blinding smile on Erin, “The cute-factor is all Michael, my beautiful Cupcake.”

Erin still flushes even though she’s the one that, albeit awkwardly, started flirting, “Pretty sure it’s you Holtzy.”

 

* * *

 

Michael is a calm child, despite the near horror stories Erin heard from other parents at his school. She knows from Holtzmann that he does throw tantrums, but honestly, what child doesn’t?

When she met him, she saw an autistic child, a boy that needed help. But now, he’s sitting between her and Holtzmann on the couch, with Finding Dory playing on the TV. He’s resting his head against Holtzmann’s arm, and Erin can see him getting more and more drowsy with every passing second. All she sees is a child.

It’s nice, sitting here. A little quiet, but very nice.

“I think it’s time for bed.” Holtz whispers, a look in her eyes that’s reserved for her baby brother only, “You’re falling asleep here buddy, and the couch is not for sleeps.”

Michael sighs, slumping further against Jillian.

“C’mon Handsome.” Jillian pulls him closer, and it surprises Erin how easily she can stand up with the boy in her arms, “Wave night-night to the Doctor.”

Holtz waves for him, like instructing a baby and Michael follows her example.

He mumbles something into Holtzmann’s shoulder, Erin can’t understand him. Maybe he just made a noise. But Jillian smiles, widely and Erin can only return the smile.

“Goodnight Michael.” She waves even if he has his back turned to her, it doesn’t matter because it makes Holtzmann happy.

“I’ll be right back Gilbert.” She pauses, “Or you can join us? I don’t think he’ll last through his bedtime story, will you budbud?”

Michael shakes his head.

“No? You want to go straight to sleep, honey?” Holtzmann is using her mom-voice on him, a little higher than her regular voice. Slower too. It’s adorable.

Her hand strokes through Michael’s blond curls, he’s so tired that he doesn’t even shy away from the contact.

“Mamama.” He’s snuggling into her shoulder even, in a way that has questions filtering into Erin’s mind. He hates touch, as far as she knows. He doesn’t talk, as far as she knows.

But Holtzmann understands him, even if Erin can’t. It’s confusing and adorable at the same time. Erin wishes she could understand too. She wishes she knew why Michael doesn’t want Holtz to touch him during the day but gets clingy in the evenings.

She wishes she could talk to him, she wishes she could know how he feels.

And she barely even knows the kid. Erin can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for Holtz, to care for someone who can’t even ask for a drink.

It’s incredible how she does it, really. Erin can’t stop watching Holtzmann, swaying her brother and cooing to him like he’s only a little baby.

“He’s literally falling asleep on me Er, I’m just going to put him to bed. Five minutes tops.” Holtz looks at her. She does thing where she looks everyone dead in the eyes. It’s unnerving and intense. Erin loves it, she loves staring into those big blue eyes, daydreaming about getting lost in them forever.

“I’ll be right back.” She repeats again, “Are you staying? Tonight, I mean?”

She nods so fast she’s afraid she’ll get whiplash, “Yeah! If that’s okay for Michael?”

“Is that okay buddy? Can Erin have breakfast with us tomorrow?” Holtzmann asks, but Michael is already on his way to the land of dreams. Even if he did hear her, he’s too tired to even comprehend what his sister is asking.

“Silence is a yes to me.” Holtz grins tentatively, “Please?”

“Always.”

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

She’s woken up by the sound of a door creaking and Erin feels her heart jump into her throat from fear. Years of being haunted will do that to a person.

But then she feels the comforting weight of Holtzmann around her and she remembers where she is. And she remembers who’s there with them.

“Michael?” She flips on the light on her side of Holtz’s bed, and now she can see the little boy in the doorway with his dino pajamas and a stuffed dinosaur in his arms. “Are you okay?”

“Mamama?”

“Mama is still sleeping honey.” Erin says, but she elbows Holtz in the side softly, hoping to wake her up. Holtzmann just turns over, grumbling before going back to sleep, “And I don’t think I can wake her up.”

Michael stays standing in the doorway and Erin wonders what brought him over here in the first place.

“Did you have trouble sleeping Michael?”

He doesn’t answer.

Erin tries again, “Did you have a bad dream?”

Still no response. Erin wants to sigh, maybe kick Holtzmann again so she’ll wake up. She’ll know exactly what her brother needs.

“Can you help me Michael? I don’t know what you want?” Maybe he can somehow show her what he needs from her.

“Mamama.”

“Right, mama.” Erin kind of wants mama too, but Holtz is not waking up, “Do you want to stay here? With mama?”

She seems to have done something right, because Michael rushes into the bedroom, almost launching himself onto the bed to crawl in.

“Whoa, whoa, calm down. I don’t want you to fall off honey.” Erin tries to help, mindful to keep her hands to herself, but still close enough to Michael to catch him if he falls.

Michael seems completely unbothered be any of her comments honestly, kneeing her in the stomach in an attempt to crawl over her to reach Holtz.

“Mamama!” He screams, slapping Holtz in the face. _Hard_.

“Ow! Shit!” Jillian shoots up, out of fear or from the slap, Erin doesn’t know, “Michael! How many times do I have to tell you? When Jillian closes her eyes she’s sleeping! Not dead! You cannot hit me! It makes me upset!”

Michael has the decency to look down guiltily.

“Michael.” Holtz raises her voice in warning, rubbing her cheek with a scowl on her face, “What do you say now?”

“Michael sorry.” He has to force the words out, but Erin has no doubt he means it. It must be so difficult for him to actually say it.

“Good boy. Holtzy sorry too.” Holtzmann tells him, “Now come here. Night is for sleeping, did you forget?”

“Mamama.”

Holtzmann sighs her understanding, wrapping her arms around Michael who only tries to squirm away a little bit.

“Can you turn the light back off Er?”

“Uh… sure?”

Holtzmann chuckles, because no doubt Erin must be pulling a very weird face, “This is kind of normal for us. Autism, his day-night rhythm isn’t exactly what it should be. He tends to wander a lot at night. I try to make him stick to bedtime, but some days it just doesn’t work out, does it buddy? But you’re going to sleep with Jillian and Erin now, right?”

“Mamama.”

Erin turns the lights off, a little unsure of how to go back to sleep now. Michael has taken over her spot in Holtz’ arms and Erin understands, she’s not jealous but she’s just… not really sure of where she fits in now.

“Erin? Shut the thinking off and lie down.” Holtz grumbles, “Please babe?”

“Yeah sure… I just… is this okay?” Erin makes a vague sort of motion, hands waving over herself and her position.

“It’s great. Michael can move to my side of the bed if he’s uncomfortable.” Jillian waves her doubts away, wrapping herself tighter around her brother, “Now sleep, my loves.”

 

* * *

 

Michael is the worst person to share a bed with in the history of bedsharing, Erin thinks when she is rudely woken by a foot kicking her right in the boob.

Still, she smiles when she takes in their positions. Michael has his head on Holtz’s chest and his small feet on her chest and okay, it’s kind of maybe a little cute.

“You up?” Jillian’s voice is hoarse with sleep, “Sorry ‘bout Michael.”

Erin shrugs, “It’s fine. What time is it?”

“Dunno. Too early.”

It is, in fact, not too early. At least, not too early for Erin. Eight AM is a perfectly reasonable time to wake up. And once she’s awake, there’s no way she’ll sleep again.

“How about I make breakfast, and you two can sleep a bit longer?”

Jillian groans with what Erin assumes is satisfaction, “You’re the best. Marry me? We can go make it official after the amazing breakfast you’re going to make me.”

Erin’s face heats up like a stove, she chuckles a little self consciously. Her heart hammers in her chest and she feels all kinds of awkward.

“Er-bear?” Holtzmann notices how uncomfortable she must look, “I’m sorry? Bad joke?”

Erin nods, “Uh yeah, no, well, no, yeah…” it’s no use, she can’t find a proper response for Jillian, “Just… breakfast…”

“Pancakes please. I’m sorry, but it’s Saturday and on Saturday we eat pancakes.” She waves over her little brother who miraculously is _still sleeping_ , completely unaware of Erin’s failure to even hold a decent conversation.

She nods again, pancakes will do just fine and honestly, she would have checked Michael’s board for instructions even if Holtzmann hadn’t said anything.

She won’t use the word _fleeing_ but she definitely does run out of the bedroom like she just found Satan himself asleep next to her.

She feels ridiculous and childish. There’s this inexplicable _need_ coming from her chest, begging her to stay close to Holtzmann. It tickles her tummy and squeezes her lungs. It makes her feel like she can do anything if she just sticks with Jillian.

But there’s this fear too, making her legs feel like lead whenever she looks at the blonde, it’s screaming at her to run. Erin doesn’t know what to make of it.

She’s never felt so alive but at the brink of death at the same time.

“Fuck.” Erin doesn’t curse a lot, but it seems like the only way to let out the frustration building up inside her like she’s a time bomb waiting to explode.

Feelings are just so complicated, Erin wishes she could turn them off.

She throws her head back and groans into the empty kitchen, resisting the urge to bang her head against the cupboard. She’s too old for this shit. Way too old.

She finds Holtz’s pancake recipe pasted onto the pot of flour. Time to get her act together. Breakfast will distract her.

The recipe is easy enough, a little different from her own but she guesses Michael won’t appreciate _different_ , and following steps always puts her mind at ease. It’s logical, no thought needed, just do as it says.

And before she knows it, she has a stack of steaming hot pancakes but nobody to share them with.

She tiptoes quietly to Jillian’s bedroom, something she never expected she would ever do in her entire life. But if she can handle the fact that ghost are real and she herself saved New York, she can handle Jillian’s bedroom. At least, that’s what she tries to tell herself.

Holtzmann is sprawled out on the bed like that Pokémon Erin remembers. The one that blocked the road and she had to fetch this flute-thing and then remember where the Pokémon was to go back and wake it up… Snorlax! … not that she ever played Pokémon… she was waaaaay too old to play that when it came out… she didn’t go out and buy a GameBoy Color just for Pokémon… especially not that pink one… definitely not…

Aaaaaaaanyway, if Jillian is that Pokémon she doesn’t know _anything_ about, Erin wonders what the hell Michael is.

Or at least what the hell he’s doing.

He’s just sitting there on the bed, staring at Jillian as she sleeps. Erin knows he doesn’t mean to be creepy, but she does think it is slightly disturbing. The amount of focus on his face as he just… _looks_ at Jillian like she’s some sort of alien… it’s unsettling.

“Michael?” She keeps her voice low so she won’t wake Jillian up, “Do you want to go eat breakfast?”

His eyes flit between her general direction and Holtzmann, clearly questioning what he should do.

“Mama is still tired, we should let her sleep in.” Erin holds her hand out for him, which is stupid because he won’t grasp it anyway, “Come on then buddy, I made pancakes.”

Erin can feel his reluctance, but he follows her to the living room anyway.

“How many pancakes do you normally eat?”

Silence.

She wants to bang her head against the cupboard again, Michael won’t speak to her. How does she ever expect him to say what he wants?

So stupid of her.

“Uhm, okay… you got to help me out here, okay?” Erin thinks quickly, “I’m going to count and you just say when… uhm… no… you _wave_ when I hit the right number, okay?”

He doesn’t really react, but she figures she has his attention anyway with the way he holds himself. He seems focused on her.

“Okay… 1? 2? 3,4,5…”

He waves. And Erin feels like jumping for joy.

“5? Okay, 5 pancakes coming right up!” She grabs a plate for him, puts down the first pancake, and stops…

“Syrup, right?” She remembers from the week before, but she also remembers that Michael is very particular about his syrup, “I suppose you can’t do it yourself?”

Michael frowns, waves his hand around and makes a little distressed sound that Erin easily interprets as, “Hell no.”

She sighs. He can’t tell her, he can’t do it himself, how is she going to feed him without waking Jillian?

“Maybe… can you show me how you want it? If I give you one of my pancakes? You can put the syrup on it for me, and then I’ll do it for yours?” She holds out the bottle for him. Michael seems to think about it for a bit but he grabs the bottle and Erin points to her own plate.

“Right there, don’t worry about making a mess. Do it how you like it.”

He fumbles around a little, almost circling the plate to find a good point for attack. Eventually he draws four very neat lines of syrup on it and standing back to admire his work.

“Well, thank you Michael. That does look very good.” Erin compliments, because positive reinforcement is very important, she saw that on TV once. Or maybe that was a show about dogs… it doesn’t matter, because Michael rights his back and puffs his chest out, growing an inch with sheer pride.

Erin smiles and gets to work, carefully pouring four lines of syrup on each of his pancakes, just as neat as Michael had done it himself.

“There you go honey.” She pulls out his chair for him and she swears she sees a little smile when he tucks in.

_Victory._

She has to contain herself from rubbing his shaggy blond head, so similar to Holtz’s. He’s just so adorable.

“You need a drink? Milk?” Erin asks but he doesn’t react at all, so she assumes he’s good.

She douses her own pancakes in syrup, not really caring about neat lines like Michael does.

She eats slowly, watching Michael. He’s so… regular. Neat though, she’s never seen a child eat so clean.  She watches him a lot, she knows, but she’s just waiting for that one thing to stand out.

Something that pops out and screams autism. Like a little label on his forehead. She knows it’s stupid, she knows autism isn’t anything physical, except maybe when it comes to tics, but she doesn’t know if Michael has any.

It’s rude to look at him like he’s some sort of different species, but she just does it before she can catch herself. Erin wishes she was more aware, better informed, but she’s just not.

So she stares and tries to learn what he does. She wants to know every single one of his behaviors, everything she can to make life a little easier on him.

“This is definitely a sight for sore eyes.” Holtzmann shuffles into the kitchen with a wide smile. She has no qualms ruffling Michael’s hair like Erin wanted to do, “Morning buddy.”

She shuffles her way over to Erin’s side, “You’re a goddess and a saint and everything that is good in this world. Thanks for letting me sleep.” Erin flushes wildly because Holtz bends down and kisses her wetly on the cheek, “Morning gorgeous.”

Erin swallows her embarrassment, “Good morning, pancakes are over there.”

“Awesome. Coffee?” Holtz opens a cabinet to pull out a mug.

“I didn’t see a coffee machine?” Erin frowns, but secretly she’s relieved when Jillian digs out a machine from one of the cupboards. Morning isn’t morning without some caffeine.

“Hmmm, I like to clean it up. Clear house, clear mind.” Holtz throws a pad into the machine, “Want some?”

“Yes!”

“Michael? Apple juice?” Holtz is already putting a cup on the table for him, effortlessly moving through the kitchen, almost like the way she floats through her lab, just quieter. It’s beautiful.

“I offered him milk, he didn’t want it?”

Holtz shrugs, “He drinks apple juice in the morning. Just one of his things.”

Erin wants to apologize, but Holtz puts her hand up before she can even open her mouth, “It’s fine Er, you didn’t know. No big deal. He only drinks after he’s done eating anyway.”

“How do you know all those things?” As soon as she says it, Erin closes her eyes from the sheer stupidity of her question.

Holtz doesn’t make fun of her though, “Patience. Five long years of patience.”

“You’re like the least patient person I know.” Erin can’t help but chuckle.

“It’s because I use all my patience up at home, I don’t have any left for work.” Holtzmann grins in that true mad scientist fashion and it makes Erin’s heart jump and flutter.

A cup of hot delicious hot coffee is placed in front of her and Holtzmann finally sits down.

“Are you good Michael? You like your pancakes?”

To Erin’s relief, Michael nods.

Holtzmann however, frowns, “How? How did you do his syrup?”

“I let him do my pancakes, to show me how he wanted it.” Erin blushes, “I’m sorry Holtz, I didn’t pay attention last week and I know he’s…”

“Genius.” Holtz cuts her off with another kiss to her cheek and Erin doesn’t think she can get any redder, “That’s absolutely genius Erin. You’re amazing.”

“Yeah?”

“Definitely.”

Michael grins at them suddenly.

“What’s up buddy?” Holtzmann asks.

“ _Genius_.”

Erin gasps but Holtzmann keeps her face just as smiley as ever, “Yeah that’s right buddy. Erin is genius.”

“ _Genius. Genius. Genius.”_ He repeats the word again and again, grinning wider and wider with every affirmation from Holtzmann.

“Good job Michael.” Holtzmann nods, “Now don’t forget to eat, okay buddy?”

Erin has to ask, “How do you stay so calm? I wanted to scream.”

“Because he’s talking?” Holtzmann shrugs, “If I screamed, I would scare the living daylights out of him. He’d probably never talk again.”

“Oh…”

“Honestly, he talks quite a bit. At least, for kids like him. He’s just shy.” Holtz says, “Once you’re less shiny and new, he’ll talk more. You’ll see.”

“So I should keep coming over then?” Erin asks, feeling a little bold.

“You definitely should Cupcake.” Holtz’s grin borders on plain lecherous, and Erin kind of loves it.

“Mamama.”

“Yeah, you can go play.” Holtzmann doesn’t even need to look away from Erin to know what he wants.

“How do you do that?” Erin can’t help but look at Michael as he walks out of the kitchen. She’s a little anxious with every move he makes, scared that he might hurt himself.

“It’s pretty much the only thing he could ask right now.” Holtz shrugs again, if she notices how hard Erin stares at her brother, she doesn’t say anything, “I told you, I’ve been doing this for five years. I know what makes him tick.”

“Mamama! Mamama! Mamama!”

“Now that isn’t normal.” Holtz shoots out of seat, rushing into the living room and Erin is hot on her heels.

“What is it boy?” Holtz asks, “That’s your board. I didn’t change anything on it without you. It’s the same as yesterday.”

“Mamama!” Michael smacks the side of his big white board.

“Did you touch it? Or move it?” Holtzmann asks her.

“No of course not.”

Holtz sighs, “Come on buddy, show me what’s wrong.”

Michael points.

“Friday? You have the day off next Friday, no school. That’s why we’re going to the museum, remember? We’re going to see the dinosaurs.”

Michael picks up one of the markers and throws it at Holtzmann in frustration.

“Hey! None of that! You can’t throw things at me!” Holtz raises her voice, staying miraculously calm, Erin isn’t even involved in the conversation and she feels like crying because it’s just so damn complicated.

“Do you need something for Friday?” Jillian asks, “What do you need?”

Michael points at Erin.

“You need Erin? On Friday?” Michael nods, “You want to invite her to the museum with us? Because she likes dinosaurs too? That is very considerate of you Michael.”

He beams, his earlier frustration completely gone.

“What do you say Gilbert? You want to go watch dinos with us?”

Erin nods, “I’d love to. I’ll have to ask Abby and Patty though, two of us missing might cause a problem.”

“I bet it’s going to be fine with them.”

“Yeah… I hope so.”

“So that’s a yes?” Holtz grins a little hopefully at her and Michael stands behind her, staring firmly at a spot on the floor, wringing his hands together. The two of them are just too cute.

“That’s a yes.” Erin crouches so she’s more at Michael’s level, conscience to stay out of his personal bubble, “Thank you for inviting me Michael, that’s very nice of you. I’d love to come with you. You’re a very sweet boy.”

“Hey, what about me?” Holtz pouts exaggeratedly, “I’m inviting you too.”

Erin rolls her eyes, “Yes Holtz, you’re a very sweet boy too.”

“Oooooh look at that, ladies and gentlemen, she can make a joke.” Holtz’s voice morphs as if she’s doing some sort of dramatic reading.

“Shut up Jillian.”

“Make me.” The challenge is twinkling in her blue eyes.

Erin scoffs, “You wish.”

To Erin’s surprise, Jillian turns a very interesting shade of red, suddenly unable to meet her eyes.

“What’s this?” Erin has to tease her, the one time Jillian is the embarrassed one out of the two of them, Erin has to take advantage, “Are you blushing?”

“What? Me? Nooooooooooo.” Holtz drawls it out, “I never blush around girls, especially not the gorgeous ones that are awkwardly flirting with me.”

Erin punches her in the arm, “First, I am not gorgeous. And second, I’m not _awkwardly_ flirting, that was very good flirting, thank you very much.”

“So you admit you were flirting?” Holtzmann is suddenly a lot quieter, “With me?”

“Uh… I…” She swallows heavily, she didn’t think this through properly, she never expected that she would actually have to admit anything.

Holtzmann’s face falls a little the longer the silence between them lasts.

It makes Erin feel hurt.

“Yeah… yeah I was…” Erin swallows again, it’s surprisingly difficult to get the words out, “I was… uh… doing _that_.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The silence drags on.

“So uh…” Jillian finally speaks up, “We’re going to the playground today. You want to come with?”

“I…” Erin shakes her head, “I should go home, I think. I’ll see you at work?”

“Yeah, yeah you will.”

“And I’ll be back on Friday… for the museum.”

Holtz nods, “Perfect. Thanks.”

“Bye Michael.”

Michael waves once.

“Bye Jillian”

Holtz nods, “Bye Erin.”

Erin nods too, though she doesn’t know why.

It’s all so awkward and forced. She tried to make a joke, flirt a little with Jillian, the way the engineer always does with her. She had no idea it would backfire like this.

And they had had such an amazing morning.

Erin turns around, she’s going to cry if she stays here any longer. She grabs her coat quickly on her way to the door.

“Erin?” Holtz’s hand is on her shoulder, turning her around, “I just… You… I just…”

Holtz kisses her on the cheek, “Thank you. For coming over, for breakfast, for everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me Jill.” Erin whispers, she forgot she had a voice somewhere between feeling Jillian’s hands and feeling her lips, “I… like being here.”

“Then stay.”

Erin chuckles, “I can’t, I really should go home. I have an article to review and Abby has been on my case about our book. I should get some work done. I wish I could stay though.”

“Okay, but before you leave, I want just you to know that you, my sweet lovely gorgeous Erin, you are…” Holtz bites her own lip and it’s giving Erin’s heart a real workout, “… still wearing your pajamas.”

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

She spends the rest of her weekend staring randomly into space with a wide grin. She’s so annoyingly happy and giddy, she’s not at all surprised that the barista glares at her when she wishes him good morning. She’d hate her own good mood too if she wasn’t so _elated_.

She whistles her way to the firehouse on Monday, clutching three cups of coffee and one chocolate milkshake which she knows is Holtzmann’s favorite. She never picks up coffee for her Ghostbusters but today Erin feels a particular kind of generosity. Like she wants to shout her happiness from the rooftops. Or buy coffee for her friends.

“Good morning!” She yells into the firehouse, something she also never does. She prefers quieter, more personal greetings.

Abby sort of glares at her, “It’s _Monday_.”

“It is.” Erin smiles widely, her good mood only spurred on by Abby’s reluctance to accept the new week, “I brought you coffee.”

“Gimme!” Abby snatches the cup away, “Milkshake for Holtzy? I thought you hated those?”

Erin shrugs. It’s true, she’s always been the first in line to tell Holtz not to consume so much junkfood. The daily sugar intake of that woman would be enough to keep Erin up all week.

“You’ve gotten Holtzmanned.” Abby has repeated that sentence so much already, Erin can’t even pretend to be outraged by the claim anymore. She did get Holtzmanned.

“Patty coming?” She asks, putting the woman’s cup on her desk.

“Yeah, got stuck in transit, she should be here soon.”

“Perfect.” Erin puts her own coffee down, so she can bring the milkshake up to Holtz. But then she notices something, or rather she doesn’t notice something.

“Abs, where are my flowers?” The beaker Holtz put on her desk last week is depressingly empty. And yeah, maybe the flowers were a week old and they were starting to wilt a bit, but now they’re gone and it makes Erin feel surprisingly sad.

“Dunno. Maybe Patty threw them out? They were beyond dead on Friday.”

Erin pouts, “But… they’re my flowers.”

“Hmm.” Abby doesn’t seem to notice her distress, “They were dead.”

She won’t cry over dead flowers, she won’t, but Erin feels the familiar prick of tears at the thought of her flowers, the ones Holtzmann gave her, being gone.

“I’m… I’m going up to see Holtz.” She mumbles, rushing off before Abby can grunt her approval.

The stairs creak as always and Erin tries to focus on the sound to distract herself from the flowers being gone. It’s so stupid, she knows it’s stupid, but those flowers meant something to her. Her throat is closing up and the more she tells herself how stupid she’s being, the worse it becomes.

“Morning cupcake.” Holtzmann smiles, but then frowns when she looks at Erin, “Cupcake? What’s wrong?”

“I…” Erin swallows around nothing, “Flowers… your flowers, they’re gone and I…”

“You’re sad because of those flowers? I… they were dead Er-bear. I didn’t think you’d miss them…”

“ _You_ threw them out?” For some reason that makes it feel even worse than when she thought it was Patty.

“I got you new ones.” Holtz suddenly waves a bouquet of roses at her, “I… I wanted to give you them in person this time… I’m sorry?”

“You… why?” Erin’s mind is still playing catch up, she went from happy to sad to devastated to surprised and happy all over again. It feels like an emotional whiplash.

Holtz scratches her head, “You spent the night… and I like getting you flowers…”

Erin stares, still a little surprised.

“I saved the old ones though.” Holtz adds quickly, rushing the words out of her mouth, “I didn’t throw them out, I’m drying them out so I could keep them but if you want them, I’ll give them to you… again… but then I’m giving you dead flowers so that might be stupid…” She sighs deeply, “I don’t know Erin, just please don’t be mad. I didn’t think it would make you sad…”

“I… I’m not mad.” Erin mumbles, looking down at the ground to hide her face. How could she have been so stupid? Holtz has been nothing but perfect ever since she met her, how could she think the woman would just carelessly throw away her flowers.

“Are you crying? Oh my Einstein, please don’t cry.”

A watery chuckle escapes Erin at Holtz’s use of Einstein, “You think he’s a god?”

Holtz grins, “I mean, have you seen his hair? He was a total babe.”

“Gross.”

“Definitely.” Holtz agrees, “But it made you smile.”

Erin blushes now, Holtz just… she’s just so Holtz and it doesn’t make any sense but she makes her happy.

“ _You_ made me smile.” It’s a correction as much as it’s an admission, because Erin did smile but not for Einstein. It’s always for Holtzmann.

“Do you want your roses?” Holtz holds them out again, a faint flush on her cheeks and a shy smile on her lips, “Or your old flowers? Or both?”

Erin holds out the milkshake she almost forgot about, “I can trade you a milkshake?”

Holtz squeaks, “Chocolate?”

“With extra whipped cream.” Erin winks.

“Ooooh dirty talk.” Holtzmann jokes, snatching the sugary goodness and finally giving Erin her flowers, “Now I feel bad for just getting you flowers. So cliché.”

“Nothing about you is cliché.” Erin says over Holtzmann’s loud slurping, “Is it good?”

“The best.” Holtz groans and licks her lips and… yeah, Erin is going to buy her milkshakes every day from now on, “Chocolate milkshakes on Mondays, I’m the luckiest dyke alive. Marry me you perfect woman.”

Erin chuckles, “You said that on Saturday too, yet I’m still a free woman.”

Holtzmann smiles, blue eyes shining brightly, “Just you wait Gilbert. I’ll reel you in one day. You’ll get Holtzmanned baby”

It’s all a joke, it has to be. Holtzmann isn’t the marrying type. Besides, they’re not even dating. It’s just harmless flirting.

“Looking forward to it.” Erin turns with a wide grin, leaving Holtz with her jaw firmly on the floor, “See you at lunch Jilly.”

 

* * *

 

It’s Tuesday and Erin is still smiling. Abby and Patty are throwing her all kinds of looks, but Erin just doesn’t let it bother her. Nothing can bother her this week.

Michael asked her to come to the museum and every time Erin thinks about it, her heart soars. It’s hard to know if he liked her or not when he never speaks, but now that he asked her to come over, that must mean she did something right.

He likes her.

Erin has never been so excited about a boy liking her before.

And just like that she’s grinning stupidly again. It’s not just Jillian who’s making her happy, it’s Michael too. He’s just so cute and sweet, Erin can’t help it.

“Erin? You still here?” Patty grins at her, “Go take Holtzy out for some food, she skipped lunch again and she probably skipped breakfast too.”

“I…” Erin motions over the papers on her desk, “I’m working.”

“No you’re not.” Patty nearly laughs, “You’re just staring at your work and grinning like a fool. Go upstairs.”

“Fine, fine!” Erin protests softly but she can’t hide the smile on her face and she’s sure Patty notices. And maybe she doesn’t really care.

Okay, no, she does care. The embarrassment shows ever so clearly on her red cheeks, but the thought of getting to see Holtzmann makes up for it, a little bit.

She rushes upstairs to get away from Patty’s smirk and to get to Holtz faster.

“Holtzmann?” The engineer isn’t standing behind her usual desk, “Holtz, do you want to go grab lunch?”

No reaction.

“Holtz where are you?” Erin walked further into the lab, “I swear, if you are hiding somewhere to scare me, I will… I will… do… something.” _Great threat Gilbert_.

A chuckle comes from behind the buzzing containment unit.

“Holtzmann?”

“The one and only my lovely cupcake. Just give me a second and I’m all yours.”

There’s a loud clanking and Erin is sure she either doesn’t want to know what Holtz is doing or she wouldn’t understand it.

“Done!” Holtzmann’s head peaks out from behind the unit, a grin painted on her face, “You said the magic word?”

Erin frowns, “Please?”

 “No, lunch.” She moves out from behind the machine completely now, her overalls and arms covered in oily soot, “I’m starving.”

“Yeah, no.” Erin laughs, “I’m not taking you anywhere when you look like that. Go shower, I’ll order some take out.”

“Chinese?”

“Holtz, we eat Chinese every day.” Erin whines, “Honestly, the thought of dumplings makes me want to puke.”

Holtz pulls a face, “Yikes, no dumplings then. Pizza?”

Erin nods, “Yeah I could go for pizza. Pineapple on yours?”

“You know me so well.” Holtz announces with some dramatic flourish that makes Erin smile, “You order, I shower?”

“Sounds perfect.” Erin turns to go downstairs to call Holtz’s favorite pizza place.

“Just like you!”

Erin rolls her eyes at the hastily shouted compliment, “Just get a move on Holtz.”

“As you wish Milady.”

 

* * *

 

On Wednesday, Holtz arrives last at the firehouse.

“Woah, look what the cat dragged in!” Patty hollers when Holtzmann finally arrives, “Only one hour late!”

“Morning.” Their engineer looks she’s been run over by a bulldozer.

Abby smirks, “Looks like you had a rough night.”

“Oh yeah,” Holtz goes for a tired smile, “This cute little blond kept me up all night long. Didn’t get a wink of sleep.”

Erin frowns, “Michael?”

“Well yeah? What other blond would there be?”

Erin thinks back of all the jokes between Abby and Holtz, all the times Holtz said she had someone waiting for her or that she had a wild night. It wasn’t ever about a girl, it was Michael.

“It’s always Michael.” Holtzmann seems to read her thoughts, “Can you imagine me dating?” She laughs, “Would you like to come up for coffee? I just can’t serve you any coffee because if I use the machine after 9AM my brother will start screaming.” Holtzmann mocks her own voice, “I can’t imagine that would go over well with the ladies.”

“But… But…” Erin can’t quite catch up, for some reason she had always assumed Holtzmann had a different girl every few weeks, “You said… you give flowers to all your dates?”

Holtz shrugs, “I do, I just haven’t really dated since Michael.”

“You…”

Abby laughs at her, “Don’t worry Gilbert, you’re the only one getting flowers.”

Holtzmann winks and Patty chuckles somewhere in the background and Erin feels the color rising in her cheeks. This is so embarrassing.

Everyone is laughing at her, everyone knows about her crush on Holtz and they’re all laughing at her.

Even Holtzmann.

She swallows heavily, trying to stop her throat from closing up. But the tears are already welling up and Erin feels like she can’t breathe.

“Erin?”

“No.” Erin pulls away from Holtzmann’s questioning hands, “I… I’m going up to the roof.”

She doesn’t listen to the weak apologies that spill from her friends, she just hightails it out of the room. She can’t look at them right now.

It’s stupid and she tells herself it’s stupid but it doesn’t matter.

Her heart feels like it could pound out of her throat.

The sting of cold air grounds her just a bit when she reaches the roof after what seems like 1000 stairs.

Erin lets the door fall shut behind her, nearly jumping out of her skin at loud bang it makes.

She hasn’t really thought this through. New York is loud at its best of days, and the honking cars and bustling life does nothing to calm her down. Not to mention that she’s actually _really_ scared of heights.

“Erin?” The door squeaks horrendously when it opens and the sound makes her want to pull her hair out. She’s always been very sensitive to noise.

“I’m not going to ask you if you’re okay. I’m just going to stand here, just to be here with you, okay?”

Erin doesn’t turn around to face Holtzmann, she doesn’t think she can. She doesn’t think she can do anything. Her brain feels like it’s about to leap out of her head, and her heart is pounding so hard that it might escape her body too.

“I wasn’t laughing at you, just so you know. I’d never laugh at you.” She keeps her voice quiet and though Erin prefers silence, Holtz’s voice doesn’t bother her that much.

“I think you’re having a panic attack.” Holtz states the more than obvious, “When you’re ready, I’ll help you through it. If that is what you want?”

It’s not. Erin prefers to be alone, somewhere nobody can see how she’s barely hanging in there. She’s embarrassed about being an adult that has to remind herself not to stop breathing. Because if she doesn’t, she might actually stop. It’s embarrassing beyond belief, and the embarrassment does nothing to help her.

She doesn’t want Holtzmann to see her like this, but she doesn’t want her to leave. She’s scared to be alone, scared to be left, ironically. The worst thing she’s ever done in her life is actually her biggest fear.

“Can I touch you?” Holtzmann’s voice is closer and Erin didn’t expect her to be. She jerks away from the sound, immediately feeling guilty for rejecting Holtzmann so harshly.

She’s such a piece of shit today.

“Don’t feel bad Erin. Your body, your choice. I won’t touch you unless you want me to.”

It’s like Jillian can read her mind, she’s so fucking perfect and soft. And Erin is being so horrible to her and Jillian doesn’t deserve this. She deserves better, she deserves so much better.

Another car down on the street honks and Erin nearly sobs because it’s too much.

“Why don’t we go inside? You can have my lab all to yourself. It’s quieter there.”

She wants to, she really wants to but she can’t move. She’s stuck on the roof and she’ll never be able to get off and she hates heights and this is how she dies. She’s going to die on this roof, sad and alone and Holtz is going to hate her and Michael is going to hate her too because now she won’t make it to the museum on Friday and…

“Breathe Erin. Take a deep breath. I’m here okay? Do you want me to take your hand and help you down?” Holtzmann is still being so perfect and Erin is still being a hopeless piece of crap, “You’re not bothering me, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m offering to help, I _want_ to help. More than anything else Erin, please let me help you.”

Erin is still frozen to her spot, she wants to beg Holtz to help but she’s already such a burden.

“I’m going to touch you now.” Holtz says, “Because you don’t seem like you’re calming down and I worry. If I cross a line, you have my full permission to slap me or scream at me. Whatever you prefer.”

Holtzmann’s hands cover her own softly and Erin can’t get over how cold her hands are.

“Is this okay?” Holtzmann wonders out loud but Erin can’t find words to answer her, “I’m not going too fast?”

Holtz tugs on her hands, “Let’s go inside. It’s too chilly out here.”

Now she made Holtz cold too. What if she gets sick? What if Michael gets sick too? How could she be so stupid to make Holtz come here?

“Sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Holtz’s voice is firm but still so soft, “Nothing at all. Now let me take you inside. I don’t want you to get sick darling.”

It’s not fair to make Holtz worry about her and Erin feels like crying all over again. But Holtzmann tugs on her hands ever so gently, like Erin might break, and pulls her back inside.

“Follow me gorgeous.” Holtz whispers, leading Erin through the lab. She’s been here, thousands of times but it all seems like new territory now.

“There’s a few things I know, but I’m not an expert so tell me if I’m wrong.” Holtz says, “I read that lying down on the ground helps?”

“No.” Please no, Erin thinks. Lying down doesn’t do anything good for her. The firm feeling of the floor underneath her body might be grounding, it does nothing to make up for the dizziness she feels when she realizes just how far away the ceiling is. It makes her mind go on a tangent about how large the universe is, and as a physicist she knows just how impossibly large the universe is, it makes her feel even smaller and more insignificant than she already does.

“That’s fine. Thank you for telling me.” Holtz’s voice is soft and strong, it seems like a paradox but it’s not, “Do you want to sit in the corner? The walls are close, you don’t have to look anything. It might be easier to calm down.”

Erin nods, feeling guilty instantly because Holtz is such a good friend and she shouldn’t have to carry the burden of Erin’s anxiety. The engineer has much better things to do than take care of her.

“Go on then.” She’s softly manhandled onto the floor, sitting in the corner of the lab with her butt on the cold tile floor. Her hands reach out automatically to touch the walls. The walls are real. They’re close. They can protect her.

“Should I sit behind you? I don’t want to leave you alone, but I can go to the other side of the lab? You won’t even notice I’m here.”

“Stay.” She’s never had anyone watch her have a panic attack like this, she wonders what a sight she must look. Her parents of course saw, but they don’t count because they don’t believe in anxiety. Just like they don’t believe in ghosts, or in their daughter.

Erin has never known the kind of compassion Holtz is showing her, sitting behind her and trying not to touch her.

“There’s one more thing I’d like. I want you to take deeper breaths Erin, really fill your lungs with air.” Jillian whispers, “Deep breath in, deep breath out.”

Erin follows her directions religiously, letting Holtz dictate when to breathe. The sound of her voice sooths her immensely, which is weird because Erin usually hates sound. Jillian just seems to know exactly what to do and say to ease Erin’s racing mind.

It’s nice.

“Breathe out. You’re doing so good Er, I’m so proud of you.” Holtz murmurs, “Deep breath in, that’s it. Keep breathing for me baby.”

It feels like it lasts hours, but Erin knows it’s barely a few minutes, eventually though her body gets the oxygen it has been begging for and her muscle relax in gratitude.

Holtzmann must have seen her sag with exhaustion because she stills too.

“Can I hold you? Please?” Erin can hear her scoot closer but Holtzmann is too perfect to touch her without permission.

She nods once, and she isn’t sure if Jillian can see her but she must have because her short arms wrap around her waist and she pulls her so close Erin can feel her heartbeat. And Erin feels the tension flowing away from her. And she sobs.

“Erin, baby, I’m so sorry.” Holtz mutters into her shoulder, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you baby.”

Holtzmann rocks them, like Erin remembers she did with Michael when he got scared, and she whispers all these sweet things into her ear, things that Erin always wanted to hear but never would dare to admit she wanted them.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you, I swear. It was just teasing. Don’t hate me Erin, I couldn’t stand it if you were angry with me. I need you baby.” Holtzmann rests her chin on Erin’s shoulder, Erin can feel her hot breath on her cheek, “Forgive me Er-bear? Please?”

“Always.” She says it without hesitation or doubt.

Holtz lets out a shuddery breath and kisses her cheek, wet with tears. She doesn’t pull away and neither does Erin. They just sort of weirdly rest their heads together as good as they can in their awkward koala-hug-like position. Their necks might hate them tomorrow, but right now it’s perfect.

“I never bought anyone flowers. Well, for my mom once, when I was 8.” Holtzmann whispers, “I always thought I would be the flower buying type, but I never had the chance until you… I don’t give flowers to girls, I only give them to you Erin. I want to give them to you, because it makes you blush and smile. And I like your smile Erin.”

Erin doesn’t know what to say to that, so she just leans back more into Holtz’s embrace, hoping she would understand the sentiment.

“And…” Holtz continues, “It’s the least I can do for you, after everything you’ve done for me. I don’t think you realize just how amazing you are Er-bear.”

“I didn’t do anything for you.”

Holtz scoffs, “You’re kidding right? You’ve done everything for me. That first morning, you played with Michael so I could make breakfast in peace. You know how much he hates the coffeemaker, and that morning it didn’t bother him because you were there for him. And last Saturday, Erin do you know how long it has been since I’ve been able to wake up like that? Michael never lets me wake up on my own. All because of you Erin. Hell, I’m one sleepover away from asking you to move in. You’re magical Erin.”

“I’m not” Erin mutters, her stubborn streak showing.

“You are. And I can prove it.” Erin can feel Holtz smiling against her cheek, “Michael has never ever ever ever invited anyone. Ever. Not for birthdays or sleepovers or little trips. Not even Abby, and he likes Abby. Michael adores you Erin. And I adore you just as much.”

Erin sniffles indelicately, “He really likes me?”

“Loves you to bits Erin.” Jillian whispers, “It’s impossible not to love you.”

She wants to say something but the stairs creak, indicating someone is coming up.

Erin tenses in Holtzmann’s arms, she doesn’t want anyone to find them like this but she doesn’t want to move away either. She’s not ready.

“Hang on to something.” Holtz mutters. Her hands come up to cover Erin’s ears.

“Abs? Is that you?” Holtz hollers to the stairs, “You don’t wanna come up here Abster!”

“Why not?” Abby yells back, “What are you two doing?”

“You really don’t want to know!”

Abby groans, “Whatever you do, just keep your pants on!”

“Can’t make any promises Abigail!”

“Holtzmann!” Abby protests, “If you wanted me to stay out, you could have just told me!”

“I did!”

Erin can almost _hear_ Abby’s eyes roll, “Just tell me if Erin is fine?”

Holtzmann grins wickedly, “Oh, she’s beyond _fine._ Most amazing woman I have ever laid my eyes on.”

 

* * *

 

Thursday is quiet. Everyone is a little on edge after Erin’s reaction to the teasing of yesterday.

Erin feels guilty and awkward, so she follows Holtzmann upstairs after lunch, desperate to get away from Abby and Patty’s pitying looks.

“Can I stay here?”

Holtz nods, “Of course you can. That desk over there has never touched anything radioactive, except for myself. You can have it.”

“Thanks.” She plops down on the chair, throwing some papers on the desk with every intention of finally getting this equation done.

“You’re very quiet today.” Holtz mumbles from behind her… whatever that thing is, “More than usual. Are you okay?”

“I didn’t sleep well.” Erin admits, “And I… feel a bit stupid.”

“You have nothing to feel stupid about. Your feelings are valid, no matter what how you out them.”

This is such a different side of Holtz, this mom-like wisdom. Erin usually only sees this when they’re with Michael.

“Thanks.”

Holtz frowns at her, “You really don’t seem okay Erin.”

“I’m fine.” Erin shrugs, but she feels exhausted and raw from the day before. For the first time in so long, she dreaded getting out of bed and to work, even though she didn’t sleep a bit.

“Come home with me tonight?” Holtz asks, “We’ll pick Michael up from school and have a nice dinner together. I’m making Mexican.”

“Michael doesn’t eat Mexican.” Erin knows that.

“He’ll eat a wrap with chicken nuggets and guacamole though. According to the great McDonalds that’s about as Mexican as it gets.” Holtzmann jokes.

“He won’t appreciate it.”

“The wrap?”

“The company.” Erin wishes she could say yes, but she knows she can’t, “Michael doesn’t like surprises. I don’t want to upset him.”

Holtzmann pouts, “But you’re upset and I want to make you feel better.”

“By upsetting your child?”

“Brother.” Holtz corrects, “He’s not my child, he’s my brother.”

For some reason, the minute difference is important to Holtz even if it’s just semantics to Erin.

“Still, you shouldn’t upset him for my benefit.” As much as she loves spending time in Jillian’s home, it wouldn’t make her feel any better if she knows she’s hurting Michael. That would just be cruel.

Holtzmann sighs, but Erin knows she understands, probably even better than she herself does. Nobody knows Michael like Jilly does.

“I’ll come over tomorrow, like we planned. And we’ll have the best museum trip ever.” Erin promises.

“And you’ll stay until Saturday?” Holtz asks. If Erin was still a teen, she would have sworn she heard a little bit of hope in Holtz’s voice. But she’s an adult now, and she knows better than to believe in dreams.

“Of course, it’s your turn to make breakfast.”

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

With a grin on her face, Erin presses the buzzer, mindful not to buzz for too long so it won’t bother Michael.

She didn’t sleep much better than she did the night before, but this time it was excitement keeping her awake.

She hears the click indicating that someone has picked up the horn in the apartment, but there’s no sound coming from the speaker.

Then a loud voice and a clanking and Erin wonders what the hell is going on.

“Erin?” Holtzmann asks

“Yup. Something wrong?”

Holtz chuckles, “Nothing, Michael just got a little too excited and picked up the speaker himself. And then he remembered he didn’t want to talk so he just dropped it. Come on up Er-bear.”

Erin rushes up the stairs, she has too much energy and excitement running through her veins to stand still in the elevator.

Holtz has opened the door for her, but Erin still knocks once, just to announce her arrival.

Michael is already standing in the little hallway, jacket and shoes on. He’s bouncing on his toes, Erin has never seen him that excited before.

“Hi Michael, are you ready for the dinosaurs today?” His happiness in infectious because Erin is wearing a huge smile herself now.

“Erin!” Jillian comes bouncing over, loud and uninhibited like she’s the child of the household, “We are so excited for the dinosaurs, aren’t we Michael?”

Michael nods hard, a beaming smile on his face. He looks so happy.

“I’m really excited too.”

“Do you want something before we leave?” Erin shakes her head, “Okay, we have a little ritual before we leave the house. You don’t have to play along, but just don’t laugh?”

“Never.”

Holtz turns to Michael and puts on one of her silliest voices, “Okay baby bro, we’re about to go out. Ready for the check?”

Michael nods, standing up a little straighter.

“Do we have clean underwear and socks?”

He lifts up the legs of his pants to show off his socks and Holtz shows hers.

“Good job buddy! Do we haveeeeeeee…” Holtzmann draws it out like it’s a game they’re playing, “Do we have our shirt on?”

Michael zips his coat open to show his shirt, giggling when Jillian does the same.

“Look at you, so handsome!” Erin doesn’t know which one of the Holtzmann’s is smiling the hardest, “Do we have… our shoes on?”

He kicks out his feet and Holtz follows.

“Perfect! Do we have our pants on?”

Michael is actually laughing out loud at Holtz’s crazy voice and weird questions. He shakes his legs to show Holtz his pants, so Holtz is shaking too.

“That’s it! Shake that booty!” Holtz is laughing loud too, “And are we wearing our coat?”

Michael pokes his coat to show and Jillian follows suit.

“Do you have your backpack?” Her voice is more serious now, and Michael nods. The game is over, so there’s no more need to laugh.

“The backpack holds his emergency supplies.” Holtz explains, ushering them both out the door, “Headphones, emergency dinosaur, all the essentials.”

“Emergency dinosaur?”

Holtz shrugs her shoulders, “That one was his contribution, I have no idea what he would do with it. Probably throw it at someone.”

“Probably.” Erin agrees with a smile, “And what’s with the little dance off?”

“He insists on dressing himself, so I do it to check if he’s actually dressed.” Holtz beams, “Did you like it? It’s so much fun.”

“Loved it.” Erin admits, because it was pretty much the cutest thing she’s seen  all week, “Michael do you want to push the button for the elevator?”

“Oh nonono.” Holtz interrupts, “He doesn’t touch public buttons. Germs and stuff.” She pushes the button herself, “He’s kind of finicky about those things.”

“He’s finicky about a lot of things.” Erin notes. She doesn’t mean it in any rude way, she just means there’s a lot she’ll have to learn about him.

“True.” Holtz nods, “But that’s why we love him.”

“It is.” Erin looks down at the boy, he’s still wriggling around in the elevator with a smile. Probably his way of dancing.

“So how did you sleep?” Holtz asks, and maybe she tried to make it sound as innocent as possible, but Erin can hear the real question behind it. Holtzy is just subtly trying to know how she feels.

“Slept terrible, I was way too excited to sleep. But I feel great.”

“Promise?”

She nods, “Promise.”

“Okidoki then.”

The elevator comes to a halt and Michael immediately slips his hand into Holtz’s and Erin follows suit.

It’s only been two days since she felt Holtz’s fingers intertwined with hers but Erin missed this feeling more than she can ever say.

So she just smiles at Holtz and tries to enjoy the moment for as long as it lasts. Holtz smiles back at her, she always does and squeezes her hand.

“Let’s do this.”

Michael doesn’t really like the outside world much, Erin had noticed that when they walked him home after school last week. New York is a busy place and he’s just a small human, it’s only logical that he’s afraid. And Michael is just always a bit squirmy and nervous, Erin would honestly be more surprised if he did great outside.

His face is pinched tight with worry and concern. He hums occasionally, especially when someone passes him a little too close for comfort. He’s just generally really uncomfortable.

Holtz ignores it for the most part, just tugging him a little closer whenever she sees he’s on a collision course with someone else. If there was something they could do to comfort him, Erin knows Holtz would be doing it in a heartbeat.

That’s just the way she is.

All three of them sigh in relief though when they arrive at the natural history museum.

“Why do they called it the American Natural History Museum?” Holtz wonders out loud, “It’s not the only natural history museum in the country, is it?”

Erin shrugs, “Maybe it was the first?”

“Possible.” Holtz digs out her wallet, “Two adults and a kid, please.”

“Holtz, I can pay for my own ticket.” Erin whispers, suddenly feeling a little awkward. She doesn’t want Holtz to pay for her stuff.

“I don’t mind.” Holtzmann shrugs, “Unless you feel like I’m attacking your independence or something? In that case, you can pay me back. I don’t want to offend. Feminism is very important to me too.”

She looks so genuinely concerned for a second there, it’s too adorable.

“No, my independence is still perfectly fine.” Erin jokes lightly, “I just don’t like taking advantage of you.”

“You’re not taking advantage.” Holtz reassures her, “You can get the check next time, okay?”

 _Next time_. Erin can’t wait.

Holtz pays the lady with a smile, her hands immediately finding their old positions, one on Michael’s shoulder and the other slipping into Erin’s.

“Let’s go pretty people, the dinosaurs are waiting for us.”

 

* * *

 

He takes his time with every dinosaur, reading all the plates multiple times so he won’t miss anything.

Erin stays a few steps behind him with Jillian’s hand still firmly in hers.

“Thanks for coming with us.” Jillian whispers, “I know he isn’t always the best of company, but it means a lot to him that you’re here.”

“You don’t have to thank me Jilly.” Erin squeezes her hand, “And he’s great company just the way he is. You worry too much.”

Holtzmann chuckles, “That’s my line Gilbert.”

Erin just knocks their shoulders together in reply.

It’s nice to wander through the museum together, Michael always ahead. It’s almost too nice, if she closes her eyes, she can imagine a different world. Where their joined hands might mean something more, where the boy could maybe have darker curls to go with his baby blue eyes.

It’s childish dreaming and she doesn’t allow herself to get lost in it. There’s no point.

But it would be beautiful.

This is just as great though, Erin feels almost honored that she gets to watch Michael so relaxed and happy.

“Honey can you come walk with us now?” Holtzmann calls out to her brother, and Michael, like the perfect boy he is, comes trotting right back to them.

“Remember the big dinosaur robots from last time? We’re getting to those now, so you can hold my hand okay?” Holtz holds out her free hand.

Michael frowns but grabs her hand anyway.

“He hates the animatronics.” Jill explains, “But it’s on the route to go see the giant whale and he loves the whale.”

“How often do you come here?” Erin suddenly wants to know, because she visits the museum at least once a year and not even she knows where the whale skeleton is.

“Every month.” Jillian grins widely, “He loves it here.”

“That’s insane!” It flaps out of her mouth, Erin has been known to have bad impulse control like that. Her own eyes widen when she sees Holtz’s face fall.

“Oh shit, no Jill, I don’t mean _he’s_ insane.” Erin stumbles over herself to explain, “I… shit, I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean to say _that_.”

Holtzmann turns her head to look down at her brother, it feels like she’s deliberately avoiding to look at Erin. Her lips are pursed, a frown creasing her forehead.

She nods like she’s trying to swirl Erin’s words around in her brain, “It’s… It’s okay. I get it.”

She doesn’t. Erin feels it in the way Holtz’s hand slowly slips out of hers leaving only cold in its wake.

“Jillian, Jill no.” Erin grasps her hand back in hers, she can’t stand the empty feeling, “No. I didn’t mean it like that. You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Holtz shrugs her off, “It’s fine Erin.”

She uses both her hands to steer Michael to her left, so she’s in between him and Erin. So she’s protecting him, from Erin.

“Mamama!”

“What’s wrong baby boy?” Jillian crouches down in front of him.

He puts his hand on her cheek and Erin flinches because for just a moment she expects him to slap Holtz again.

But instead he rests his forehead against Holtz’s, and maybe this is the first time Erin has ever noticed him making eye contact with anyone.

“Mamama.”

“What honey?”

Michael takes in a deep breath, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale.”

Holtz throws her head back laughing, “Yes honey, we’re going to see the whales now.”

She rights herself, groaning exaggeratedly like it takes an effort when Erin knows just how fit Jillian really is. It makes Michael giggle though.

“You can go home, if you want.” Holtz is curt with her, and Erin has never seen her like this, “Wouldn’t want to impose on your free day.”

“What? No.” The dismissal of her presence breaks Erin’s heart, but she can’t leave, “No Jillian, Michael asked me to be here and I will goddamn be here.”

She doesn’t curse, ever. She never saw the appeal of it. But the words fly out of her mouth like so much other stupid things tend to do.

“Erin.” Holtz frowns but Erin has heard her say much worse around Michael so that can’t be it, “I don’t want people who think like that around my brother. He might not have understood it now, but I will not have you hurt him.”

“But I don’t think like that! I wasn’t talking about him! Just about…” Erin motions around them, “This!”

“That’s bullshit Erin! It’s not the boy, it’s the behavior? Really? That’s what you’re going with here?” Holtz is fuming, “That’s _hate the sin, not the sinner_ type bullshit and you know it! His behavior is who he is, and if you think that’s _insane_ then I don’t want you here!”

Tears are suddenly pricking Erin’s eyes. She’s seen Holtz angry before, she’s made her angry. But this just seems so much different, like if she could Holtz would make her explode right on the spot. She’s protecting her brother and it’s admirable but Erin never thought Holtz would have to protect him from her.

She mulls over Holtzmann’s words, trying to ignore how nervous her piercing blue eyes are making her. She just doesn’t want to say something stupid again.

“I… I don’t think like that.” It’s all she can come up with, but it’s honest, “I like him Holtz, please? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to use that word, I just… I was surprised, I guess? It flapped out.”

Holtz’s hand is suddenly on her cheek, “Shit Er, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I got too defensive, I shouldn’t have. He just… he can’t protect himself Er, I’m all he has.”

Erin sniffles loudly, embarrassed at being so damn emotional in front of Holtz again. This shouldn’t be about her, but here Holtz is, trying to comfort her again. Because she can’t keep it together enough to have a normal adult discussion.

“I’m sorry Jillian.”

Before Holtzmann can say anything else, Michael tugs on her coat.

“Docdoc sad?”

“Doctor Gilbert? Yeah she’s a little sad right now.” Holtz’s entire face changes when she talks to her brother, “But it’s okay, she’ll feel better when we see the other dinosaurs, right Doc?”

“Uhm, yeah.” Erin quickly wipes the tears from her face, “Dinosaurs always make me happy.”

Michael cocks his head, his face scrunched up from thinking really hard. He takes his backpack off and Holtz groans.

“No Michael, the backpack is for emergencies, remember?” She tries to take it from him but he tugs it away, “Michael, no.”

He doesn’t listen, rummaging through his pack like he’s on a mission.

“Michael Holtzmann, I’m not kidding. Close that backpack right now.” Jillian wags her finger at him and Erin can’t help but snort at how much she looks like Erin’s own mother right now.

Michael ignores the mock offended look Jillian throws  her, he pretty much ignores everything they say, especially his sister’s warnings when he upends his backpack all over the museum floor.

“No Michael. Why?” Holtz rubs her forehead, upset at the prospect of having to clean up after him.

But Michael doesn’t care because he’s seemingly found what he was looking for. A plastic dinosaur.

He holds it above his head in triumph.

“You want the dinosaur? If you had asked, I would have taken it out for you.” Holtzmann says, “Look at the mess you made buddy, now we have to clean that all up.”

“Docdoc.” And he waves the dinosaur in Erin’s direction.

Holtz gapes, “Are you giving the dinosaur to Doc Gilbert? Because she’s sad? Oh wow…”

“What?” Erin takes the dinosaur from Michael with a smile, he’s such a sweet boy. She doesn’t get the weird look on Holtz’s face, like she might start crying any second, but she doesn’t get a lot when it comes to Michael. She’ll learn eventually. She won’t fuck up again.

“Michael, baby, are you giving that because she said she likes dinosaurs?”

Michael nods.

“Honey! That’s empathy! Michael, you did it!” Holtzmann grabs him off the floor and lifts him up, “You did it boy! You’re so smart! That’s so good! When our friends get sad, we comfort them! You did such a good job Michael!”

Michael wriggles his body out of Holtz’s grip, frowning in dismay at his sister when he finally feels the solid ground beneath his feet again. He’s making it clear that his actions did not warrant that much touching and it’s just too cute.

“Erin! He gave you the dinosaur!” there’s a tear making his way down Holtz’s cheek.

“He did.” Erin waves the toy at Holtz.

Holtz’s grin is wider than Erin has ever seen it, “This is one of the best days ever.”

“Really?”

“Definitely!” Holtz is bouncing on his feet, “Okay, let’s get this crap back in your backpack and we’ll go see the whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaales.”

Michael nods his approval, dumping his stuff into his sack in a hurry.

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale!” He’s beyond ready, Erin has never heard him make so much sound.

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale!” Holtz echoes and grabs his hand, “What do you say Docdoc?” She wriggles her free hand at Erin.

Erin grabs it without question, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale!”

 

* * *

 

When they finally leave the museum, Erin is exhausted, Jillian thinks that is hilarious, and Michael owns three more plastic dinosaurs, a plush whale _and_ a dinosaur coloring book, all courtesy of Erin who has never learned how to say _no_ to a child in a museum giftshop. Holtz swore to forever make fun of her for that.

It’s fine, Erin doesn’t mind. Michael smiled, and maybe it was a bought smile, but it was a smile nonetheless.

Holtz keeps a firm grip on her hand, and Michael’s, all the way home, and Erin is as excited to fall down on the couch as she is after a hard day of busting.

“What do you want to have for dinner?” Holtzmann asks her when she pushes the door open, “Nuggets for Michael and whatever you want for us?”

The thought of having to put effort in food almost makes Erin fall asleep on the spot, “Something that doesn’t require movement. Take out? There’s a great Lebanese a few blocks away. They deliver.”

“It’s fine, I have to cook for Michael anyway. I don’t mind cooking for us too.” Holtz is already moving to the kitchen, but Erin tugs her back with the hand she couldn’t quite let go.

“I’m too tired to cook.”

Holtz laughs at her, “You’re not going to cook Er, you can go sleep on the couch if you want.”

“How  are you not tired?” Erin demands to know. It’s not fair, Holtz got dragged around just as much and yet she still looks fit as a fiddle while Erin feels like she ran the New York marathon twice with her protonpack strapped to her back.

“Practice? Don’t worry Er-bear, you get used to it eventually.” Holtz shrugs a little, “Now food?”

Erin groans, “Noooooooooooo. McDonalds? They have nuggets, I’ll even go get them if you just _sit down_.”

She punctuates the words by flopping back on the couch, not thinking about the tiny fact that she still has Holtz’s hand in her own. Jillian squeaks, toppling over from the force of Erin’s tug, and she lands on top of Erin, the two of them now sprawled out on the couch.

“Well…” Jillian mumbles, “If you wanted to get me horizontal, all you had to do was say the word. Though I do appreciate a good rough ‘n tumble.”

“Shut up Jillian.” Erin chuckles, pushing her face away from her own. She loves the proximity but it’s making her very sweaty.

“Make me.” Holtz winks, earning herself an eyeroll from Erin.

“You always say that!” She protest with a laugh, “I would expect a little more creativity from you.”

“Oh I can get creative.” The way Holtz is looking at her is downright filthy, “I can get _very_ creative.”

“Sure you can.” Erin shakes her head, deciding to tease Holtz a little bit, “I bet you make the most awesome paintings with your little brother during arts and crafts hour.”

“Gilbert!” Holtz laughs, rolling her body off Erin’s, “First, _ew_ for switching _that_ subject to my brother, and second, are you implying that I’m boring?”

“Nothing about you is boring. Now come back.” She tries to tug Holtzmann back on top of her, ignoring Holtz’s amused looks, “It’s cold here.”

“There’s a blanket right there.”

Erin ignores her completely.

 

* * *

 

Michael is out like a light way before his bedtime. Holtz blames the museum and Erin understands now why she takes him every month. He’s an amazing child, but she doesn’t think she’s ever been this tired before.

She’s on her side of the bed, alone because Holtz is still brushing her teeth.

She looks around, not to snoop, but just because there’s nothing better to do. There’s a few pictures of Holtz and Michael on the nightstand, and a picture of Holtz with a woman who’s probably her mother. Holtz can’t be much older than Michael is now in that photo and Erin thinks about the vast age difference between the siblings.

“Whatcha looking at?” Holtz walks back in the room, a toothpaste stain on her T-shirt that Erin _knows_ wasn’t there before.

“Your mom?” Erin points at the photo and Holtz nods.

“Yeah, Lindsey. She was…” Holtz plops down on the bed, “Well… She _tried?_ I guess? I would like to believe that she tried at least. But she was awful.”

“Oh…” Erin grimaces, she didn’t mean to remind Holtz of something bad, “I’m sorry?”

“Don’t be, she’s been dead for more than twenty years. I barely think about it.” Holtzmann shrugs, “But it’s a nice picture and… I thought I deserved one nice memory of her.”

“Twenty years? So she’s not… Michael’s mother?” Erin doesn’t want to pry but human curiosity is… well… curious.

“She is not. Doesn’t make him any less my brother though.” Holtzmann smiles at one of the pictures of them, “You can ask me what he’s doing here, you know? We’re friends, I’m not hiding anything.”

“I don’t want to be nosy though.” Erin shrugs, “And I don’t have to know. He’s here, he’s obviously staying here. That’s it. That’s all I need to know.”

Holtzmann turns on her side to face Erin, “I’d like to tell you.”

“Then tell me.” Erin turns too so she can watch Holtzmann. Because this feels like an important moment, but also, watching Holtzmann is one of her favorite things to do.

“My mom died when I was nine. She overdosed. I went into fostercare and I stayed in group homes until I aged out.” Holtz speaks so fast it’s hard to catch up, “Don’t feel sorry, I turned out perfectly fine. Kind of.”

“You did.”

The grin she gets is nearly blinding, “Anyway, I always knew who my dad was, but he didn’t want me and that was just fine. But then five years ago I got a call from this lady from child services. My dad and his new… whatever she  was, they died. And I was the only family member. So I tell the lady that I’m not interested in any inheritance.” Holtzmann shrugs, “I hadn’t really thought about the fact that she was from child services, they don’t really tend to do inheritances. Anyway, she tells me that my dad had a son and that this child needed a home.”

“That… I would be so shocked if that happened…”

“That’s only because you know your dad. Mine was a stranger to me. I never met him.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I was way better off not knowing him.” Holtz says, “My initial reaction when the lady told me was the very obvious. _Hell no_. But she _begged_ me to come anyway, she said nobody would ever want him… I still said no though.” Of the entire story, about deadbeat dads and dead parents, this is where Holtz falters, “I said no. I was barely 27. I was in consideration for a position at CERN. I… I didn’t know who he was yet, I… he didn’t _feel_ like my brother, he was just another stranger.”

So that’s what happened to CERN. Erin reaches out to hold Holtz’s hand, “Jill, come on, that’s a normal reaction. You didn’t know him.”

“It kept me up all night. When she said nobody would ever want him, it made me think about myself.” Holtz bites her lip, “No family ever wanted me, I was always too… too much myself? I just thought, if I go to meet him, I can tell him that if he just doesn’t do anything _weird_ he’ll find a family. A better one than I could give him.”

“That’s ridiculous, you give him _everything_ Jill.”

“I do _now_. But back then, I was still a kid myself.”

“You still are.” Erin jokes.

“Yeah.” Holtz grins, “But uh, I went to visit him at that group home and he was hiding under his bed, still wearing the same clothes as when he got there. They couldn’t get him to eat or talk or go to the bathroom. And he was so tiny Er, you should have seen him. So tiny and completely upset. I took him home, I had to. I turned CERN down, found Abby, took Michael to tons of specialists and schools and now we kinda have a system. It’s a lot of work but it’s all worth it. He’s my brother.”

“You’re great with him.”

Holtz blushes, “I don’t think I can ever be actually great with him, but I do my very best.”

“He’s lucky to have you.”

“I think I’m the lucky one, he made my life so much better. I was really lonely before him, and I wouldn’t have Abby or Patty or you if it wasn’t for him.”

“Then I’m really glad you have him.”

Erin isn’t sure how it happens, but they move from just stroking Jillian’s arm to a complete snuggle and it’s wonderful.

“CERN is overrated anyway.” Holtz mutters.

“Definitely.” There’s no way, CERN is every engineers wet dream, “I bet you could build a Hadron Collider with just galvanized pipes.”

“Is that a challenge Gilbert?”

“It most definitely isn’t!”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it took a long ass time, but it's also a long ass chapter sooooo forgive me?

 

 

It’s only the third time she wakes up like this, but Erin is pretty sure she could get used to this. The bed is so much softer and warmer than what she’s used to in her own apartment, but it has nothing to do with the actual mattress.

She’s on the edge but Holtzmann’s arms around her keep her safe. Michael has spread out on Holtz’s other side with his new whale some time during the night. For a tiny human, he sure takes up a lot of space.

Erin doesn’t mind because it just means Jillian has to be so much closer to her. And she is.

The engineer is completely wrapped around her, like Erin is her teddy. She couldn’t get much closer if she tried.

But Erin still tugs on her arm to get her closer.

Holtz grumbles in response, shuffling closer until she’s nearly on top of Erin.

“Good morning grumpy.”

“Is not morning.”

Erin chuckles, turning around to face Holtz. Or at least try to, because Holtz’s face is covered in her mop of blonde hair.

She brushes the hair out of Holtz’s face gently. As much as she loves her crazy hair, she loves looking at her face more.

“Good morning.” She whispers again.

Holtz doesn’t answer but she’s looking at her in a funny way, staring deep into her eyes with a frown on her face, like she’s thinking about something really hard.

“What?” Erin questions.

“Sometimes…” Holtz bites her lips and Erin thinks that this is it, this is the moment she dies because her heart can’t handle how hot Jillian is with her tousled hair and crusty eyes and her cracking voice and that stupid lip biting, “Sometimes Errie-berrie…”

Erin snorts, “That is by far the worst nickname ever.”

Holtz laughs, her eyes close and she throws her head back and Erin just feels an overwhelming happiness radiate off of her.

Holtzmann is like the sun and Erin knows she should look away but she can’t. She’ll happily sacrifice her eyes if she can get one more second of the beauty that is Holtzmann’s smile.

“You’re looking at me…”

“You started it.” Erin counters.

“I know… you’re pretty distracting.” Jillian’s voice sounds so different, not her usual teasing flirting, just blunt honesty and Erin doesn’t know what to do with this.

It’s like they’re stuck in this little bubble where it’s just the two of them. The way Holtz is looking at her, Erin is sure that look is mirrored in her own eyes.

She’s never been brave but Holtz always make her feel like she can do anything.

She reaches out, because she can, because Holtz will let her. Her fingers twirl Holtz’s hair. She’s had freaking _dreams_ of doing this exact thing.

Her stomach is flipping, her heart is dropping, it’s like an entire exodus is happening inside of her.

“Er…” there’s so many questions swimming in Holtz’s eyes, Erin wants to answer them all. She wants so much it’s almost terrifying.

Holtz’s hand appears low on her back like magic and Erin can feel the lightest pressure of Holtz trying to ever so politely get her closer.

“Erin, I want…”

Erin feels like she knows what’s coming. She can just feel Holtzmann’s soul reaching out and intertwining with hers and it takes everything she has to just lie still and not vibrate off the mattress with sheer excitement.

“Mamama docdoc.”

Erin jerks away like a teenager being caught with their pants down, forgetting that Holtz’s hands were the only thing keeping her on the bed in the first place. With a highpitched yelp and a loud crash, Erin finds herself sprawled out on the floor, looking up at Holtzmann’s face that hilariously peeks out over the edge of the bed.

“Uhm… you okay?” Erin can see just how hard Holtz is trying not to laugh.

“I’m fine. Help me up.”

Holtzmann pulls on her outstretched hands, sighing overdramatically, “The things I do for you Gilbertski. The things I do for you.”

“Shut up Holtzmann.” It’s become a standard reaction to just about anything Jillian does.

“ _Make me._ ” Holtz sings and Erin knows she has to respond like she always does.

“You wish.”

But Holtz doesn’t laugh like she always does, she just sort of smiles and does this weird half-shrug, “Maybe.”

Erin nearly falls off the bed again.

 

* * *

 

They make breakfast together, with Michael watching and waiting politely. They’ve never cooked together before, and Erin had half expected Holtz to douse her in flower but the kitchen stays surprisingly clean.

There’s no doubt in her mind that Holtz is this calm only for Michael.

“Are you sticking around today?” Holtz asks, a hint of shyness coloring her cheeks.

Erin casts a worried look at Michael. She wants to stay so bad, but what if Michael doesn’t want her there anymore?

“Er.” Holtz’s hand covers her own, Erin is starting to get used to the feeling of calloused fingers stroking her own. It’s amazing. “What do _you_ want?”

“I want to stay.” Erin says honestly, “If that’s alright?”

“More than alright. I’d be sad if you wanted to leave.”

That _something_ she felt this morning in bed with Holtz flares up again, sparkling like it’s New Years Eve. But Michael is awake now, he’s sitting there and even though Holtz is looking at her like she’s never seen her before, there’s a distance between them. Jillian’s priorities are with Michael, as they should be. But Erin isn’t sure where that leaves her.

“We have plans today though, if you don’t mind?” Jillian says, “Grocery shopping and park kind of plans.”

“Sounds good to me. What do you think Michael? Can I stay here with you guys today?”

Michael grunts with his mouth full of pancakes, he doesn’t look up from his plate and it’s so hard to know what he thinks or wants. Erin kind of hates it, she wishes he could make himself more clear or that she could learn how to understand him, it would make it so much easier to be considerate of his wants and needs.

She casts a look at Holtzmann because she has a much easier time interpreting his complete lack of communication skills.

Holtz just grins, “You worry too much Erin, he’s _fine_. If he didn’t want you here, you would know. The entire building would know.”

“Yeah but…”

“No buts.” Jillian shakes her head, “You wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want you here. I wouldn’t have invited you if it made him upset. I know him, he wants you here.”

“Fine.” There’s a smile on her face, she really didn’t want to go home anyway, “I’ll stay.”

 

* * *

 

There’s one thing Erin didn’t think about, she wouldn’t go as far as calling it a regret, but she still wishes she had considered that grocery shopping involved going outside.

Erin wonders how Holtzmann does this when it’s just her, because right now Erin is holding the cart while Holtz tries to bribe Michael into behaving with a comic book.

In the end, Michael wins the argument, Erin has a feeling he wins a lot. The boy is in the cart, completely stretched out with headphones and the comic book, resting against Holtzmann’s old-people trolley and munching on a banana and trying desperately to ignore the rest of the world. Erin made fun of the trolley before they left, but Holtz shrugged, explaining that she can’t carry all the bags _and_ hold Michael’s hand on their way back home. Old people trolleys are her best bet.

“It’s a little stupid, but he feels safe in the cart.”

“It’s not stupid. Kids sit in the carts all the time.” Erin argues, she’s pretty sure that’s just what kids do, right?

“Yeah.” Holtz mumbles, glancing around the store.

She’s self conscious. Erin has never seen her like that before. She’s seen Holtz embarrassed and angry and sad, but never self conscious. She just thought that Holtz didn’t even know how to be, confidence seeps out of the woman like ectoplasm out of ghosts. She just never considered this to be possible.

“Holtz, you’re okay.” Erin never thought she’d be the one in this position, “Don’t think about what others say. You do what you need to do, for him.”

“I know…” Holtz doesn’t quite meet her eyes, “But people… people can be really mean Er. And I don’t… they make me feel like I’m not taking care of him properly, you know? Like I’m doing something wrong and that’s why he’s different… and sometimes… what if they’re right? What if I’m an enabler?”

Erin scoffs, “That is ridiculous. You’re not an enabler, you can’t _enable_ a disability. You can just figure out what works and go with it! And if sitting in a shopping cart is the weirdest thing he does, I think that’s pretty good. Because you worked hard to get him here, and one day maybe he won’t need the cart anymore. But right now he does and whoever thinks that he’s not doing amazingly well, they can… they can just go fuck themselves!”

 “You’re ridiculous.”

She’ll gladly be ridiculous if it means putting a smile on Holtzmann’s face. She knows that the advice not to listen to other people is a bit… stupid when it comes from the most self conscious person in the whole wide world. But it’s all she can give.

Jillian pushes the cart because when Erin grabbed it again out of habit, Michael started banging his head against the metal sides. Not hard enough to really hurt himself, but definitely loud enough for the entire store to turn their heads at them.

“Can you read the list for me? I organized what we need per aisle.” Jillian says,  “So we can minimize the time we actually need to be here.”

“Smart.” Erin muses. It seems like everything Holtz does, is completely thought out. It’s so different than when she’s at work. When it comes to nuclear devices, the engineer is always a little… unpredictable.

But with Michael, she makes lists, instruction boards, plans.

The more she hangs out with Holtz outside of work, the more Erin gets why she’s such a ball of loud energy. She just doesn’t have any other place to express herself. Her entire life is dedicated to Michael. Everything she does, it’s never for herself. It’s always Michael.

“First things first, cereal.” Jillian pushes forward, because she may have made a list, but of course she knows by heart what she needs, “It’s important you stick to the right brand, okay? We only eat Cap’n Crunch peanut butter crunch, nothing else, just to avoid any mental breakdowns before 9 in the morning. Holtzy does not appreciate those.”

It’s like a military briefing, Erin muses.

“That sounds kind of unhealthy. All that sugar can’t be good for him.”

Holtz shrugs, “I don’t really think about it. I’m just happy he eats. When he was little the texture of some foods freaked him out, so he just refused to eat at all. It’s been a rough ride with this little dude.”

They’re quick about it. Erin gets infected by Holtzmann’s rushed energy, like they can’t spend a minute too long here or all is going to shit. They don’t make smalltalk like they usually do, no flirting, no nothing. They’re just speedstacking groceries around and eventually on top of Michael as fast as they can. It truly does feel like a military mission.

Still, they’re not even halfway on the list when Michael starts getting fussy, throwing his head back repeatedly to bang against the metal wiring.

“Michael baby, don’t do that.” Holtzmann tries not to spend too much attention on it, hoping he will just stop out of himself, but obviously that won’t happen. He stills for one second though, probably to listen to what Holtz has to say, and then just bangs his head even harder against the cart.

“Maybe turn his music up?” Erin suggests, gesturing to Michael’s headphones. Maybe the supermarket sounds are getting to be too much for him.

“They’re not even plugged in.” Holtzmann admits, “He just likes something covering his ears. He hates music.”

“Oh.”

“Michael, stop that. You know I can’t hold you right now, I have to push the cart.”

“I can do that.” Erin butts in, “Push the cart, not hold him.” Michael would most likely not want that.

“He should learn that he can’t always get his way Er.”

Michael wails loudly in protest, and Erin can just _feel_ people staring and judging. The joys of shopping with a small child.

“Jill, come on.” Erin sighs, she knows she _just_ told Holtzmann not to care about what other people think, but the embarrassment of Michael throwing a tantrum in the middle of the supermarket outweighs any good advice, “He’s just upset.”

Jillian rolls her eyes at  Erin but she does see the smile tugging at edge of her lips when she leans into the cart, “Come here boy, up you go. Don’t put your banana-hands in my hair, I’ll give you a wipe when we’re out of here, okay?”

She groans exaggeratedly, and Erin hears her complaining under her breath about being too damn old for this shit. But Holtzmann puts on her best smile, hoisting her brother securely up on her hip like she would do with a baby.

Michael clings to her like she’s his lifeline, which Erin supposes she kind of is. It’s a disturbing kind of cute, in the sense that she would never have thought it to be cute. She can’t really explain it all that well. It’s disturbing because seeing such a big kid being so completely dependent on someone else, is kind of heartbreaking. But it’s cute because she can practically feel the love Holtz has for him and the trust Michael puts in her.

“Let’s get this over with, Michael is getting a bit too heavy for me.”

Erin would never claim to enjoy supermarket shopping, she actually kind of hates it. With its too bright lights and generic popsongs, it’s pretty obnoxious. But the way they’re shopping today just sucks the little fun she had out of it.

She won’t say anything, she’s not _rude_. Besides, she understands why it has to be like this. It’s just not fun to see Holtz stressing out about Michael stressing out because it makes _her_ stress out.

Erin lets out a sigh of relief when they reach the check-out, a sigh that is definitely echoed by Holtz.

“Okay buddy, I’m putting you down now.” She warns before setting Michael back on the ground.

Erin watches her, because she likes to let Holtz take the lead on these kinds of things. It’s all new territory for her and she doesn’t want to do something wrong.

While they’re waiting in line, Holtzmann digs out a lanyard from her deep pockets, attaching the clip to one of the loops on her pants. Michael grabs on to the other end without her having to prompt him.

“It’s a bit like a leash.” Holtz catches her looking, “I used to let him just hold my pants, but he gets in the way when I’m loading the trolley. Now he can hold on without me accidentally knocking his teeth out.”

“Smart.”

“I know.” Holtz lifts the trolley out of their cart already, just to be prepared. It’s cute, but slightly manic and Erin has a much harder time with this rhythm of life than she thought she would.

She’s always considered herself to be very clean, very orderly, maybe sometimes a little bit too much so. She stupidly assumed that Michael’s board and his _quirks_ would be easy for her to adjust to, at least easier than for most people.

But it’s all so rushed and planned, like there’s not a breath of air that goes unannounced and it’s suffocating her. It’s sucking the life out of her, and for what? Some vague mumblings, half a smile and a dozen tantrums?

She honestly has no idea how Holtz does it.

“Don’t frown that much, you’ll get wrinkly.”

Erin catches Holtz’s teasing grin, but she can’t bring herself to smile.

“Why don’t you ever frown?”

“Huh?” Holtz gets caught off guard by her awkward questions, “Why would I frown?”

“Because…” and Holtz does frown now Erin vaguely gestures towards Michael.

“Can we…” Holtz scratches her chin, “Can we talk about that another time? Like, I get that you have questions and stuff and I like that, I love your big brain, I really want to answer them, it’s just… not in the supermarket?”

Erin closes her eyes when she feels the rush of embarrassment showing on her face. How stupid of her to ask those kind of things in the _supermarket_. She’s supposed to be ridiculously smart but all she feels is ridiculous.

“Hey, it’s okay Erin.” Holtz’s hand curls around her wrist, pulling her back from her self deprecating tangent, “I don’t mind.”

Erin nods because words seem to fail her constantly.

She keeps herself in the background. She chooses to watch Holtzmann pack away their groceries, with Michael still firmly attached to her like a puppy, instead of helping her out. Erin doesn’t feel like anything she does actually results in helping. She only makes things more difficult for Holtzmann.

It’s hard enough for her to direct Michael, but now the engineer has to turn around and explain everything to Erin and it’s not fair. Erin shouldn’t be here. She’s not contributing anything to whatever this is. She’s just standing there, judging them both and it’s just not her place.

They have a system, a family. And Erin constantly barges in and overthrows it. She can’t help because she can’t figure out what it is that Michael wants. And just the fact that she thinks she could help at all, like Holtz _needs_ to be helped like she is a charity project… She’s disgusted with her own backward thinking.

She doesn’t hold Holtz’s hand on the way back to the apartment, and not just because Holtz doesn’t have a free hand for her to hold. That overwhelming sense of not belonging, intruding even, it just holds her back.

She stays two steps behind the siblings even when she can see how much Holtz is struggling with Michael. He just does not want to cooperate today. But what is Erin going to do about it?

Her feet feel heavier and heavier with each step that brings them closer to the apartment. Erin should just leave, excuse herself and go home. She should stop this delusional dreaming. She doesn’t fit here, not in Michael’s life. There’s no place for her here. She just can’t do this.

“I should go…” is all Erin can say when they finally reach the apartment after what feels like a 50 year long travel.

“Huh?” Holtz swivels around to look at her, but Erin sees the way she glances at her brother first. It’s normal, of course Holtz’s priorities are with the kid, but Erin just… she just doesn’t get what she’s doing here.

She’s trying so desperately to have fun with Holtzmann, flirt a little. She wants so badly to have a moment with her, that superromantic moment where the dam bursts and feelings come pouring out and all that exists in the world is the two of them.

But Erin knows that’s only just a dream. Even if Holtz likes her, it’s never going to be just the two of them. And Erin feels _horrible_ because she sometimes gets sad that Holtz isn’t hers. It’s so selfish and wrong. But she can’t help it.

“Erin? Are you alright?” Holtz seems so genuinely worried and it only makes Erin feels worse because she doesn’t want to take up Holtz’s time like this, with her stupid, selfish thoughts. Holtz has better things to do than wipe Erin’s tears away all damn day.

“Come on Er-bear, I’m making grill cheese for lunch. I know how much you love those.” Holtzmann holds the door to the building open for her, “I’ll even cut the crust off.”

Erin swallows away the sadness in her throat, “I… I should go home.”

“I don’t think you should…” Holtzmann has her mom-frown on her face, “I think you look like crap and you should stay here, because if you’re getting sick you shouldn’t be alone.”

Erin wants to say no because of all the reasons her brain had come up with. She doesn’t know if she wants to stay anymore. Being home will make her sad and lonely, but being here will make her feel sad and guilty. There’s no decent choice to make, not for her, but at least at home she won’t be bothering Holtz as much.

So she says the only thing that makes any sense to her, the only thing she really wants despite how crappy it will make her feel in the end, “I’ll stay a bit longer.”

 

* * *

 

They don’t speak much during lunch. Erin feels awkward because Holtz has no idea how she thinks or feels.

But Holtz seems unperturbed by the silent treatment from Erin, she’s always so damn understanding. She keeps touching Erin though, asking her if everything is fine multiple times. It’s nice and it leaves Erin feeling more and more guilty every time.

“I don’t know what’s up with you…” Holtz says when Erin claims to be just fine once again, “But I’m here for you, okay? Whatever it is.”

Erin can’t respond to that. How can she explain that she feels… whatever it is that she feels toward Michael. She likes him well enough, he’s cute and he looks so much like Holtzmann and that’s cute, but he scares her to death. How can she tell Holtz that she’s jealous of all the time he spends with her, when there is nobody else in this world willing to spend time with him? How can she tell her that she wants Holtz so much, but she’s scared that Holtz won’t have time for her because Michael always comes first. As he should.

“Hey Er?” She doesn’t know how long she sat there in silence, but Holtz looks at her with something akin to pity, “It’s time to go to the playground in the park. Fresh air will do you good, I think.”

There’s nothing about Holtz right now that could give away what an adorable dork she is during the week. She looks old, Erin thinks, she looks responsible.

And Erin takes advantage of her worry, she thinks, by letting Holtz take her with them to the park. It’s not fair to Jillian, she should be able to give Michael her undivided attention, and Erin should be there to keep her company. Maybe offer some adult conversation. But all she does is mope around in silence and make Jillian worry more.

She’s ruining Holtzmann’s weekend by staying here, but she would ruin her own even more by leaving. It’s selfish and unfair. But that’s just how it is.

As crappy a day as Erin is having,  it doesn’t seem like Michael is doing much better. He’s whiny and aggressive, constantly smacking Holtz’s legs or himself.

Holtzmann almost has to physically drag him to the park, saying that his behavior would be much worse if they didn’t come. If they broke his routine.

“Sit.” Holtz points Erin to a bench, and goes with Michael to inspect the slide. Erin has no idea what they’re doing, she doesn’t really want to ask either. She just sits down like Holtz asked her to and waits.

She doesn’t even watch to see what Holtz is doing with her brother. It doesn’t matter. She’ll never learn and he’ll never want her help either. Nothing really matters.

“He’ll be busy for a bit.” Holtzmann comes back. Erin can feel she isn’t really looking at her, she’s keeping an eye on Michael, and she should, Erin knows she should. But she just… this morning, Holtz looked at her, she really _saw_ her and Erin just wants to feel like that again.

“Tell me what’s wrong Er?” Holtz asks, “Please? Did I do something? Did Michael do something? What happened?”

Erin purses her lips, trying to think of what to say. She can’t tell Holtz the truth. She’s still figuring out the truth.

“I don’t know.”

Holtz sighs, no doubt losing her patience with Erin’s attitude. Anyone would get fed up with her horrible attitude. She’s going to send her home probably, she’s been a bitch all day. Holtzmann won’t want her around Michael like this anymore.

“Come here, cupcake.” Holtzmann wraps her arm around Erin’s shoulder, pulling her in for a snuggle on the park bench.

She realizes what they look like, the way Holtz is holding her, and she wants to break away from her but she just doesn’t. Her body sinks deeper into Holtz, relishing in her warmth.

Erin wishes they could stay like this forever.

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.” Holtz says softly, “But I… I’m worried, okay? I want you to be happy, and you really don’t look happy at all.”

Erin closes her eyes. She doesn’t want to face reality yet. The reality that though Holtz is holding her, talking to her, being with her, even though she’s doing all of that, her eyes are tracking Michael’s every move. Holtz is never really with her.

And she won’t ever be.

“I…” Erin is ashamed to tell Holtz how she feels, because it is a shameful way to think.

“You said something in the supermarket, earlier… you asked why I don’t, you know, get cranky because of Michael?” Holtz says, and she sighs deeply, “I do. I get very… lonely, I guess. People judge my every move with him. I barely have any parent-friends because Michael doesn’t make friends with other kids. I… I can’t just let him loose in the park and trust that he’ll come to me when he needs me, I have to watch and hope nothing will him upset him. I worry constantly. I don’t know if he’s happy. I don’t know if he’s lonely, or hungry, or anything. I don’t know, I never know.” She sighs again, “I never know but I constantly wonder if maybe… maybe I’m not giving him what he needs. Maybe there’s someone out there that’s better equipped to take care of him. I try, but what if I’m not enough.”

Erin doesn’t need to look at Holtz to know she has tears in her eyes. She hadn’t thought about all that. About how lonely and scared Holtz must be. Erin never spends more than a night with them and she’s already beyond overwhelmed, Holtz must feel like that all the time.

“I just…” Erin starts, because she has to say something, “I don’t … you two have a system together and I… I know I only spent a few days with him and both of you but I… where do I fit in? Because… I can’t talk to him, I don’t understand him at all and you… you have to pay so much attention to him and I can’t help and I just… I just keep you from paying attention to him… I don’t know why I’m here…”

 “Er…” Holtz tears her eyes away from Michael, “Er-bear… you’re… I’m sorry I made you feel like you don’t belong… you do, I… I love Michael but I lo… I _care_ about you too. I’m so sorry.”

“No, no Holtz, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so… selfish. Of course all your attention goes to Michael, it would be wrong if you didn’t pay him attention.”

Holtz rubs her shoulder, “No, you are absolutely right Erin. You need to have a… a _place_ in this family. It’s just that… with Michael, either you come every weekend or you don’t come at all. And I didn’t want to ask that from you yet, it’s a bit much to do for… you know, a strange kid. He just doesn’t do well with spontaneous visits. That’s why Abby only comes for holidays and birthdays and like, planned Sunday dinners, she’s too busy to come every weekend… I can’t ask you for that kind of commitment Er-bear.”

Erin gets it, she really does. She can’t burst into Holtz’s apartment whenever she likes, and that’s okay. Except maybe it’s not.

“But I don’t visit just for Michael, I visit for you too.”

“Er…” Holtz pauses, “That’s just not… that’s not how it works here. I wish it could be… different. But I… Michael comes first, Erin. And that’s not just when it comes to you. He has priority over me too. That’s just how it has to be.”

“I don’t know how to get used to that.” Erin says honestly.

She’s not looking at Holtz anymore, if she sees her face she might just cry. And she doesn’t want to cry in the middle of a playground.

“Can you… can you give me some more time? So we can create a space for you, with us?” Holtz’s voice shakes, “Please?”

Can she?

It’s not all bad, with Michael. Honestly, it’s been kind of amazing up until today. Erin can’t remember the last time she just sat down in a park. And she has been going to museums alone ever since she was old enough to take the bus on her own.

She’s been eating dinners alone ever since she lived in New York.

And Michael might not be the best kind of company, and Holtz might not prioritize her, but she does her best, doesn’t she? She tries really damn hard for Erin. And that should be enough, right?

“I… I think I can.”

And she can feel Holtzmann sag against her, she didn’t realize how tense the engineer was before.

“We’ll figure it out, okay?” Holtz reassures her softly, “We’re like, the smartest people in New York, we can do anything.”

Erin just nods, turning her body so she can rest more fully against her chest. Holtz doesn’t question it, she just wraps her strong arms around Erin’s waist. But Erin can also feel the shift in her posture, and she knows that Holtz’s attention is back on Michael.

But she’s here, in Jillian’s arms, practically on top of the engineer on a parkbench. It’s kind of okay, maybe, that Holtz isn’t looking at her. It’s not what Erin would describe as a perfect date, but it’s fine. They’re not even dating anyway. Erin has no reason to be jealous.

She looks up from her position to watch Holtzmann watch Michael. Her blue eyes are so focused, but a small smile starts tugging at her lips.

“I can _feel_ you staring Cupcake.”

Erin shrugs, she can’t deny it, and she doesn’t want to either. “You stared at me too this morning.”

“That’s because you’re obnoxiously cute in the morning.” Holtz doesn’t hesitate a second to reply.

“Well…” Erin struggles to find a response, “You’re always cute. So… I can stare all I want. Hah.”

Holtz manages to raise an eyebrow but then she bursts out laughing, “You’re the best, don’t ever change Gilbert.”

Erin chuckles too.

It’s not like she sees in movies, one good talk and every trouble disappears. That’s not how it works, she’s old enough to know that. The weight isn’t off her shoulders, she still feels like a bit of an awful person for feeling the way she does.

But Holtz understands, and they can work on it now. It isn’t better yet, but they’re going to try to make it better and that’s already more than what Erin hoped for.

“You’re… Abby is my best friend…” Holtz still isn’t looking at her, but her words carry all her attention, “But you… you’re my Erin, okay? You belong here with me. With us. And I don’t want you to think that I don’t… that I don’t lov…”

“Miss Jillian! Miss Jillian! Hi!”

Erin nearly screams when a little ball of yelling neon pink knocks into Holtzmann’s legs.

“Olivia, hi sweetie!” Holtz’s face changes to that happy grin she wears around Michael, “Did you grow?”

“Uhu!” The little girl nods with a wide smile, revealing a row of missing teeth.

“Hey sweetie, where’s your mommy?” Holtz  looks around the park for a parent, “You know you’re not supposed to run off without her.”

“She told me I could come say hi to you, miss Jillian.” The girl keeps saying _Jiwian_ and it’s about the cutest thing Erin has ever heard, “She’s still with miss Samantha over there.” Olivia points into the distance.

“Oh… miss Samantha…” Holtz pulls a face, “Well, I’m not going to save her, she left me with that woman for an hour last week.”

“Hi!” the girl turns her megawatt smile on Erin, “I’m Olivia. I’m four and I like dancing.”

“Olivia is my park BFF.” Holtzmann announces with a hint of pride, “This is Erin, she is my…”

“She’s her girlfriend.” A woman suddenly says, “Remember when we talked about being gay?”

Olivia nods, “Miss Jillian is gay. But it’s okay because girls are fun and boys suck.”

“That’s my girl!” Jillian highfives the girl instead of denying what the woman just said, “So smart already.”

“Sooooo, scoot over Jill.” The woman waves at them, “Hi, I’m Helena. I’m Olivia’s mom. You must be Erin. Jillian has told me _everything_ about you. Except that you are dating though, what the heck Jill?”

“Helena…” Jillian tries to interrupt her and Erin is pretty sure she’s blushing just as hard as the engineer is. This is just all kinds of awkward.

But there’s no stopping Helena apparently, she plops down on the bench with them, Olivia finding her place on her mother’s lap immediately.

“You know Erin, you should have heard her after you guys just met. She was all _Oh Helena, I have just met an angel_.” Helena waves her hands around much like Holtz does, putting on a weird voice, “Honestly, I thought I was going to puke. She ranted for an hour about the scientific probability of love at first sight. And then she started about tiny bowties and tweed suits and I know you’re a weird lady Jill, but I really didn’t want to know about your stuffy professor kink.”

“Helena, _please_ stop…” Holtz is definitely blushing harder than Erin is.

“Heck no!” Helena laughs, “I finally have something on you Jill.”

“I will talk to Samantha next time if you shut up right now.”

Helena pretends to think about it but then nods exaggeratedly, “Deal. That woman is going to be the death of me someday soon.”

Erin catches Holtz’s eye, wondering what to do. Jillian just shrugs, because apparently to her, this is normal? Erin doesn’t know, but she is not going to deny that they’re dating again. Last time with doctor Gorin… yeah, she’s not going to say anything.

“Hang on.” Jillian mumbles, Erin doesn’t know whether she’s talking to them or just to herself, but she sees that  Michael is making his way to them, “Hey buddy, everything okay?”

Michael doesn’t say anything but he looks a little unhappy. Erin assumes he’s not the biggest fan of Olivia and Helena.

“Michael?” Holtzmann tries again with her everlasting patience, “Do you need something?”

But Michael doesn’t move, he doesn’t wave his hand like he usually does. He just stands there, not looking at them but still staring. Erin can’t explain it. He just looks weird for some reason.

“We’ve had a long day yesterday and he hasn’t been sleeping great lately.” Holtz says to Helena, “I think there’s some trouble brewing.”

“He’s just tired, put him to bed a little earlier tonight.” Helena responds, because apparently she knows nothing about raising an autistic child, “He’ll be fine tomorrow. Or maybe he’s getting sick? There’s a nasty cold going around at Olivia’s school.”

“I hope not, he’s a nightmare when he’s sick.” Holtzmann mutters. It’s something weird that she does. She’ll adapt her behavior to anything Michael needs, no questions asked. But she doesn’t change her vocabulary. Erin has heard her swear and curse, with Michael right there. And now she’s so casually talking about him, but never ignoring him. Erin thinks that maybe she should judge Holtz for that, that maybe it’s bad parenting. But she doesn’t think it is. It’s refreshing and honest.

Jillian does not keep anything secret from Michael. He’s allowed to know that he’s annoying when he’s sick. And he’s allowed to know that Holtzmann refers to his upsets as meltdowns because that’s just the way it is. And he can know. Because Holtz doesn’t have to be ashamed of feeling that way.

And maybe Erin doesn’t need to be ashamed to be overwhelmed by him. Maybe.

“Bud? Are you hungry?” Holtzmann gets a cookie from her enormous backpack but Michael doesn’t take it, “Are you thirsty?”

Erin knows that the twentieth guess will be uttered with the same amount of care and love as the first, because Holtz truly doesn’t care how many questions she has to ask him. She just wants to know what he needs. And nothing else matters to her.

She didn’t need to guess twenty times though, because the juicebox gets snagged out of her hands as soon as Michael sees it.

“Thirsty it is.” Holtzmann mumbles, “Hold the flaps Michael, I don’t want you to spill it.”

“Mommy I want juice too.”

“You can have some water?” Helena pulls out a bottle from her purse, “We didn’t bring juice sweetie.”

“Oh, it’s fine.” Jillian has another juicebox, because of course she does, “I always pack extra.”

But Michael screams as soon as Jillian tries to hand over the juice. Erin has heard him scream pretty often now, but this scream is still different than the others. He’s angry, his face turning red with frustration.

“Michael, no.” Holtzmann is firm, holding up the juicebox, “We’re giving this to Olivia. You have one, you can’t drink two. You won’t miss it.”

Erin keeps out of it, but her hand rests low on Holtz’s back trying to offer some sort of support. So she won’t be completely useless again.

Michael’s screams only get worse though and Erin can feel Jillian tensing.

“Stop that right now Michael. We’re giving Olivia the juicebox.” Jillian punches the straw through the hole and hands the thing to Olivia, “Here you go sweetie.”

Michael isn’t having it and before any adult can react, he slaps the juicebox out of Olivia’s hands and onto the dirty ground.

“Michael Holtzmann!” Jillian raises her voice, “That is mean behavior. We don’t slap anyone!”

Michael doesn’t even look sorry, he’s still so so angry and it’s frustrating because he doesn’t have any reason to be like this. Erin wonders how Jillian does this for the hundredth time.

Holtzmann snatches Michael’s juice from his hand, “That’s your punishment for being so rude. If you don’t want to give Olivia juice, you’re not getting juice either.”

He screams again when he realizes what his sister just did. He throws his body down onto the ground, kicking and screaming like a toddler would.

“Michael don’t do that!” Jillian is off the bench immediately, trying to pick him back up, “You’ll get yourself dirty. You hate dirt. Stop that.”

But every time she tries to put him back on his feet, Michael flops back down onto the ground, covering himself in dirt.

“This is pointless… Erin, can you carry the backpack? I think we need to get back home.” Jillian frowns deeply, “Helena, I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah, sure. Good luck with… that.” Helena’s face is not something Erin really wants to see again. There’s a hint of worry, but mostly it’s embarrassment for the way people around them are staring. And pity.

And Erin understands embarrassment, she felt awkward too when Michael got fussy in the supermarket, but it’s not fair that Helena claims to be Holtz’s friend and then looks at Michael like this. He doesn’t need pity. He’s a sad case, sure. His life would be much easier if he wasn’t like this, sure. But that doesn’t mean people should feel sorry for him.

Not at all.

He’s one of the luckiest kids alive as far as Erin is considered. He has everything. A sister who loves him so much that she didn’t go to freaking CERN just so she could help him. Love doesn’t get much better than that, does it?

And right now, Jillian is hoisting him up in the air even though he’s screaming bloody murder and she doesn’t sigh once. She doesn’t curse under her breath. She doesn’t shout. She doesn’t get angry. She just picks him up and sets a rather brisk pace back to the apartment.

Erin is right behind them, careful to avoid Michael’s kicking legs.

He screams and flails and screams some more all the way to their home. Erin catches Holtz’s teary eyes multiple times and she tries to offer some comfort. But she can’t reach out to Holtz without Michael kicking her.

She just has to hope that Holtz feels her comfort from the little distance between them.

The apartment is like a sanctuary, finally a place where nobody is looking at them. Michael is still screaming though, Erin doesn’t know where he gets the energy. She’s absolutely exhausted.

Holtz puts him down and drops to her knees, unzipping his jacket in one smooth movement, and tossing it on the ground behind him. “Come on, buddy. Let’s get you out of these dirty clothes.”

Holtz is face to face with Michael now, and he goes from hitting himself to hitting her, slapping her shoulders and face and everything he can reach. Holtz pulls back slightly, but she keeps trying to undress him.

“Stop that Michael, you’re hurting me.” She says calmly and Erin can’t understand why she doesn’t yell at him.

But Holtz perseveres, she takes the kicking when she pulls off his shoes and pants. He bites her when she steers him to the bathroom. But Holtz is calm as always.

Erin feels a bit awkward and a lot useless, so she picks up Michael’s discarded pants and follows Holtz into the bathroom.

The pants get tossed in the hamper and then she just stands there, watching as Holtzmann struggles to get her brother into the tub.

“Michael, stop that please.” has become a mantra for this evening. He keeps trying to throw himself down, but the bathroom isn’t exactly a suitable place for faceplanting.

“Er… could you…” Holtz struggles to keep him up, “Could you grab the showerhead and just rinse him off while I hold him? I’m so sorry… I just…”

Erin nods quickly, “Don’t be sorry. I’ll help. It’s okay.”

She doesn’t know how okay it actually is to rinse off a buttnaked kid without his permission, but if Holtz asks, it should be fine, right?

They must look like quite the picture, Erin thinks when Holtz gets into the tub with Michael, still wearing her leather jacket and heavy combat boots.

Holtz finally has a good grip on her brother so Erin can try and get the little bit of dirt washed off.

When she finally turns the water off, Holtz is completely soaked. But she doesn’t care much, she just goes on with life. And life right now is drying off a squirming wet child.

“Let’s get you dressed Michael.” She picks him up, trying to carry him on her hip. But Michael bites again, into her shoulder. Holtz nearly drops him and Erin thinks she’s lucky that she’s still wearing her jacket. Because that bite looks like it would have broken skin.

“Dammit Michael, that really hurts.” Holtzmann swears, but she still won’t yell. She’s a freaking saint, she has to be.

But her patience is wavering, Erin can see it in her stiff movements and the way she isn’t even trying to fake a smile anymore. She gets Michael dressed quickly.

And then leaves the bedroom, pulling Erin with her. She shuts his door. And locks it.

She rests her head against the door, looking absolutely exhausted, “Could you turn the TV on channel 24, please?”

Erin does, leaving Holtz standing by Michael’s door. Channel 24 turns out to be a feed from a security camera inside Michael’s room.

“You must think I’m crazy.” Holtz mumbles when she finally walks over, “But… the first time I locked him in, he managed to pull a handle of his closet and it hit him in the head. I didn’t realize his screams had changed so… blood everywhere when I opened the door. Not my finest moment. I don’t spy on him… it’s just for safety.”

Through the closed door, Michael’s screaming is most present background noise ever. But if Holtz can ignore it, so can Erin. The TV tells them he’s on the floor again, banging fists and feet as hard as he can.

Jillian sits down onto the couch, patting the spot next to her for Erin to sit down.

“I have to lock the door.” Jillian says, “I… it’s safer. Now he can’t get out without me noticing and… and I can’t get in either. I slapped him once. He was being so… it had been going on for a week, day and night. I couldn’t… I talked with his shrink after and he said to just lock the door. It’s an extra step I have to take before… you know.”

“You’d never hurt him.” Erin is certain.

Jillian chuckles darkly, “Really? Because right now I feel like chucking him out of the window.”

Erin doesn’t know how to reply to that so she does the only thing she can think of. She wraps her arm around Holtzmann and pulls her closer. It’s the exact opposite from how they sat on the bench.

Jillian buries her face into Erin’s neck. Not a second passes before Erin can feel the wet, hot splashes of tears on her skin.

Erin is pretty sure that Holtz never gets to do this. She never has anyone to talk to. She doesn’t say anything. There’s nothing to say.

She just lets Holtzmann cry.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DID IT! Please don't hate me, I know this kind of sucks but this chapter had me a little stumped. The next ones will be better, promise :)

 

 

Erin doesn’t sleep that night. And Holtzmann tosses and turns all night, she’s awake too.

But they don’t speak.

Erin doesn’t know what to say. I’m sorry your baby brother is abusive? I’m sorry nobody realized you had to do everything all alone?

And what would Holtz say? _It’s okay_? It’s not. It’s not okay and Erin doesn’t know how things can be okay again.

She doesn’t get this. This harsh cold reality of how unconditional love can really be unconditional. Erin doesn’t think she’ll ever look at Michael the same way again, and she fully realizes he can’t help his reactions. It’s still chilling to think about him attacking his sister like that.

Jillian had unlocked his door when she was all cried out and he’d stopped screaming and Michael had dinner with them like nothing happened. And Jillian might have been a little quieter than usual, but she smiled at him just as wide as before. The only thing that was really different was a scratch across Holtz’s dimple from one of Michael’s slaps.

An accident, Jillian said. He can’t help it, Jillian said. But Erin can’t think like that, she can’t just forget like Holtz does.

So she doesn’t say anything. She just lies there on the bed that was so so comfortable yesterday and listens to Holtz moving around. Michael doesn’t visit them. Maybe he really is still exhausted from the museum. Maybe he feels guilty. Erin isn’t sure how much he can actually feel.

Sunlight is starting to filter through Holtzmann’s thick curtains, just the tiniest streak. Erin doesn’t feel ready to face the day. Her limbs are heavy and her heart is even heavier. She wishes she could just close her eyes and disappear to another world.

“I think I know why you’re so down.” Holtzmann scares her. After a night of silence, it’s like Erin forgot what sound is like.

“Huh?” Her own voice croaks, loaded with fatigue.

“Yesterday, you felt like crap.” Holtz doesn’t sugarcoat anything, “You had a panic attack on Wednesday. And you didn’t take care of yourself after.”

“Of course I did.” Erin argues. She did. She went home early, she had a bath, a glass of wine. She went to bed early even if she didn’t sleep well. She took care of herself. If there is one thing she has learned in her entire life, it’s dealing with her anxiety on her own.

“No you didn’t. You said you didn’t sleep well. And then Thursday you were worried about Abby and Patty pitying you. And then you slept bad again. And then you went to the museum with us.” Holtz takes a deep breath, “And you’re still exhausted because you didn’t take care of yourself so yesterday you panicked again, a little bit. And Michael was being shitty too and that made everything just worse. Right? You were anxious, right?”

Erin is silent. She can think of a thousand responses, but she thinks about Holtz’s words instead. It’s actually not that crazy.

“Maybe.”

Holtzmann rolls over on top of  her. It should freak Erin out, and it definitely does make her heart stutter, but the added weight is actually kind of comforting.

“Let me take care of you today.”

Erin shakes her head, “You have to take care of Michael. I’ll just go home and rest a bit.”

“Er,” Holtz’s hand brushes her cheek and those blue eyes make Erin forget how to breathe for a second, “Let me take care of you? I really want to.”

“But what about you?” Erin does not go down without a fight, “You were really upset yesterday.”

“That was yesterday. I’m over it. Shit happens with Michael, I’m kind of used to it by now. Besides,” Jillian can’t quite meet her eyes, “you really helped me. I… yeah… You were there and I really _really_ appreciate it.”

“I didn’t do anything…”

“Erin…” Is Holtz seriously getting tears in her eyes? Erin can clearly see her tearing up. She’s so close, it’s hard to miss.

“Don’t cry Jill.”

“I’m not…” Jillian mutters, but the tear falling down onto Erin’s own face tells a different story.

“Are you sad?”

Holtz shakes her head, “No… I feel… I feel good actually.” She closes her eyes as if she’s savoring the feeling, “Just kind of overwhelmed.”

“By what?”

“You.”

Erin can feel her breath slowly leave her body. Here’s Holtzmann, on top of her with that damn soft hand brushing her cheek, looking at her like there is nobody else in this world. And Erin isn’t sure how or when it happened but her own arms are wrapped around Jillian, stroking her back and she’s so ridiculously soft even through her T-shirt. All soft and warm and cuddly. It’s the stuff dreams are made of.

“I should go and make breakfast.” Holtz doesn’t move, instead she keeps staring at Erin, “I really should make breakfast…”

“I’m not stopping you.” Erin doesn’t know why she says that, she doesn’t want to Holtz to leave her.

Holtzmann’s grin catches her a little of guard, it’s wide and unashamed and so different from the teary look she had just seconds ago, “Yeah you are.”

 “I’m not even moving!” Erin protests, Holtzmann’s grin is infectious, it lights up the entire bedroom.

“You’re too soft. I don’t want to move away from you.”

If there ever is a time that the earth stops spinning, this must be it, Erin thinks. This must be it, because the air in her lungs stops moving, her heart shoots through her chest like it did that time she was in college and she drank 3 of those greenish offbrand energy drinks and she thought she was dying.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable…” Jillian mumbles, “But this… this is _really_ nice.”

“I’m not uncomfortable Jill.” She’s the exact opposite of uncomfortable.

Holtz sighs loudly, her face disappears into the crook of Erin’s neck and Erin can feel her breath and she’s never thought that inhaling and exhaling _air_ could be considered sexy, but when Holtz does it…

“Breakfast. Now.” Jillian pulls away with brusque movements, “Because… reasons.”

Erin chuckles, it isn’t often that she gets to see Holtz like this. A little flustered, a little unsure. She knows what she’s seeing, she knows why Holtz is like this. Her head knows, but her heart can’t just quite catch up yet.

It’s fine though. They both need more time to find a space in each other’s lives. They need more time to figure out how they as a _they_ could possibly fit in Michael’s world. It’s scary. But necessary.

“What are we having?” Erin asks, hoisting her own tired body out of bed. She’d almost forgotten that she didn’t sleep at all, but the creaking of her joints and the yawn that follows her question, reminds her.

“Waffles, fresh fruit and chocolate milk because it’s Sunday.” Holtz smiles, “But you’re not helping me today, I want your sexy ass on the couch. You’re taking it easy.”

“Holtzmann…”

“I don’t want to hear it!” Holtz puts her hands up to stop Erin’s protests, “If you had the flu, you’d take it easy for a few days too. Same rules apply to mental illness Er-bear.”

“Fine.” Erin huffs and pouts but Holtzmann just smiles like always and pulls Erin to the living room.

“Sit.” She pushes her onto the couch, “I’ll yell when the waffles are done. If Michael wakes up… he… well, you saw yesterday, it’s like he’s forgotten that he broke down like that. He doesn’t really get consequences? I don’t know, he doesn’t hang on to the past like that. So just… don’t blame him, okay? He won’t understand why we would still be angry, because it’s done? It doesn’t make sense to us, but, you know, we don’t really make sense to him either so…”

 _Let it go_ , Erin thinks. But in the light of the living room she can see the scratch on Holtz’s face and the tiniest hint of a bruise peeks out from her collar where Michael bit her last night. She has to let it go though.

She knows he can’t help it, that he never meant to hurt Jillian. She knows it’s just poor impulse control. He has a disability, it’s not his fault.  She wouldn’t ask a blind guy to read a book either, so why is it so much different with Michael?

Why can’t she just accept and move on like Holtzmann does?

“Hey, Erin?” Holtzmann’s hand squeezes her knee, “I know it’s not easy, sometimes I want to yell at him too. It’s part accepting that he can’t help it, and part of it is just… just giving up. I know it sounds all very fucked up, but that’s just how it works here.”

Erin nods, “It’s… It’s all so… It feels wrong? He didn’t even say sorry and we just move on? It’s like against everything I know about kids, you know? I know kids will slap you and all that, but then you make them apologize. But Michael can… It feels like he gets away with it, you know?”

“Yeah…” Holtz nods, “I still struggle with this one actually. But that’s just how it is. He’s not upset anymore, so for him, it’s over and done with. He doesn’t get our feelings, he doesn’t have that empathy. So if he doesn’t know I feel bad, he won’t feel guilty. He just doesn’t get that I’m upset with him.”

Erin listens and thinks. Because that’s what she has to do when it comes to Michael. She knows nothing about his disability. She only knows the science behind it and even that is limited. Biology and psychology never really interested her.

She still doesn’t really like it. She gets what Holtz is saying and it makes sort of sense, in a Michael kind of way. But she doesn’t like it.

“It’s not about us.” Holtz seems to read her mind, “That’s the entire point. What we feel, it doesn’t really matter. Not for him. He doesn’t understand.”

Erin tries to let it sink in. She can live with the fact that it’s not about her, because this isn’t her life. She will go home eventually, do her own thing. And she’ll barely think about Michael at all.

It’s harder to accept that it isn’t about Holtz though. Because this is her home, her everything. This family is the reason she cooks and does laundry and just does life. But it’s never about her or for her. Erin can’t imagine how lonely she really must be. She saw a little glimpse of it last night, but the circumstances were kind of exceptional.

Anyone would have broken down.

“I’m making breakfast, okay? Yell if you need me.” Holtz kisses her cheek softly, so softly. Erin had forgotten just how soft Jillian’s lips are, and god, it should be illegal for anyone to be so soft.

Erin nods dumbly after Holtz has already left the room because that’s just the kind of thing Jillian does to her, she makes her brain melt out of her ear. Erin doesn’t understand how someone can be so beautiful, inside and out.

It should be impossible.

But Jillian has already taught her that nothing is impossible. Jillian can do anything.

And she will look goddamn _gorgeous_ doing it. As she always does.

Erin isn’t too sure on where she stands with Holtz, and it does make her tummy swirl nervously. But it’s alright. Because she still doesn’t really know where she _wants_ to stand with Holtz.

Jillian is beautiful and smart and funny and amazing in every single way. Just one of her smiles can make Erin feel more than an entire conversation with anyone else.

But there’s Michael, and Erin doesn’t like to admit it because she doesn’t want to be that kind of person, but Michael really does complicate things.

In big ways, like his tantrums. But also in the little things.

If Erin ever finds the courage to ask Jillian out, how will they make it work? How can she take her on a date? They can’t take Michael with them because he would hate it, but they can’t leave him alone either.

And dating someone without going on actual dates… Erin just doesn’t know how that will ever work.

And how will Michael react if Holtz would ever kiss her? The thought makes her heart jump and flutter and dance around in her chest, because a kiss from Holtzmann is something she’s dreamed about for a while now. And Michael’s reaction to it is something she has had nightmares about.

Jillian has always been his, it’s always been the two of them against the world. Can he share her? Will he understand that he’ll have to share her?

There’s a lot of things to consider and Erin has done nothing but consider the pros and the cons of dating Jillian Holtzmann. She may or may not have a little list under her pillow.

And Michael is a con.

Not really though. He’s a pro and a con. He’s a pro because one of his rare smiles makes Erin’s day. And she’ll never forget how he gave her that dinosaur in the museum to cheer her up. He’s amazing like that.

Erin thinks that, given enough time to get used to his schedule, she’ll definitely love him for everything that he is. She knows she can.

But it’s hard. He’s not her brother, he’s not hers in any way. So where does that put her? If he hits Holtz, can she tell him off? If he falls down, is she allowed to bandage his knee with a smile and a kiss? Will Holtz want her to do that?

Will Michael let her do that?

He’s more a pro than a con. Of course he is. He’s not even really a con. Not at all. He’s… an uncertainty. He makes her nervous and scared and Erin already has enough nerves and scares without Michael adding on. She’s not sure she has what it takes to take care of him. She’s not like Holtzmann.

She’s no mom.

She hugs her knees to her chest, folding in on herself on Holtzmann’s couch. Her feelings are threatening to overwhelm her like a tsunami. She can see it coming, knows the damage it will do, but there’s no way to escape it.

Just the thought of panicking again makes her even more nervous and anxious, a vicious cycle that Erin knows all too well.

“Docdoc?”

She didn’t even hear Michael wake up, but he’s standing in front of her with what Erin thinks is concern on his face. Or maybe she’s just imagining that. Can he feel concern? Does he even know what that is?

He looks nothing like the angry child he was yesterday. No screaming until his face turns red, no flailing or kicking. Just regular old Michael.

Like nothing ever happened.

“Docdoc.”

Erin doesn’t know what he needs. He doesn’t talk enough for her to know. His voice is flat and doesn’t give anything away. It’s impossible to know what he wants from her.

“Jillian is in the kitchen.” She tells him. She doesn’t mean to dismiss him like that, to send him off like a dog that’s in her way. She just doesn’t know what else to do with him.

Erin expects him to leave her alone. Of course Michael prefers Jillian’s company. She wouldn’t be insulted or sad. Maybe she would have even been a little relieved if he left her.

But Michael doesn’t. Because he’s unpredictable as well as unapproachable. He holds out his soft and cuddly dinosaur for her. It was a gift from Abby, Holtz said, Abby likes buying him things that won’t hurt anyone when he inevitably throws them at their heads.

Michael is holding out his dinosaur for her, like he did in the museum. He can see that she is upset. He’s a good boy, sometimes.

“No thank you Michael.” Erin likes the gesture, she really does. It’s touching and sweet and everything. But she just can’t look at him the same way, not after last night. She doesn’t know what to think about him. He’s just a little boy and nobody got seriously hurt but he won’t stay little forever, will he?

One day he’ll be a man, and his slaps will turn into punches and what is Holtz going to do then?

“Docdoc?” He’s arm is still stretched out, the dinosaur in her face.

She doesn’t know what to tell him, how she can make him understand that she doesn’t know how to be around him.

“I’m… I don’t feel very well today Michael.” She says, hoping he’ll understand, “Jillian is making you breakfast. Go eat sweetie.”

He looks at her, a little unsure. Maybe he doesn’t understand, he might need more of an explanation. Erin doesn’t know what to tell him.

Maybe the truth will do…

“Come sit down with me then, I’ll explain.” She pats the couch next to her, but of course Michael doesn’t move. What was she even thinking.

“Fine, stay there then.” Erin doesn’t mean to sound so tired, but she’s just completely exhausted, “I’m… I have anxiety. It’s… uh… it’s a sickness. In my head.”

It’s hard to explain to a child, Erin hadn’t really thought of that. On top of that, she doesn’t really know where Michael stands… intellectually. She’s already noticed that he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but she doesn’t know if that is because he doesn’t talk or because of the autism or just because he isn’t a genius like his sister.

So when she gets his inevitable blank stare, Erin sighs deeply. It’s not that easy explaining something so complex to a child.

“It’s like… it’s like a little voice in my head. And it’s… it’s a mean voice.” Erin tries, “Like, with everything I do, this voice tells me I’m not doing it right. It tells me that I’m always wrong and bad. And I can’t ignore it.”

Michael keeps staring at her. For a second, Erin regrets starting this conversation. It’s so hard talking to someone who doesn’t talk back.

But she started, so she has to finish.

“It makes me nervous and scared. I’m always scared that I’m doing something wrong. I _feel_ like I’m always doing something wrong. And I get sad, like I am now.” Erin sighs, “I’m really sad right now.”

She doesn’t know what else to tell him. Of course her anxiety runs deeper than that, it’s more complicated, it’s based on her childhood traumas. But she doesn’t want to unload too much information onto the boy. She just hopes he can understand it like this.

Michael stares at her, like he’s trying to process what he just heard. Erin lets him, waiting respectfully. He’s just a kid, of course he needs time to understand. Still, there’s something in her mind saying that maybe she didn’t do this right, she went too far, she had no right to unleash this on him.

Michael turns on his heel, leaving her alone on the couch. Yeah, she definitely fucked this up. Erin sighs, preparing mentally to go tell Holtzmann how badly she fucked up this time.

Holtz is going to kick her out after this stunt. She probably caused Michael some sort of trauma. This is irreparable damage, for sure.

Erin tries her best not to cry, she really does. But one treacherous tear sneaks down her cheek, and another follows its path immediately.

She’s so weak.

“Docdoc?”

Erin didn’t expect Michael to come back to her.

“Go to the kitchen baby.” Erin sniffles pathetically. She doesn’t want to see the damage she’s done.

“Docdoc.” He repeats, his impatience trumping her sadness as he smacks something hard against Erin’s head.

“Ow! Michael that’s not sweet.” She looks up to see him frown as if he’s not sure what to feel.

“Docdoc.” He says it again, waving a little book at her, it must be what he used to knock her with.

“What do you have there?” She takes it gently from him, a little surprised, “ _Spaghetti is not a finger food_? What is this Michael?”

She turns the book over, green and obviously made for little kids.

“Is this… it’s a book about autism?” Erin quickly scans the book, “Michael… Do you…”

She doesn’t know what to say. He took her words, thought about it, and then decided that her anxiety must be like his autism? Or he wanted to share something because she did? She doesn’t know why he’s doing this, but it doesn’t matter.

Because he did it to be sweet. He did this to make her feel better.

And Erin didn’t even realize until now that Michael even knows that he is a little different.

“This is really…” Erin smiles despite her mood, she’s completely speechless, “Michael, you are an amazing kid. You really are. Thank you.”

She doesn’t know this feeling in her chest. It’s a sort of pride and love mixed with worry and sadness. A part of Erin selfishly wishes he hadn’t just done that. That he hadn’t realized that Erin was talking about mental illness, and that he hadn’t realized that he can relate to it.

Erin wishes that he didn’t know how different he is.

Blissful ignorance. She hoped he had that. She wished so desperately for him that he had that.

But he doesn’t.

And now Erin doesn’t know what to say. It’s all so… sad.

How… does he know? Does he really know every little thing that’s not normal about him? Does he see it? Does he struggle?

Does he see other children run around and laugh and yell? And does he feel the temptation to be like them, only to be confronted by his own limitations, again and again.

Does he see people hug, does he understand how comforting and warm and loving an embrace should be? Does he want that warmth? Only to feel bitter cold when he tries to connect to the people that love him?

Is he happy?

“Waffles are… done? Erin?” Holtzmann is on knees in front of her in a second, hands on Erin’s thighs, “Why are you crying cupcake? What happened?”

It’s not crying. Erin is downright sobbing, the last straw, the last drop. She’s breaking, tears and snot run down her face. It’s ugly. It’s desperate.

“Michael, what did you do boy?” Holtz wraps her warm arms around her, pulling her face into the crook of her neck, “Did you hit docdoc, buddy?”

Erin can’t imagine what’s going through Michael right now. He tried so hard to be nice. He did more than his best to make her happy and yet Erin can’t stop the tears from falling down.

“N-no.” She manages between sobs, “He-e is per-fect.”

“Uhm…” Erin doesn’t need to see Holtz to feel her confusion, “Okay? Erin, my love, tell me what’s happening baby?”

Erin shakes her head, still hiding her face from the world. Maybe she can shake her breakdown off.

“He…” Erin has to take a deep breath to steady herself, her fingers turning white around the little book she’s still clutching, “He knows Holtz. He knows he’s… _different_.”

Holtzmann falters. For a second, Erin thinks that maybe she has no idea what she’s talking about, but then she turns to her baby brother.

“Michael-boy, your waffles are in the kitchen. Go eat honey. We’ll be right there.”

Michael hesitates, all kinds of hurt and confused, but he leaves them after a few more encouraging words from Holtzmann.

“Erin…” Holtz says when Michael is gone, “Is this about his autism? Of course he knows, baby. I tell him all the time. It’s his disability. He has to know. It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t tell him, he has to know why he can’t do the same things as other kids.”

Holtz takes the book from her, “This… I shouldn’t have bought this. It’s about aspergers, which he obviously doesn’t have.”

“What does he have then?” Erin sadness turns to slight frustration, as it often does. It’s easier to blame someone else for her wonky emotions.

It’s been a hard few days. Who can even blame her?

“You never tell me anything Jill.”

Holtzmann smiles, like she can’t feel the bite in Erin’s voice, “I don’t like to focus on the things he can’t do. I prefer to look at what he can do.”

Damn Holtz and her stupid logical, calm thinking.

“But you’re right.” Holtz admits, “We’ll talk about it. I’ll tell you everything. You deserve to know Er-bear. Let’s have breakfast first though, and then we’ll talk. I promise.”

It’s so simple.

It’s so damned simple.

Erin spoke up, voiced her frustration. And Holtz is going to do something about it. Holtz is going to adjust.

Just like that.

Because Erin asked.

The simplicity of it all almost frustrates Erin even more, because if she had just said something earlier, this could have been avoided. Because Holtzmann is unreasonably reasonable.

“Come on Cupcake,” Holtzmann tugs on her hands, “You’re thinking too much. We need to go eat.”

“But Jillian…” she stops. She doesn’t know what she was going to say. There’s nothing to say. Jillian fixed it. She fixes everything.

“Erin… you promised me more time. You said you would give us time to fit you into our lives.” Jillian says very seriously, “The least I can do is tell you what you’re actually signing up for. Okay? I’ll tell you. But not right now because I don’t like to leave Michael alone in the kitchen for too long. He’s not… he’s not the brightest crayon in the box. I don’t want him to hurt himself.”

“Yeah…”

Holtz is always so supportive and amazing. Not for the first time, Erin feels more like another burden on Jillian’s already long list.

“Maybe I should go.”

Holtz sighs, “If that’s what you want… I’m not going to force you to stick around. But… I want you here Erin. I want you.”

“But I don’t know how to do this!” Tears are streaming down her face again, “I don’t know anything!”

“But I want to teach you!” Holtz raises her voice, shocking Erin, “Dammit! How many times do I have to tell you Erin! I want you here! I want you here and I know you have no idea what to do or say! But I don’t care! Because you’ll learn! You think that kid comes with an instruction manual?! Huh? Of course he doesn’t! I had to learn everything too! But that’s what you do when you’re responsible for him! And I’m telling you that I’m going to be fucking here for you! Just let me be here for you!”

“Why?!” Erin can’t help it, she raises her voice too. She just doesn’t understand Holtz, “Why do you want me here?”

Holtz sighs, “You know why, Erin. You know it fucking well enough. The real question is, why do you want to be here?”

Jillian turns her back on her, “I’m going to eat. Join us if you want.” She pauses, “But I really want you to join us.”

She leaves Erin on the couch, and Erin can’t describe just how bad that stings. She doesn’t what she expected. But Holtz leaving really wasn’t on her mind. She never thought… it just didn’t seem like a possibility.

Holtz just seems so unflappable. She rolls with the punches. She doesn’t walk away. That’s not her Holtz.

But apparently it is.

Because Michael is in the kitchen and she needs to be with him. Not with Erin. With Michael. He’s number one, by far her top priority. Always. No matter what.

Erin doesn’t really know what to do with herself. So she goes the easy route, as always. She does what Jillian asks and follows her into the kitchen.

Jillian smiles when she sees her. The frustrations and raised voices are gone.

“Sit next to me.” Jillian says when Erin wants to take her usual seat across from the blonde, “Please?”

And Erin does because she can’t refuse Jillian anything. She doesn’t want to.

Holtz’s arm is around her shoulders as soon as she sits down. It’s a little bit of a trip for Erin. Wasn’t Holtz upset with her?

But Jill plants a slightly gross, sticky, syrupy kiss on Erin’s cheek.

“I’m sorry Cupcake.” She whispers, “You know you’ll always be my number two fave. Always.”

 

* * *

 

They don’t talk. They watch cartoons and play a board game and plan Michael’s outfits for the coming week. And that’s just fine because Erin doesn’t feel like she can get through another conversation without breaking down completely. And Holtz seems just as fragile.

She’d forgotten that Holtz didn’t sleep either the night before.

They don’t talk. Not until late Sunday night, long after Michael went to bed, long after they should have gone to bed.

Holtz is on her back, staring at the bedroom ceiling like she can discover the secrets of the universe in the white plaster. Erin snuggled up to her, only after Jillian asked though. Her head is on the blonde’s heart and the rhythmic beating soothes her frayed nerves.

“He’s dumb as a rock.” Jillian breaks their silence.

“What?”

“Michael.” Jillian says, “He’s dumb. Really, really dumb. Low functioning autism.”

It’s weird. Jillian never has anything bad to say about him, usually. Not even when he’s being completely awful.

“I have him tested every year.” She clarifies, “He has the vocabulary of a toddler, barely that even. He can’t make sentences. We… the doctors and stuff, we’re not sure if it’s because he _can’t_ or because he doesn’t want to. I’m pretty sure he just can’t do it.”

“Oh.” Erin has no idea what to say.

“He doesn’t really have an emotional intelligence either. Right now, he’s about as smart as an average four year old. So… I hope it’ll go up a little bit, but I’m not too confident.” Holtz’s voice is weirding Erin out. She’s talking about her brother like she’s reading her the news, “He hates bright colors, but he hates the glasses that cancel those out even more.”

“He has glasses?” Erin has never seen his glasses.

“No. I do, I wear the yellow glasses so that maybe he’ll get used to seeing them. Maybe he’ll want to wear his if he’s more comfortable with them.”

Erin frowns, “You don’t have to wear glasses?”

“Nope.”

“But you wear them for him?”

“Yeah. And also, they’re pretty neat. They’re awesome for welding stuff.” Erin can feel Holtz shrugging her shoulders underneath her.

“You…” Erin doesn’t know what to say to that.

“I love him.” Holtz says simply, “Of all the adjustments I make for him, the glasses are the easiest part.”

“You love him.” Erin repeats.

“So much.” There’s a pause, “And you too.”

“You love me… How…” She breathes deeply, “How do you say it like that? You make it sound so easy.”

Holtz’s arms squeeze around her waist, pulling her closer, “That’s because you’re pretty easy to love Erin.”

“I’m not.”

 “Yeah you are.” Holtz disagrees, “You’re the most loveable Cupcake out of all the cupcakes ever. And I’m including rainbow cake by the way. You’re more loveable than rainbow cake.”

“You hate rainbow cake Holtz.” Erin remembers the little incident when Patty made a rainbow cake just for the hell of it and Holtz had crinkled her nose adorably hard and said she actually doesn’t eat cake, ever.

“It’s still beautiful though.”

And Erin blushes so hard that for a second she thinks she might just stay red forever.

“Shut up.” She mumbles through her embarrassment and Holtz laughs and it sounds like pure joy and Erin feels happy. Really genuinely happy.

“What are we doing Holtz?” it’s the million dollar question. What are they doing? Why are they doing this. How are they going to do? Is it worth it?

“We’re going with the flow.” Holtz responds. It’s not an answer. But Erin thinks  that this might be the one question that Holtz really can’t answer.

“We’re going with the flow. And we’re going to be just fine. The three of us.”

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooooo sorry, that took waaaay too long :-/ I'll try to update sooner next time

 

 

Monday comes too fast. Erin is still asleep when Holtz’s alarm _blares_ right next to her. And if that awakening isn’t rude enough yet, Holtzmann herself jumps out of bed like a jack-in-the-box, nearly tossing Erin on the ground.

Safe to say, Erin has known better Monday mornings.

“Morning Er-bear. Shower time for _moi_.” Holtz announces way too loud and cheerful, “You can sleep a bit longer though. It’s only 5 AM.”

“It’s what?!” Erin veers up. She’s all for bright and early, and rise and shine kind of crap, but 5?

Just _no._

“Just kidding.” Holtz bites her lip and her forehead crinkles, “It’s 5.30 actually.”

Erin lets herself fall back dramatically on the bed with a loud grunt. _5 freaking 30._ Ungodly. She pulls the covers over her head like a disgruntled preteen. Because it feels like the only appropriate response to 5.30 in the morning.

“Funny,” Holtz comments from outside her cocoon, “I always thought you’d be a morning person.”

“I am.” Erin huffs, “Not a _night_ person.”

Holtzmann is laughing. Loudly.

“C’mon Beary-Boo,” She tugs the covers away from Erin’s face, “Don’t be grumpy.”

Erin just grunts in response. The early hour disturbs her usual eloquence so much, she doesn’t even bother to search for words to express her annoyance.

Holtz hovers over her with the sweetest smile, “Go back to sleep darling, I’ll wake you up when I’m done.”

She kisses the top of Erin’s head and then, mercifully, covers her reddening face with the sheets again.

“Sleep tight Erin.” she whispers softly, and Erin relaxes instantly as if her soft words are a command.

 

* * *

 

She’s sorting through her bag, because _of course_ she brought extra outfits on Friday. She wouldn’t be herself if she wasn’t overprepared for _everything_.

“Bear, we don’t need to be at the firehouse until 9!” She tries again, “Sit down, have breakfast. You’re stressing me out.”

“But Jillian…”

“No buts.” Holtz wraps around her, steering her into the kitchen, “We’ll have time enough to get dressed after breakie. Now please, calm down, I’m going to wake Michael.”

Erin sighs, leaning back into her seat to try and fool herself and maybe the others too that she’s relaxed.

She still needs to shower, get dressed, they have _a child_ who still needs to wake up, they have to get him ready and drop him off at school and then cross basically the entire city to get to the firehouse. It doesn’t even seem possible to Erin. Even knowing that Holtzmann does this basically every day doesn’t sooth Erin’s fragile nerves.

And when Holtz comes back, squirming Michael perched on her hips, she looks as relaxed as ever and Erin pouts. Because why can’t she do that? Why can’t she just trust herself to be alright, to be on time? Why can’t she have faith that things will turn out the way she wants them to?

She wishes she could be more like Holtz.

“Say: Good morning Docdoc.” Holtz says for Michael, but he doesn’t repeat it. He does nearly smack Jillian in the face in his battle to get back on the ground.

“Good morning Michael, did you sleep well?” Erin gives back. It doesn’t matter that it’s useless, that he doesn’t respond because Holtz smiles at her and honestly, they can’t always be silent just because he doesn’t answer. Erin knows that he always listens. And maybe that’s enough right now.

Holtzmann sits him down, the ugliest striped bowl Erin ever saw in front of him.

“Don’t look at it like that.” Holtzmann laughs, “It’s part of the system Er! You really think I would get something _this_ ugly??”

Erin doesn’t dare respond to that question, because _yes_ , Holtzmann is exactly the type of person to buy something that ugly.

Holtzmann laughs even harder, because she’s an absolute joy to be around in the morning.

She holds the striped monstrosity up to show and tell, “I use the stripes for measuring, you fill it with cereal from the blue up to the orange line. And then milk from orange to purple. Easy.”

“That’s… that _is_ easy.”

“That’s what she said.” Holtz jokes.

Erin blinks… “That doesn’t make any sense?”

There’s a ridiculous glint in Jillian’s eyes, “That’s what she said too.”

“Who’s _she_?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“She.”

Erin cocks her head, “ _What?”_

“Who?” Holtz echoes with a grin like they’re playing a game.

“It’s too early for this.” Erin decides and Holtz laughs again. She laughs so much in the mornings and it’s beautiful. She’s beautiful.

“Want coffee?” She asks, turning slightly more serious. Holtz hasn’t sit down yet, she’s dashing all over the place with cereal and milk and apple juice and now with mugs ready to make coffee.

But a morning isn’t morning without coffee and Holtz seems happy, so Erin nods because she needs the caffeine. She can’t hop about like Holtz, not even when she’s head 7 coffees. But _without coffee_ … Erin isn’t even going to try that.

The world just isn’t ready for that monster to come out.

Michael covers his ears when Holtz turns the machine on. Erin wishes she could comfort him, but nothing actually can make him more comfortable so she just lets him be. It’s sad, he’s never comfortable. She kind of understands that feeling, but she imagines it must be a thousand times worse for him.

“It’s done, it’s done. We’re all fine, nothing bad happened.” Holtz announces, “Eat your cereal now buddy, it’s a schoolday. You don’t want to be late, do you?”

He doesn’t respond, but Erin thinks she can see the slightest change in his expression as he goes back to eating his cereal.

“Your coffee, doctor Gilbert.” Jillian announces with too much flair and energy for a Monday morning, but it gives Erin the warm fuzzies anyways.

“Thanks Holtzy.” She wraps her hands around the mug, reveling in the almost searing warmth of the porcelain. She’s always had cold hands and feet, something Holtz complained about just last night when her foot accidentally brushed the back of Jillian’s bare legs. It was an accident!

The first time… but the following shriek from Holtzmann made it hard to resist the temptation of doing it again, and again, and again.

“So what are you working on today Bear?” Holtz mutters through a mouthful of cereal and Erin _shudders_ when she sees the milk that had just been inside Jillian’s mouth flying over the table towards her.

“Jill! Don’t talk with your mouth full! That’s… not very ladylike!”

But instead of scowling or pouting like she usually does when someone scolds her, Jillian just snickers, shoveling another spoon in her already full mouth, dripping milk and half-chewed cereal all over the table.

“Ladylike?  Seriously, Er?”

“Well…”Okay, so maybe that wasn’t her smartest remark to date, but the shock of Holtzmann’s eating habits just never wears off for Erin. She once saw her use a can of Monster as dip for her Pringles.

Sometimes Erin even wonders how she kept Michael alive for so long.

Holtzmann chews loudly and _very_ visibly before swallowing the cereal mush with a lot of fanfare.

“Happy, my lady?”

“Perfect.” If she could, she would have rolled her eyes at Holtz.

Holtz smirks too widely and it’s almost annoying but it’s mostly just very cute, “Look at us bickering like a real family.”

“Fam.” Michael suddenly pipes up, with his mouth perfectly empty and no milk dribbles on his chin, unlike his adult namesake.

“Yeah that’s right buddy.” Holtzmann beams, “Family.”

 

* * *

 

They’re early. Erin doesn’t know how Holtzmann did it, but they’ve dropped Michael off with ease and now they’re at the firehouse and they’re _early_.

Patty waves from the back when they enter, nosedeep into some old thick book, but Abby looks up. And she smirks.

She doesn’t say anything, she just smirks.

“Morning Abster, Pattycakes.” Holtz does that weird salute she always does, “If you beautiful ladies need me, I’ll be in my lair.”

Erin watches her dash up the stairs, wondering how come she never trips over her unlaced boots. Unlaced boots that she didn’t actually unlace until Michael was safe and sound at school, weirdly enough.

“So…” Abby begins and Erin instinctively closes her eyes for the onslaught of teasing that she knows is coming her way, “Did you have a good weekend?”

Erin nods, maybe she can get off easy, “Yeah, it was pretty okay.”

“Oh was it now? What did you do? All by yourself?” Abby continues with a wide grin, because she knows.

She scuffs her foot on the ground, because for some reason she doesn’t want to share this with her best friend. Or she wants to, but she doesn’t want to at the same time. Because it’s so undefined that it really isn’t even an _it_ yet.

It’s not even undefined, it’s nonexistent. There’s nothing going on between her and Holtz, and yet it feels like so much is going on and she doesn’t want the world to know yet because it’s so huge and so private.

“Erin?” Erin meets Abby’s eyes again, and maybe they look a little concerned now.

“I was with Holtz.” Erin admits shyly.

“I KNEW IT!” Abby bursts out loudly, “I knew it! The _entire_ weekend? Erin! You _tramp_!”

“It’s not like that!”

“Oh please Erin,” She waves her mad blushing off, still wearing that stupid smirk like she knows everything, “You’re an adult, do what you want. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Abby it’s not like that.” She tries again but Abby is just as hardheaded as she is and once the woman gets going, there’s no stopping her.

“So how was it?” Abby wiggles her eyebrows much like Holtz would do, but when Holtz does it, it’s cute and adorable and a little sexy. When Abby does it, it’s lecherous and almost invasive.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Abby’s face falls, “Come on Erin, you gotta give me something. I mean, I missed out on so much of your life already, don’t leave me out again.”

Erin’s blood suddenly runs cold. Abby’s right. How can she be so selfish?

“Abigail!” Holtz nearly jumps down the stairs, “Don’t you dare! We talked about this!”

Abby bites her lip with a worried frown and Holtz seems angry? What did they talk about?

“Come on Holtzmann, I was just teasing…”

“No you weren’t! You’re trying to guilt Erin into talking about something that she clearly doesn’t feel comfortable about!” Holtzmann is wagging her finger, like she does when she scolds Michael, and Erin can see Abby shrinking, “Yes she left after a fight, and that hurt you. You’re allowed to hurt Abigail. But it takes _two_ people to fight, so you don’t get to play the victim. You never called Erin either. You don’t get to shame her like that, you know how sensitive that subject is for her.”

Abby doesn’t know what to answer and neither does Erin. Every day she’s discovering a new side of Holtz. It’s honestly a little bit of a mindtrip.

“Daaaaaamn Holtzy, who’d have thought you’d be the mom friend?” Patty suddenly chuckles through the awkward silence.

“Full time Ghostbuster, fuller time parent, Pattyboo.” Holtz mutters. She sighs deeply, putting a hand on Abby’s shoulder, “I love you, but just knock it off, okay Abs? She’ll talk to you when she’s ready.”

Abby nods a little dumbly.

“Er, come upstairs with me?” She turns on her heel and bounces back up the stairs, not waiting to see if Erin follows her, but of course Erin does. She would follow Holtzmann anywhere.

And she doesn’t want to stay downstairs after what just happened.

“You didn’t have to…”

“I did.” Holtzmann interrupts, her voice is soft again, not as clipped as when she was talking to Abby. Erin likes it when she’s soft, “She should stop holding that over your head, it’s not right.”

Erin shrugs, “It’s not that big of a deal…”

“It is to me. _You_ are a big deal to me.”

 She doesn’t know what to say to that. There’s something about Holtz’s disarming honesty, Erin doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to it. She’s never been a big deal before. No one ever thought she was important enough. Except for Holtz.

“Come on,” Jillian grabs for her hand and tugs her to the workbench, “I wanna show you something cool.”

“But Jill…” Erin bites her lip, she’s so uncomfortable with what happened downstairs. She gets why Holtz did it, and she loves that she did it. But Abby is her friend, and Holtz’s too. It’s not right to leave things the way they are.

“I’ll take Abbs out for soup at lunch, okay?” Because Holtzmann can read her thoughts, “Now you really need to look at this, I’m working on your shotgun!”

 

* * *

 

Erin stays upstairs. She’s not avoiding Abby by any means, she just knows she’ll be weird about it and then Abby will have to be weird about it too and Erin doesn’t like weird.

Holtz makes good on her promise though, she takes Abby out for soup. Because Holtz doesn’t care about making things weird, her entire life is the epitome of weird.

She doesn’t get much work done in Holtz’s lab, not nearly as much as she would have gotten done if she had just stayed downstairs. Jillian moves and dances and sings, and it keeps her eyes wandering off the page she’s trying to read.

“Time for me to pick up the mini-me.” Holtz announces with a grin and Erin stands up, almost out of reflex before she remembers that she’s not supposed to come along. Not this time.

Holtz notices and Erin is sure she can see her shoulders slump.

“Michael… he’s going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss him too…” She’s not talking about Michael at all, “But I’ll come back on Friday?”

Holtz nods eagerly, “Please? It’s going to be so… _quiet_ without you. Not that you’re loud or anything.” She stumbles,  a little nervous, “It’s just… you’re a presence, and without that, there’s going to be less presence in the apartment and I… I should just shut up…” she ends with a chuckle.

Erin mirrors her chuckle, “It’s going to be weird to be in my own apartment… it’s only been one weekend but… I don’t know, I like your place better.”

“Me too…” Holtz almost sighs, “I mean, I like you in my place. I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s… I’m a mess.”

“No you’re not… but you are going to be late if you don’t leave now.”

“Right…” Holtz checks the clock herself, “Right, I should leave. I’ll see you tomorrow Erin.”

This time, for once, it’s not Holtzmann who leans in for that sweet kiss on the cheek. It’s Erin who gathers the courage and brushes her lips against Jillian’s dimple and she will forever thank the entire universe that she did because Jillian’s lips are soft but her cheek is even softer and  she smells amazing and she feels even more amazing. And maybe Erin lingers a bit too long but she can’t help it.

Jillian wraps her arms around her, making no move to leave, “G’night Errie-berrie.”

She melts into her, “Goodnight Holtzy.”

And Jillian should leave. But they stand there wrapped around each other until she has to rush through New York to pick up Michael. They have no regrets.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

Barely three hours pass before Erin caves. She just put her dinner in the microwave, one of those sad meals where the food probably contains more plastic than the tray it comes in, and the beeps from the machine is the only sound she’s heard since she got home and suddenly she’s so _alone_.

She has her phone in her hand before she can even think it through.

_“Holtzmann?”_

“Hey Jillian…” Erin pauses, realizing she has nothing to say to the engineer, “…Hi?”

 _“Hey Er-Bear, what’s up?”_ She can hear Jillian’s smile through her voice, _“I was just setting the table. It’s so weird to have two plates instead of three, is it weird for you too? It’s so weird for me.”_

The stress of coming over too needy flows out of her, Holtzmann always knows what to say. She knows exactly what is going on with Erin, even when Erin hasn’t figured it out herself yet. Because this is why she’s calling, “It is weird.”

 _“Thank Lorentz, I thought I was just being a baby.”_ Jillian sighs, _“You know, Hendrik Lorentz? The guy who derived the transformation equations that were the basis of Einstein’s special relativity theory? Big fan. You know he came up with the theoretical physics behind the Zeeman effect?”_

“I know Holtz, he became a quantum physicist later. I’m very familiar with his work.”

 _“Hey! Hey! Erin! Zeeman did the experiments for that effect!”_ Jillian’s voice rises with excitement and Erin just knows that she’s jumping up and down, _“You are the Lorentz to my Zeeman!_ _You’re my Hendrik Lorentz!”_

Erin shakes her head fondly, “Don’t be ridiculous Jill, Hendrik Lorentz’s theories changed physics as we know it. He helped Einstein! He was a genius! Special relativity used to be called the Einstein-Lorentz theory! That’s how amazing he was!”

_“Please Bear, we’re changing the world of science every day! Heck, we’ve discovered an entire new field of science! We’re pioneers!”_

“Oh come on Jillian…” Erin argues and in the background she can hear her microwave pinging. She doesn’t care though, as long as Jillian keeps talking to her.

And she does, rattling about Lorentz and Einstein and ghost in this odd tangent that’s just so _Holtz_ , Erin completely melts.

Jillian talks and talks and Erin is used to other people dominating the conversation, and she _hates_ when that happens because she’s too shy to do anything about it, but it doesn’t feel like she’s being dominated. Holtz just really has that much to say. And she pauses every few times to ask: “ _right Bear?”_ or _“What do you think Boo?”_ or Erin’s favorite: _“But we can talk more about that next weekend. You’re still coming over right?”_

“Yeah, I’m coming over.”

 _“Good, Michael already misses you.”_ Jillian pauses, _“And I mi… Oh shit that’s burning! Bear-boo, I gotta call back babe! Shit!”_

Erin wants to say something, but before her goodbye leaves her lips, she can hear the distinct tone of the phone hanging up. She has to bite her lip to keep herself from sighing sadly.

But it is what it is, and at least she got to enjoy Holtz’s company for a little while. Secretly, Erin doesn’t think she could have enough of Holtz’s company. Or just Holtz in general.

She has to reheat her food, it’s gone cold during Holtz’s adorable ranting. If it wasn’t inedible before, it’ll definitely be now. She wishes she could be with Holtz and Michael. Even if she burns the food, Erin still prefers meals at their place. It’s quiet there too, but not the cold quiet from Erin’s apartment.

She just wants to be with Holtz.

Her phones buzzes on the counter where she left it behind.

_Srry Boo, nearly burned the nuggets. Crisis averted tho, they R just a liiiiittle crispy. Just wanted to say that I miss you Erin. So, I miss you Erin. See you tomorrow x_

Erin doesn’t even mind anymore that her mashed potatoes taste like wallpaper glue. There’s no way she’ll ever stop smiling now.

 

* * *

 

Holtz caves next. Or at least, Erin hopes that she caves. Point still is, when Erin crawls under the covers, way later than she normally would but then again she really didn’t want to go to bed, when she finally does though and she can’t find a good position anymore because the bed seems like it has grown too big over the weekend, Jillian calls.

Jillian calls her and Erin relaxes instantly before has even picked up the phone.

“Hi.” She breathes into the phone.

 _“I feel stupid_.” Because Jillian doesn’t do normal hellos, _“I’ve been with you all weekend and all day today. This is ridiculous.”_

“I don’t mind Jill.”

Jillian sighs, _“Michael is asleep. I_ should _be asleep. Hey, why aren’t you asleep?”_

Erin shrugs even though Holtz can’t see, “I wasn’t that tired… and I just… It feels weird.”

_“Come over.”_

And Erin wants to so badly but…

“You know I can’t Jillian… It’s late and Michael… I’ll be back on Friday.” _Back in your bed, back in your arms, back home._

 _“Promise?”_ Erin still isn’t used to this gentler, insecure side of her usually crazy loud engineer. She almost decides to hell with it all and go over anyway, but it wouldn’t be right.

“I promise Jill.”

 _“I don’t think I can sleep without you.”_ Jillian admits quietly, _“Talk to me? I like your voice. It’s soothing.”_

And how can Erin ever refuse her?

 

* * *

 

It happens again on Tuesday. The phonecalls. The pining that Erin so hopes is mutual.

A good morning call even though they’re seeing each other barely two hours later. A call while Jillian is picking up Michael, so Erin can hear about his day too. A call while they’re making dinner, and this time nothing gets burned. A call before bed because that’s when the loneliness seeps into their bones and into their cold beds.

Erin has already become addicted to calling Holtz. Because even if there were 800 hours in a day, it still wouldn’t be enough time to spend with Jillian.

On Wednesday it gets worse. They call and call and call and then it’s bedtime and Erin phone is in her hand but she’s not calling this time. She Facetimes Holtz.

And Erin is already in her pajamas, already in bed and she looks like hell because she can’t sleep without Holtz holding her. She doesn’t have to wait a second for Holtz to accept the call.

Jillian looks even worse. Tired, her hair a mess, a ratty T-shirt that serves as her pajamas and Erin knows that Holtz doesn’t wear pants to bed and she misses how soft she is even more now that she can _see_ what she’s actually missing.

_“Hey pretty lady.”_

“Please, I look like hell.”

 _“Shut up, you’re gorgeous.”_ And then as an afterthought, _“You always are.”_

They talk all night. Again.

 

* * *

 

There’s bags under her eyes and her neck is stiff and her eyes hurt from straining to watch Holtz on a little screen but it’s all worth it to her. She almost _floats_ to the firehouse.

“Jillian upstairs?”

“ _Oh good morning Abby, how nice to see you. Is that a new vest?”_ Abby mocks, “Why, yes it is, Erin, thank you for noticing. And a very good morning to you too. Nice weather isn’t it?”

Erin knows it’s all in good fun, “Good morning Abby, I know that’s not a new vest. Is Jillian upstairs?”

Abby rolls her eyes, “Yeah, go make heart eyes at our engineer, she’s probably waiting for you already.”

“I don’t make heart eyes!” Erin scoffs, but she hurries up the stairs because she knows Abby, and the woman more than likely has photographic evidence of Erin making said heart eyes.

It’s not her fault that Holtzmann is so damn fascinating.

“Jill, good morning!”

Holtzmann barely looks up from her work, but Erin knows not to take it personally. The engineer is just really dedicated to her art. Because it is an art, the way Holtz describes her work. Jillian is an artist.

“Mornin’ Er, lookin’ good.” She mumbles, hands deep in some sort of intricate wiring.

“You didn’t even look up though.”

Holtz puts down whatever she is doing, Erin has no idea what it could be, and looks at her. _Slowly._ From her feet up, up, up until blue eyes are drilling into her own and it makes Erin _feel_.

“You’re looking good Erin.” Holtz says again, and Erin swallows heavily because her eyes aren’t straying and she’s sure she has turned ten different kinds of red under the heavy gaze of Holtzmann.

“Uh… you too… you too Jillian.”

Holtzmann grins, wide and all teeth and it’s doing nothing to quiet Erin’s fluttering heart and damn Abby, because she _is_ making heart eyes and damn herself because she doesn’t want to ever stop making heart eyes at that cute little engineer.

“It’s Thursday.” Jillian says, snapping Erin out of her staring, “You’re still coming home tomorrow, right? I mean, my home. I mean, you’re coming over to my apartment, tomorrow?”

 _Home_.

“Yeah Jillian, I’m still coming.”

She doesn’t speak her thoughts, Erin rarely does. But they echo around her mind and heart the rest of the long day.

 _Still coming over. Still coming home_.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

The cap of her whiteboard marker might not survive this particular equation, giving that Erin is chewing on it like it’s a piece of candy. She’s been working on this equation all day, it was a pitch from Abby to finally figure out how to stabilize the portable containment unit. Holtz wanted a more trial and error based approach but when handling potential nuclear equipment… well, it’s kind of important to check that they’re not actually building a bomb instead of ghost trap.

But the longer Erin is staring at her board, the less certain she is that she’s going to figure this out. She stops chewing on the cap, going straight for the butt of her marker instead. She already chewed off her fingernails.

A hand waving in front of her face breaks her out of her concentration, making her jump back.

“You know, you have a bit of an oral fixation?” Holtzmann grins at her, “Sorry, but you didn’t react when I called your name. I’m heading out to pick up Michael.”

“Oh, okay. Give him a hug from me.” She’s already bringing her marker back to her mouth, distracted by the numbers in front of her.

If she could just figure this thing out…

“Bear, it’s Friday? You’re coming over, remember?”

Erin’s eyes flit to her old fashioned paper calendar on her desk. It _is_ Friday. How could she forget? She’d been looking forward to this day all week. But Abby had made her head spin with possibilities hidden beneath these complex calculations on her board and if she could just…

“Shit Holtz, of course I’m coming over…” Erin can’t stand that sad look on Holtzmann’s face, “Let me just…” She can’t help the way her eyes float back to her board. She knows she won’t be able to have a decent weekend if she leaves this behind. It’s always going to be nagging at her.

“Hey Bear, it’s fine.” Holtzmann smiles, “Work a bit longer, I’ll go pick up the kid. You can come over later? Just, try to be home for dinner?”

“Uh… Yeah…” there’s an odd guilt gnawing at her for letting Holtz leave alone. It’s their Friday, she should go out with her, she should have been ready to leave when Holtz came down. But she’s not and she knows she can’t leave now, she can’t put all this work away for an entire weekend.

“Don’t worry about it Erin, I get it, I promise.” Holtzmann seems to read her mind, “I’ll have dinner ready for you when you get home, okay?”

Erin shakes her head, “No Holtz, you’re not my maid. I just need to grab my bag and then… I can leave. Let’s go home.”

Holtz stops her with a hand on her shoulder, “Babe, I know you. You’ll be distracted all weekend if you leave now. Work this out, leave when you’re comfortable. We only get you on weekends, so you need to be at full capacity Bear-Boo.”

There’s a soft smile and a gentle squeeze of her shoulder and Erin kind of wants to damn the equation to hell and leave with Holtzmann.

“You get to see me every day Jill.”

Holtz shrugs adorably, “Maybe that isn’t enough for me? And besides, Michael only sees you on the weekends, so…”

“So, I’m staying the entire weekend again?” Erin wonders, because yeah, she assumed she would be and she packed accordingly but she doesn’t want to intrude on Holtzmann’s weekend.

“If you don’t have plans? Yeah, we want you to stay the weekend.” It almost looks like Jillian is blushing, “It’s nice to have you with me Erin. You… Just stay, okay?”

“I’d love that.” She mumbles through her own blushing, because seeing Holtz look at like that tickles her tummy in a way she hasn’t felt since she was 10.

“Dinner will be ready at 6.30, on the dot.”

“What are we having?”

Jillian shrugs, “Don’t know yet. Do you like asparagus? I bought some salmon to go with it but the piece I got is way too big for just me, so we could have that?”

“Sounds perfect Jillian.” And Erin honestly gets a little lost in the smile Holtzmann shoots her.

“6.30 Gilbert, don’t be late.” She warns one last time and Erin nods. She won’t be late.

“I’ll be home, promise.”

And Jillian leaves to go pick up Michael. And to go home. And make dinner. For all of them.

It’s adorable.

“When did y’all get married, and why weren’t we invited?” Patty suddenly pipes up, scaring Erin because sometimes she forgets that there are still other people in the world.

She blushes wildly, refusing to answer because Patty’s grin is scarily similar to the teasing grin Abby has been wearing for _weeks_ now.

But Patty doesn’t let go, of course she won’t, because when has anything ever been _easy_?

“So you guys seem pretty close lately?” It’s the less intrusive version of Abby asking _how is your girlfriend_ _doing_ every time they get five minutes alone, but the sentiment behind the question is the same.

“I guess.” Erin shrugs, maybe if she mumbles enough Patty will leave her be.

“You don’t have to say anything Erin,” Patty smiles, “I just wanted you to know that you seem happy. Holtzy too. I’m glad for you both.”

Erin thinks about it. About the past few weeks, about her life since she met Michael. It hasn’t been simple, but her life never has been. It’s not the most fun she’s ever had either, it’s kind of stressful and she’s scared a lot.

But Michael looks forward to having her over, at least she thinks so. And she knows it makes Holtz happy, to have her over. And it makes her happy to be there. Just sitting at the dinner table, with Jillian across from her and Michael and the end of the table, it’s enough.

She’s happy. Happier than she ever thought she would be.

“Girl, if you keep smiling that much, your face is gonna crack in half.” Patty teases, but Erin can’t help it. She’s just so goddamn happy.

Patty chuckles, “Finish your work, you don’t want to be _home_ late.”

Erin nearly giggles.

 

* * *

 

It’s barely 5.30 when she knocks twice before letting herself in. Holtzmann gave her the code of the building so she doesn’t need to buzz her in anymore.

“I’m home.” She doesn’t quite yell, because Michael would find that upsetting, but she raises her voice anyway so she doesn’t scare the shit out of anyone. _Home_. She’s grinning like mad again.

“You’re early!” Holtz’s voice floats from the kitchen, “I haven’t started dinner yet.”

“Hmmm,” Erin kicks her shoes off in the hall, “I got to point where I could leave the equation for what it is.” And she couldn’t possibly focus for one more second.

“Awesome.” Holtz dashes out of the kitchen with a wide grin, “You were sorely missed _docdoc._ ”

Erin chuckles, “I can see that. Where is Michael?”

“In his room, he’s being very quiet today.”

Erin raises an eyebrow, “Michael? Quiet? I can’t even _imagine_.”

“Fuck off.” Holtz sticks her tongue out, “You’ll see what I mean. He’s been sad about something, I don’t know. He won’t talk about it.”

Erin’s eyes flit to his closed bedroom door, worried for Michael. She doesn’t like to think about what could have made him sad. He’s just a baby, he shouldn’t be sad.

“You can go say hi to him, if you want.”

“Maybe he needs his space?” Erin doesn’t want to intrude on his quiet time, “I’ll wait until he’s ready to come say hi.”

Holtz grabs her by the hips suddenly and kisses her. On the cheek, still, but it’s enough to take Erin’s breath away.

“You’re amazing.” And Erin _swoons_ like a goddamn teenager because when did Jillian’s voice get this low? Honestly, it’s not fair.

“You’re the amazing one Jillian.” Erin doesn’t know where she found the breath to even speak because Holtzmann is so close and if she just leans in, just the tiniest bit, they’ll be sharing the same air and Erin _can’t_ deal with it.

She clenches her fingers in the soft material of Holtz’s weird, grease-stained shirt, clutching it like she might float away.

She almost leans in. She wants to, god does she want to, and Holtz wants her to, she can just see it in how bright those blue eyes shine. She could kiss her right now and Holtz will kiss her back and they’ll be kissing and it would be everything she’s been dreaming of for _weeks_. But she can’t.

There’s still too much uncertainty. She’s much too insecure, their precarious weekend-balance is still too new, Michael is… Michael is nowhere near ready to even begin to understand.

“Erin.”

“Jill?”

Jillian swallows heavily and for a selfish second Erin hopes that she’s brave enough, that Jillian is braver than her and just closes that tiny gap between them, because Erin would let her. Erin would let her have everything.

But Jillian doesn’t. She wants. Erin knows from the way Holtz’s hands have moved from her hips to the small of her back, the way she’s not softly holding Erin, but pulling her close, the way Holtzmann’s eyes keep trailing down to her lips. Erin has never felt so wanted before.

But Jillian is smart. Maybe even smarter than her. And all the second guesses Erin has had, by now Jillian has probably quadruple guesses. She knows more than Erin does, she’s a better judge of the situation. And she doesn’t lean in. So neither does Erin.

But they want so badly it almost hurts.

And pulling away hurts even more. But they have to, eventually. Before it gets too awkward. Before she accidentally opens her mouth and begs Holtz to never ever _please_ don’t pull away.

Erin steps away from Holtzmann, and she regrets it the second the colder air of the world touches her where Holtz’s warmth had just touched her before.

“So, uh, Michael has been feeling sad?”

Jillian nods, taking her own step back and it’s way too much space between them, but there’s nothing Erin can do. This is how it has to be.

“I don’t know why. He’s just been so quiet and he wants to be alone.” Holtzmann sighs, “I’m not sure what to do.”

Erin gives her what she hopes is a supportive smile, “You’ll figure it out, honey.”

“Honey?” Holtzmann _laughs_ at her, and Erin’s face flushes red when she realizes what she actually just said, “ _Honey?”_

“Shut up.” She mumbles, willing the ground to swallow her whole. Because wanting to beg for a kiss is fine, but god forbid she actually verbalizes her affections for Holtz. Embarrassment is a weird thing like that. And the fact that Holtzmann has tears of laughter streaming down her face really doesn’t soothe her nerves at all.

“Erin you genius!”

“Huh?”

“ _Honey!_ Because you’re my Bear!” Holtzmann wheezes for breath, “Bears love honey?”

“Oh.” Erin gets it now, it’s not nearly as funny as Holtz makes it seem, but yeah, bears, honey, it’s pretty cute. Wait. “ _Love_?”

“Uhm…” That seems to sober Jillian up, and suddenly Erin isn’t the only one who’s a little red in the face, “I mean… not to imply that you love me… or like… that you don’t love me… I mean… I feel pretty loved by you, in like a platonic way… but like… not a platonic way would be… I mean… _Eriiiiiin!_ ” Jillian whines when she just seems to be digging a deeper hole for herself with every uttered word and Erin just smirks, “Look at what you do to me! I used to have _moves_!”

There’s an accusing finger pointed towards her face, but Jillian is smiling softly too, “You ruined me.”

“You’re not really upset about that.” Erin teases, “Besides, you still have _moves_. I’m here, aren’t I?”

Holtzmann’s eyes twinkle in that completely addictive way, “Are you saying my moves are working on you?”

“Are you saying you haven’t noticed yet?” Erin counters right back, faking confidence though her heart is beating way too fast.

“Trust me, I noticed, Bear.”

“Good, you were supposed to, Honey.”

 

* * *

 

“Michael, baby? It’s time for dinner.” Erin carefully opens his door, because for some ungodly reason Holtz asked her to go get him, and for _some reason_ Erin just couldn’t say no to her gorgeous, gorgeous face, “Can you go wash your hands for me?”

Michael is sitting in the middle of his room, surrounded by his dinosaurs, shoulders slumped as he runs his fingers over one of the plastic monstrosities.

“Ankylosaur.” Erin recognizes the species, because every good nerd knows their dinosaurs, “Middle Jurassic to late Cretaceous. They…” Erin thinks of something to say about the dinosaur. Something a little more _fun_ than the reality of it being one of the most stupid dinosaurs in history.

Michael holds it up for her expectantly, and Erin can’t refuse him anything just like she can’t refuse his sister. She sits down next to him and takes the toy.

“They had an armor, little scutes all over their bodies, see?” Erin runs her own fingers over the rougher textured plastic to show, “And they ate only plants.”

Erin hoped that this explanation would quench his curiosity, but his body language makes it clear that he wants to know more.

“They had very short limbs, too short for their heavy body. So they were really slow and also,” Erin smiles, “They had a very small brain. Like, there’s only one species with a smaller brain to body ratio than the ankylosaur. So they were very slow and really dumb.”

Michael takes his dinosaur back from her, running his fingers over the edges. Erin never noticed how texture-driven he is, but it makes sense. She remembers Holtz telling her he refused to eat for a while because he didn’t like the way food felt in his mouth.

“Michael? You seem very sad to me. Can you tell me what is happening with you?” Erin tries, a little stupidly because if he doesn’t talk to Holtzmann, there’s no way he’ll talk to her.

Michael ignores her, he’s just holding on to his ankylosaur. Erin nearly sighs, because she’s hungry and Jillian is waiting with dinner ready and she had hoped she could do this one thing. The easiest task she could get. Just fetch the kid and come eat.

“Hey kids, what’s happening?” Holtz checks in on them because of course she does, “You’re still playing with that little dinosaur? Don’t you want to play with the others? You have so many, Michael. Honestly, he’s been dragging that one with him the whole week.”

“That one?” Erin has never seen him get attached to a specific dinosaur before, “The ankylosaur?”

“Uhm… I guess? It’s not really my thing, I know nothing about dinosaurs.”

Erin knows, or at least, she hopes she knows, “Holtz, can we talk outside for a bit?”

“Uhhh am I in trouble?” She jokes but she follows Erin in a heartbeat.

Erin casts a look into Michael’s bedroom, he’s still sitting there with his dinosaur looking more lost than usual. She gets why Jillian has been worried.

“I think… don’t make fun of me, okay?”

“Never.” Jillian swears and Erin believes her instantly.

“It’s the dinosaur. The ankylosaur is one of the dumbest species of dinosaur. Dumb and slow. Completely useless dinosaur, it only survived that long because its armor was so thick that carnivores just left it alone.” Erin bites her lip, “I think Michael has been feeling dumb this last week. Something is making him feel dumb.”

“Shit…” Holtz swears softly, her eyes flicking to her brother, “What do I do? I can’t… Erin, I can’t go in there and lie to him. But he’s not… dumb doesn’t mean he’s useless… or worthless.”

“Then tell him that, Jill he’s so sad.”

Holtzmann nods once, “Yeah, I’ll go… you’re coming too right?”

“Right behind you.”

And she is, she sits down next to Holtzmann.

“Hey buddy, can I see that dinosaur?” She gently takes it from his hands, “Docdoc tells me that this isn’t a really smart dinosaur, is it? You seem to like it a lot.”

Holtz’s voice is so gentle and sweet it could put Erin to sleep.

“Are you feeling…” Jillian is so insecure, Erin can practically feel it. She reaches out to the engineer, puts her hand on her knee to show a tiny bit of support, “I have noticed that you have been very sad this week. Are you feeling dumb, Michael?”

Michael taps the dinosaur with his finger.

“Michael…” Jillian sighs, “You remember what I told you about your autism? You’re not a smart boy, and you never will be. And that’s okay, honey.”

Michael taps the dinosaur again with a sad hum.

“Shit,” Holtz swears again, “No, Michael, don’t be sad. It’s… Look at me baby, look at Jillian.”

He rights his head but Erin knows that he never really looks at anyone.

“Look baby boy, it’s not about what’s in here.” She points to his head, “It’s about what’s here, in your heart.”

It’s beautiful Erin thinks. But Michael disagrees, humming pathetically.

“Okay, I didn’t explain that well, I’m sorry.” Jillian tries again, “Michael, I don’t love you for your brain. I love you because you’re a sweet boy, you’re nice and you’re kind. And those things have nothing to do with being smart. Being a good person is more important than being a smart person. Do you understand that?”

She doesn’t get any response from Michael. And she’s trying so hard. It’s not fair.

“Let’s try again. Look at Docdoc. See Docdoc? Docdoc is super smart. She’s smarter than me and she’s smarter than Abby.” Jillian says, “But that’s not why we like her, is it? Why do you like Docdoc? Can you tell me?”

Michael brings his hand up to Jillian’s face, poking her in the dimple.

“She makes me smile? You like Docdoc because she makes Jillian smile? Yeah, that’s a good reason, buddy.” Jillian nods thoughtfully with a wide grin, “I love her because she’s quiet and soft, she just seems to fit into my life. Can you touch Docdoc hands to feel how soft she is?”

For a second Erin thinks that he might actually do it, touch her that is. But he shakes his head instead.

“No? That’s okay buddy. You’ll just have to believe me that she’s super soft.” Jillian takes her hand and rubs her thumb over Erin’s knuckles, “And I love you Michael, because you’re sweet. Because you make me happy. Because you’re my baby brother and I love you. I love you more than I ever loved anyone in the entire world. Do you believe me?”

Michael nods.

“So don’t you worry about not being smart, okay? Because me and Docdoc will always love you, no matter what. Right Doctor Gilbert?”

Erin nods, because yeah, she will, “Yeah, I love you both. No matter what.”

“And we love you right back Bear.”

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

 

“He seems happier?” Erin thinks out loud. They’re watching Michael sitting underneath the slide because it’s his favorite thing to do at the playground. Sit under the slide until it is time to go home.

“He does.” Holtz agrees, one eye on her little brother, “I don’t… he’s usually not really that insecure? I don’t know what happened, I’ll talk to his teacher on Monday. Maybe something went down at school.”

“Yeah maybe…”

Erin thinks back to the last time they were here, how awkward she felt. It’s not better, of course it’s not. Nothing is fixed within a week. She’s an adult, she knows well enough that life doesn’t work like that. It just doesn’t.

Holtz still isn’t looking at her when she talks, she’s looking at Michael and Michael only, and Erin doesn’t want to be jealous. She has no right to be jealous, no reason. But… yeah… is it really too much to cast a glance at her? Just look away from Michael for a second, for just one smile?

But they’re trying, trying to be whatever they’re trying to be. And Erin promised more time to figure things out, and she’s keeping to it. She’s giving Holtz all the time she needs because even if there’s only the slightest chance of them figuring out what to do with _this_ , with them, Erin will give everything for that.

“What are you thinking about Bear?”

Erin shrugs, it’s an awkward question, with even more awkward answer.

“What are you thinking about?” She counters instead.

Holtz huffs a short laugh, “Lots of things. Mostly food. And you.”

Her cheeks color, “Me?”

There’s a slight shake of her head, “Erin, you really should stop thinking so damn much about everything and just let yourself be. Of course you’re on my mind. I’m _always_ thinking about you. You have to be blind not to notice. Or maybe you just don’t want to notice.”

It’s raw honesty, the kind Erin has gotten used to with Holtz. But there’s a hint of bite there, not in a mean way but almost insecure. Like Holtzmann, somewhere in that big mind of hers, might believe that Erin _chooses_ to play dumb to this obvious something between them.

“I’m thinking… I’m thinking that I have no idea what I’m doing.” Erin admits softly, because she wants to do something to ease Holtzmann’s thoughts, “But I’m happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time Jillian.”

That finally pulls her eyes away from Michael, a wide grin on her face that’s so contagious, Erin just has to smile right back. They must look like complete idiots, grinning at each other on a park bench.

“You…” Jillian purses her lips in thought, “I’m… I like it when you’re happy. That’s really important to me. I mean, you’re important to me.”

Erin swallows heavily, Holtz makes these tiny admissions all the time now, but they make Erin’s heart flutter every single time.

“Erin, I feel…” Holtz turns her entire body to Erin, her hand resting heavily on Erin’s knee, “I think… maybe it’s too soon and you’re not ready, and that’s perfectly fine and you can tell me and I’ll wait,”

Erin’s breath hitches because she knows what Holtz wants, she can _feel_ what Holtz is going to say and can she? Is she ready? Is this really going to be it? Here? Right now? On a park bench? Her heart starts pounding uncontrollably because _fuck_ , she is completely unprepared for this and Holtz looks at her with those wide blue eyes and shit, Erin can’t resist her anymore. If she… Erin won’t be able to say no. It’s just not possible.

“I swear I’ll wait, because you’re so beautiful baby, and not just _beautiful_ beautiful,” Holtz crudely waves her hand over Erin’s general form and Erin can’t help the blush covering her cheeks, “Which you are though, you’re so beautiful, but you are also the best thing, no… you’re not a thing, but you’re like… like the best human… fuck, that sounded so much better in my head… what I want to say is that I really _really_ like…”

“Jillian!” 

Silence.

Nothing happens.

Erin can vaguely hear Jillian greeting someone. She doesn’t care who it is honestly. It’s like she’s in a bubble.

They were so close. It was going to happen, they were going to happen. And now they’re not? They’re not happening?

“Uhm… Er, this is Samantha…” Jillian is mumbling, not meeting her eyes and now Erin feels the cold on her leg where Holtz’s hand rested just a few seconds ago, “Samantha, this is Dr. Erin Gilbert, she’s my…”

More silence.

It’s feels like her heart is shattering in her chest.

“Helena isn’t here today?” Samantha chatters as if the air around them isn’t suffocating, holding tightly onto an obnoxiously pink stroller.

“Olivia had a dance thing.”

It’s awkward, just breathing feels awkward, but Samantha just doesn’t get it.

“How’s Mikey doing?”

Erin isn’t sure if Holtz is looking so sour because they were interrupted or because Samantha seems so… not nice.

“Michael.” Holtz corrects curtly, “He’s playing over there. He’s doing great, a little trouble at school.”

Samantha doesn’t look, just nods, “Tell me about trouble. Penelope has been quite the handful lately, she just will not listen at all.”

Now, Erin knows Holtzy. Through and through. And she has never known her to be rude or mean. Odd, passionate, way too impulsive, but never mean. But now, Jillian Holtzmann is rolling her eyes at this annoying woman.

Rolling her eyes.

“I bet.” A sarcastic Jillian is just not something Erin has ever seen before. Well, no, she’s been sarcastic, but as a joke. This isn’t funny. But Samantha doesn’t want to notice obviously.

“I guess it’s puberty, you know? They hit a certain age and suddenly they think they know everything better.” Samantha shrugs, “But you know, our Theodore didn’t have it as bad as Penelope has it now. But he’s always been the calmer one.”

Puberty? How old are her kids? Why is she even at a playground? And who’s in the stroller?

“Samantha, I really don’t think you should compare Penelope to Michael.” There’s a little bite to Holtzmann’s words.

“Right, sorry, it’s a little insensitive, isn’t it? Because of his disability?” Samantha nods knowingly and Holtz grits her teeth, “You know, I really admire you Jillian, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if something like that happened to Theodore or Penelope.” 

“Autism doesn’t _happen_. Michael was born with it.” Erin can’t help but butt in.

“Well sometimes, but mostly it’s from vaccines, right?”

Holtz’s hand on her knee stops Erin from lashing out at the woman, but she’s sure their faces mirror the complete shock. Autism from vaccines? What’s next? Trump is a great president?

What kind of bullshit…?

“But as I was saying, Penelope has been really acting up lately. She’s always lazing around, never listens to anything I say and yesterday I caught her trying to steal my pumps!”

“Must be hard on you.” Holtz grumbles, “I can’t even imagine.”

“It’s probably just a phase,” Erin tries to empathize, even though she can’t remember ever wanting to steal her own mother’s clothes.

“Probably, you know, the worst Theodore ever did was bite the mailman, but Penelope…”

“He bit a mailman?!” it flaps out, Erin can’t help it, sometimes it just happens. Holtz snorts indelicately next to her.

Samantha shrugs, “It happens all the time?”

“Erin, honey…” Holtz takes a breathe, she’s clearly having trouble not to burst out laughing, “They’re dogs.”

“They are not just _dogs_!” Samantha huffs, “They have a very extensive lineage, they come from a very noble family of poodles!”

“Right, sorry, I forgot,” Holtz smirks, “They’re very expensive dogs.”

Samantha shakes her head, obviously outraged, “You always talk down to them Jillian, but Theodore and Penelope have feelings too! They are my children! And I love them just as much as you love Michael.”

Now Erin is having trouble not laughing too. Sure, you can love a pet. But at the end of the day… it doesn’t compare to loving an actual _family member_.

“They’re _poodles_. In a pink stroller.” Holtz says, “If you loved them so much, you wouldn’t dye their fur and you would let them walk around themselves! No wonder they’re upset with you!”

Samantha gasps, raising her hand to her heart dramatically and if Erin has to be completely honest, she looks exactly like one of those Real Housewives.

“You know, Theodore wore those rainbow colors proudly for your kind, and this is how you repay them?” Before either of them can call her out on her shit, Samantha makes a dramatic high heeled exit.

Holtz chuckles one more time, “You know, I’ve always wanted to do that. Call her out on her shit. Those stupid poodles…”

“I can’t believe she compared her dogs to Michael…” Erin agrees, still kind of uncertain about what just actually happened. She never knew those kinds of people actually truly existed. What a nightmare.

Holtz hums, throwing her arm over Erin’s shoulders, “I wish she hadn’t interrupted us like that.”

“Ugh.” Erin groans, thinking about the what ifs. If Samantha hadn’t shown up when she did, she might have even kissed Jillian by now. Now she hates the woman even more.

“Erin?” Holtz says, laughter nearly bubbling up in her voice, “Baby, I think it’s time to take our miniature human home. He’s getting antsy from all the sand.”

_Our?_

Erin swallows around nothing. Her heart speeds up again.

_Our._

Holtz doesn’t seem to have noticed. But Erin’s ears burn.

He’s not theirs. But could he be? In the far, _far_ future, maybe. Possibly. Someday.

Someday… she can’t imagine, right now, looking at Michael and seeing something else than Holtz’s brother. But someday, what is she going to think of him? In the future.

Is she going to see him as something more? Like a little brother of her own?

She knows Jillian insists on calling him her brother, loud and clear, she doesn’t like people assuming he’s her son. But she also knows the way Jillian looks at him, cares for him. He might not be her son, but she is every bit his parent.

Could Erin be like that? Warm and caring? Does she want to be?

Erin goes through the motions of wiping nonexistent dust from her pants and taking the backpack while Holtz collects her brother. Holtz’s words are on the foreground of her mind.

“Hey Docdoc?” Jillian grins widely, one hand on Michael’s shoulder, the other reaching out for her, “Can we please hold your hand?”

 

* * *

 

They can’t keep their eyes open. Michael has been in bed for barely half an hour and Erin can’t even hold a decent conversation because she is _that_ tired.

The entire stressful week caught up with her, pulling her eyelids down.

And Holtz isn’t fairing much better.

“We should sleep.” She mumbles through a yawn, “In my bed. Not here.”

“Hnngh.” Erin groans, “Don’t want to move.”

“Promise when you get to bed, you won’t have to move again for like, a long ass time.”

Holtzmann grunts when she pushes herself off the couch, like it’s some sort of incredible physical effort to just stand up.

Erin barely thinks when she grabs the blonde’s hand, silently asking to pull her up.

She didn’t expect Holtz to actually pull that hard on her hand though. She stumbles to her feet, nearly falling into the engineer’s arms.

Holtz just goes with it because that’s just who she is. Completely unflappable. And now two arms are wrapped tightly around her and Erin is having trouble reminding herself to breathe.

“You okay?” Holtzmann asks, and her mouth is so close to Erin’s ear that she can _feel_ the question.

“Fine.” It comes out sounding like a squeaky toy.

Holtzmann takes a small step back, looking Erin dead in the eye. There’s a worry shining in those big blue eyes.

“You sure? You’ve been… different…” Holtz seems to think over her words in a way she never usually does, “Not a bad different…. Just a _different_ different.”

Erin nods, her heart thumping so loudly she fears it could wake up Michael.

“I have been different… lately…” She can do this, she can say it, “I’ve been… feeling different.”

“Oh…” Holtzmann’s forehead wrinkles adorably and Erin wishes she could kiss that crease away, “What kind of different?”

“You… I…” She doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know the words to say what she feels. Maybe there isn’t even an appropriate word to explain this weird nauseating swirl in the pit of her stomach.

“Me? You’ve been feeling different because of me?”

“I… yeah…”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

There’s a silence louder than any poof Holtz has ever caused. It’s almost weird. They just stand there, Holtzmann staring at her like she is trying to read her mind.

“What kind of different?” Holtzmann asks again.

“I… I don’t really know…”

Holtz nods, because of course she understands.

“It’s a nice different… I think.” Erin feels the need to add.

“ _Oh_.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you… are we talking about the same thing here? Because… because I… I need to know Erin.”

“I don’t know…”

“Well…” Holtz sighs, “What are you talking about?”

There’s a cold fear rushing through Erin’s veins, she can’t do this anymore.

“I don’t… I can’t say it.”

“Why not?”

“I… I’m scared.”

They’re silent again.

Holtzmann nods, “That’s okay… I’m… I’m a little scared right now too… I… Maybe…”

“Maybe?” Erin prompts. The nerves are making her hands shake, and if Holtz didn’t still have her arms around Erin, she’s sure she would have floated off by now.

Holtz bites her lip, probably a nervous tick but it makes Erin sweat a little harder.

“Maybe… if we’re talking about the same different… maybe we can wait until we’re less scared?” Holtz frowns at her own words, “I mean… fuck this… Erin, you’re… so _Erin_.”

“I am… Erin.” She can’t help but chuckle and it gets a soft smile from Holtz.

“I know. I mean, you’re Erin and… I… it’s okay that you’re scared, this is scary. But you’re Erin and you’re… I will do whatever it takes, I’ll wait for you until you’re more comfortable… because you’re Erin… and I…” Holtz swallows heavily, “I have been feeling _different_ from the moment I met you.”

It feels like time stops. It feels like the floor opened up and is sucking her into the ghostvortex again. She can’t think, she can barely see. All she feels is her heart pounding and nerves rushing through her.

“Er?” Holtzmann is still standing there, her grip on Erin loosening with every passing second of silence.

“No.”

“No?”

Erin clears her throat, “Don’t… don’t let go of me. Hold me? Please?”

Jillian barely lets her finish before she pulls her in impossibly closer, crushing her in a tight hug. Erin buries her face into Holtz’s shoulder, clinging to her for dear life.

“It’s going to be okay Erin.” Holtz whispers into her ear.

“I don’t know what to do… I never…” Erin can’t stop the tears from falling, “And you have Michael and I…”

“Shhh Er, we’ll figure it out, okay?” Holtz holds her so tightly and even though Erin is still scared out of her mind, she’s never felt more safe, “When you’re ready, we’ll figure it out.”

It takes embarrassingly long for her to stop crying, but when she pulls away Holtz’s eyes seem a bit teary too.

Jillian takes her hand and guides her to the bedroom in silence, there’s no need for any more words between them.

She lets Holtz wrap herself around her, feeling safe and warm and cozy. Erin has never been much of a snuggler, let alone a touchy person, but gosh if she could she would stay in Holtz’s arms forever.

“Sleep hot stuff, we’re fine.” Holtz whispers to her and Erin wishes she wasn’t so much of a coward, wishes she could turn around and kiss her goodnight.

Instead, she takes Holtz’s hand that’s wrapped around her middle and uses it to pull her closer until every part of their bodies is touching, fusing into one giant heap of limbs under Holtz’s soft covers.

And when she dozes off, Holtz presses the softest of kisses against her shoulder, whispering, “I don’t know what I did to deserve you in my life, but I’ll do anything to keep you.”

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am absolutely loving the comments on this fic :p But please don't kill me for this update :p

 

 

Erin offered to make lunch on Sunday because Michael might be feeling better, but he refuses to do anything but watch Cars now and Erin has seen it pretty much every time she visited and she can’t take it anymore.

His need for repetition is perfectly understandable, she just does not share his particular love for animated cars with eyes. It’s just bizarre.

They’re having pasta, because it’s pretty much the only thing she knows how to make decently.

It’s a weird scene, if she thinks about it too long. A kid on the couch, Holtz’s apartment, her cooking. It’s… it’s oddly domestic. And it doesn’t bother Erin, not really.

 _Our miniature human_.

Yeah. Someday, in a few years, after a few adjustments in their relationship, Erin can actually pretty easily see Michael becoming theirs. Their kid. One day. Not any time soon. But one day.

She’s chopping tomatoes when Holtz checks up on her.

“I don’t know what it says about me, but…” She wraps her arms around Erin’s waist from behind, making Erin’s heartbeat skyrocket, “there’s something very sexy about you cooking.”

Erin chuckles, “Please don’t tell me you have a housewife fantasy.”

“Ew no,” Erin doesn’t have to see her to know her nose is scrunching up adorably, “It’s just you with a big ass knife, you look so confident and badass. Really sexy, babe.”

Holtz whispers the last bit, her arms tightening around Erin and god, she really believes her.

She can feel Jillian’s hot breath on her neck, nuzzling her cute little nose against every available surface of Erin’s skin.

“I’m hungry.” Holtz whispers into her ear, all husky and overly sexual and Erin nearly falls over because, what? Has she fallen asleep and woken up into some weird alternate universe? When did this happen? Since when did they start doing this? What is even happening here?

And then she feels it, a slight sting and wet on her ear…

“Jillian did you just _bite_ me?” Erin drops the knife and turns around in Holtz’s arms.

“Uh…” Holtz flushes instantly, “Uh… not _bite_ …”

“Jillian.”

Holtz gives her the most sheepish grin Erin has ever seen, complete with innocently raised shoulders, “It was more a little _nibble_ …”

“Jillian!”

“What?! I told you I was hungry!”

Erin rolls her eyes, “So you’re just going to eat me?”

 _Whoops_ … that’s _not_ how that was supposed to come out.

Holtz’s eyes shine brightly.

“Don’t you dare make a comment Jillian.” Erin warns, because she knows exactly what Jillian is thinking about. And now she’s thinking about it too. _Dammit!_

“Well… if you’re offering.” Holtz waggles her eyebrows ridiculously, “Kidding, Bear, I’m kidding! Sorry, I couldn’t let that pass.”

Erin just sighs deeply, rolling her eyes, because really, she can’t blame Jillian at all.

“I’m going to cook our lunch now,” Erin turns back around, but Jillian’s arms stay around her, “You’re just going to glue yourself to me then, honey?”

“Hmm, if you’ll let me?”

Erin softly squeezes one of the hands around her middle, “Always baby.”

She can feel Jillian’s smile against the bare skin of her neck, nuzzling away like an overzealous puppy.  It’s cute.

Until she starts biting again.

“Jillian. If you want me to finish cooking, you have to stop that.” She warns softly. She doesn’t want her to stop, not really, but there’s so much happening right now. Things that they should talk about, but they haven’t talked about it yet, and… it’s a lot, very sudden.

She doesn’t know where Jillian got the idea to suddenly go all out in this weird thing they’re doing, and it’s honestly not entirely unwelcome, it’s just too fast…

“I’m not doing anything…” Jillian tries to play coy, but Erin can feel the growing wet patch on her neck from all of her ‘innocent’ nibbles. It’s hot. It’s really doing it for Erin. Really. She’s just not ready yet.

“You’re serious?” Jillian asks, because of course, Erin has forgotten about her ability to know just exactly what’s going on in her brain, “Sorry. No more nibbling. Can I still hold you?”

“Yeah, the holding is perfect.” Erin nods, “The… the other stuff is fine too, Jillian, just… we never… I’m not ready.”

“Say no more Erin,” Jillian whispers, her arms tightening around Erin’s waist, “I’ll wait. I don’t ever want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t make me uncomfortable.” Erin swears, “It’s just going a bit too fast for me suddenly. I mean, we never talked about… _this_ … and Michael…”

“He’s a problem…” Jillian mumbles dejectedly.

Erin turns around again, because she can’t have Jillian thinking she feels like that, “He’s not. He’s not a problem, but baby, you have to admit that it’s… it’s a little more difficult with him. I love him, but, you know…”

“You’re right… I could maybe…” Jillian blushes, “If you wanted… I could maybe… talk to him… maybe not about _us_ , but just in general… let him know that I can love multiple people at once? So he won’t think I’m abandoning him? See how he feels?”

It’s a lot. Erin knows that this needs to happen if they ever want to… but it’s a lot. Talking to Michael about the possibility of them dating, it’s like confirming something that doesn’t exist yet. It’s rash and brazen and very much like Holtzmann but not at all like Erin.

“Why are you rushing…?” Erin is curious. It’s not that she doesn’t want this, but just last week Holtz said that they were ‘going with the flow’ and Holtz asked for more time to fit Erin into their lives and yesterday Holtz said they would wait, they would wait, they would wait and now she won’t and it’s… rushed.

“I…” Holtz pauses, “I don’t know. I just… see you and it’s just… it’s complicated and I don’t like it. I don’t want it to be complicated anymore. I want it to be uncomplicated.”

The uncertainty in her voice nearly breaks Erin’s heart. She wishes it could be that easy, just kiss and get things over with.

But Erin can hear Lightning McQueen racing through the living room, and just by hearing the lines she knows what scene it is, because she’s seen it a thousand times already and it’s just a reminder of why things can’t be easy for them.

Holtz has tears in her eyes, because she knows it too and it’s… there’s no words. But seeing her like this, it makes it hard to breathe for Erin.

“Jillian…” Erin pulls her into a hug and Holtz cries.

Full on sobs, complete with an ugly crying face and everything.

“I feel horrible.” She hiccups through her cries, “If… if it wasn’t for Michael, we could… and I feel _awful_ for thinking like that, but…”

“Oh, honey.” Erin can’t help but clutch her tighter, because yeah, she gets that. Life would be so much easier without Michael there, but she also can’t imagine him not being there, “Baby, it’s okay. Even if Michael takes it well, _I_ am still not ready for… _this._ I know he makes it a little hard, but Holtzy, baby, we said we would take this slowly. I want to wait, I want… when we’re ready, I want everything, with you _and_ Michael. But slowly baby, not just for him, but for me too. I’m not ready yet.”

Holtzmann sniffles, taking a step back to wipe her eyes and nose with her sleeve and it’s probably really unsanitary and definitely a little gross, but for some ungodly reason Erin still finds her cute like this, covered in snot and tears.

“It’s okay… I’m sorry for… all that.” Holtz mumbles, “Waiting can happen. Waiting is going to happen. Just… don’t make me wait too long? Please? Because, you know, I’m obviously a very fragile little human…”

“I won’t make you wait too long, I promise.”

“Good, that’s good… I’m sorry for trying to rush you Erin.” Holtz bites her lip, “I just keep thinking that you’re here, and you stay, and I know you want this too and I get so happy that I forget that we’re… that we’re not…”

Warmth races through Erin’s blood, making her feel all giddy and excited, “You have to stop saying things like that…”

“Like what?” Holtz looks genuinely confused.

“That I make you happy… that I make you so happy that you practically jump me in the kitchen.” Erin mumbles through her blushing, but after all the confessions, this doesn’t seem like much of a big deal anymore.

Holtz blushes too, “I’m sorry for that though, it wasn’t really appropriate. I should be more respectful of your space.”

“I don’t want you to be respectful of my space.” Erin blurts, “I mean, I want you in my space. Just, not with your… I want your body in my space, just not your lips? That sounds so weird…”

“It does.” Holtz nods gleefully, her eyes still shining with leftover tears but at least she’s smiling like Holtz again, “It sounds delightfully weird Bear. I get it though, cuddles, not kisses.”

“Cuddles, not kisses.” Erin repeats, “For now.”

 

* * *

 

Holtzmann is spooned around her, bare legs rubbing against Erin’s flannel pajama-clad ones. Her sleep attire barely consists of anything, and Erin has taken to closing her eyes when Holtz makes her way to the bed because her tank top is so old and ratty it doesn’t really hold anything inside anymore. It’s soft though, Holtz argued when she accidentally flashed Erin a whole entire boob, and Erin really won’t complain about it.

The day went by too fast. The entire weekend did. It’s like they spend their whole week waiting for this and then Erin blinked and it was over. But if her reward is cuddling up with Holtz at night, then maybe that makes up for it.

“You’re so soft.” Jillian mumbles, “How are you so soft? It’s not fair.”

“I’m not soft Jillian.” Erin scoffs.

“You’re exceptionally soft Bear, don’t argue with me. I’m a softness expert and you are so soft.” She can hear Holtz breathing in deeply, nuzzling the spot she was biting earlier.

“You’re crazy.” But she never pulls away.

Holtz nods, “Probably. Hey Bear?”

“Yeah honey?”

“Does the no kiss rule count here?”

Erin wants to say no so badly. But she’s just not ready.

“Yeah it does honey. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay… sucks a little, not going to lie. But I know you’re always right in the end.”

And Holtz leaves it at that and goes back to telling Erin how soft she is, how nice she smells, how beautiful she is in her old flannel pajamas, because Holtz is without a doubt perfect.

“You could wear a bowtie with this and it’d be evening wear.” Holtz mumbles, and from her, Erin knows it’s a compliment, “I love that you wear these pajamas for me. Makes me feel special, like you’re dressing up for me.”

“I look like an old man in them.” Erin chuckles.

“Nah Bear, you’re sexy as hell.” Holtz mutters, her breath inches away from Erin’s ear and Erin can’t help but remember how she nibbled on the lobe before and now they’re in bed, with less clothes and less distance between them and Holtz is being so amazing and Erin’s brain just shuts down.

“Kiss me.”

“What?” Holtz actually moves away from her in shock, and Erin is sure she’s wearing the same expression on her face because, oh, shit, she did not mean to say that.

“I mean…”

Holtz blinks owlishly, waiting for an explanation or an instruction or anything, but Erin comes up blank.

“You… what?” Holtz repeats.

Erin swallows heavily, “I can’t help it! You’re so… you do it on purpose!”

Holtz chuckles a little disbelievingly, “Do what on purpose?”

“You… you rub your legs against me! And you tell me I’m pretty and then you start whispering in my ear!” Erin is sure her face is beet red by now, “If you hadn’t bitten me, this wouldn’t be happening!”

“What wouldn’t be happening?” Jillian frowns, “Oh… _Oh!_ ” and then she grins, because of course Jillian Holtzmann is going to milk this, “Is my little Beary-Boo feeling a little flustered?”

“Shut up Holtz.”

Erin turns away from her, so she doesn’t have to see that stupid cocky, sexy smirk anymore. But Holtz follows her of course, wrapping tightly around her, that stupid mouth finding her ear instantly, not quite touching, but Erin can still feel her.

“So, I’m guessing your ear is a little sensitive?” Holtz whispers, and Erin has to try her best not to shudder because she can _feel_ those words and she can feel Jillian’s arms around her and her resolve is crumbling with every exhale.

“What is it baby?” Holtz teases, “Is it my voice? Or is it the fact that I’m so close to you?”

She always knew Jillian would be good at this, the sexual thing. It’s obvious in every movement she makes. But the way Erin is feeling right now, with the bare minimum of touches, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

“Or is it the biting?” Holtz questions hotly, “Is that it baby? Hmm? You have a little thing for that?”

“Holtz.” Erin warns, tightly wound. It’s the only thing she can come up because even though she knows it’s scientifically impossible, her brain has turned to mush.

“Hmmm? I’m not breaking the rules Cupcake. No kisses happening.” But then she rights her head, away from Erin’s ear, making eye contact just to add, “But of course, you can stop me anytime Erin, consent is super important to me.”

Erin falls in love all over again.

“Jill…”

“Yes my dear?”

“Fuck my stupid rules? Okay? Kiss me.” Erin nearly begs.

But Holtz shakes her head, “No baby. I mean, I want to, I really do, especially when you look like this, because _Erin_ , _fuck_ ,” Holtz shudders with a dark look in her eyes, “But you’re not really using your brain to think right now… and I don’t want you to regret anything.”

Erin whines, because dammit, Holtz is right, she isn’t thinking about tomorrow or about Michael and now she’s the one rushing them, “Not fair!”

“You’re right, you’re right. No more teasing, I’m sorry.”

Holtz smiles at her, widely, lovingly, and Erin smiles back because she can’t not smile at that face.

They settle back down again, Holtz keeping a little more distance than before but still holding her close.

“Tomorrow’s Monday.” She says, “The weekend is over.”

Holtz sighs, “Please don’t think about that yet, baby.”

“I can’t help it.”

Holtz kisses the back of her head, “Fuck your no kisses rule.” she mumbles, but only because she knows that those kisses aren’t part of that rule. She wouldn’t break the boundary on purpose. She’s much too respectful.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” Erin admits, she’s not ready for this weekend to be over.

“I’ll be right there with you the entire week.”

“I know, but not like this.” Erin gives back, “I’m going to miss having you like this.”

“Then stay.”

“But Michael…”

Holtz just clutches her tighter, “I’ll talk to him. He loves you Erin. Please stay baby.”

She knows they shouldn’t do this. It’s going to mess up Michael’s entire week. And really, Erin has to go home at some point. She can’t just randomly move into her friend’s house like that.

“Friday will come by again fast, honey.” Erin soothes, “Don’t ruin Michael’s schedule for this, it’s not worth it.”

“It is,” Holtz insists, “I sleep better when you’re home.”

“Jillian.”

“Fiiiiiine. I can’t resist you anything when you say my name like that.”

“I’ll remember that.” Erin teases.

“Bet you will.”

“We should sleep now baby, or tomorrow is going to be even crappier.”

Jillian sighs, “I hate it that you’re right all the time.”

“Goodnight Honey.”

“G’night Bear.”

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

 

Erin loves waking up slowly, taking her time to roll over, to burrow deeper into soft, warm blankets. Maybe sneak in some extra snuggles with Jillian… she loves it.

So when she rolls over Monday morning, she naturally reaches out for her… uhm… for her Jillian. But her fingertips are met with cold bunched up sheets instead of soft skin.

She moans softly in protest when she opens her eyes to check that Jillian has indeed left their bed.

Ugh.

It’s Monday.

But it’s still too early to get up. But not for Holtz apparently, because she wakes up disgustingly early and Erin does not like it. Though she does appreciate that Jillian didn’t wake her up this time.

She rolls onto her back. It’s barely 6, but she’s awake now.

The shower is running, so there’s no point in getting out of bed to search for Jillian. Maybe when she comes back out, Erin can convince her to come back to bed. There’s this thing about waking up next to Jillian that just makes Erin’s entire day so much lighter.

She’s in love.

Fuck, is she ever in love.

Last night just confirmed all the weird butterfly feelings Erin’s been having for Jillian. Not the near making out, but the way Holtz stopped to check on her. The respect, the care, the _love_ , those things are way more important than whispered compliments.

Though Erin can’t deny that that part was absolutely amazing too.

And they barely even touched.

They damn near kissed though. She asked for it herself. Twice.

But she said she wasn’t ready too.

Erin bites her lip, where is she with that? Is she ready? Or was she just, well, horny?

And Erin wonders what’s holding her back? Why isn’t she ready? Holtz is amazing. Absolutely beautiful, inside and out and Erin loves her. Not just as a possible girlfriend, but as a best friend.

They have been friends for a while now, she knows Holtz. Knows how she eats, what music she likes, what clothes she wears. There are no secrets between them. They see each other every day.

So what if it doesn’t work out? What if, for whatever reason, they kiss and then they just… stop. What will happen to the Ghostbusters? And what will happen with Michael?

Holtz will keep him away from her, no doubt. Nobody hangs out with their ex’s kid. Erin will lose this. The weekends. The weird shopping trips. The park.

Erin will be alone. Again.

It’s terrifying.

But what if it does work out? What if they become an actual thing? A couple? Lovers?

She knows she dreams about it, constantly. Awake and asleep, Jillian is always on her mind.

If they… if they get together, what will that mean? For work? Are they going to be weird about it? How are they going to tell Abby and Patty? How will they explain it to Kevin? It’s complicated.

And what would Michael think? Does he understand what love is, romantic love? Will he be okay sharing his sister with Erin? Will Erin be okay sharing Jillian with him? And what if he doesn’t accept them?

What if he does? What will that mean for Erin’s relationship with him? Can she really be like a second parent to him? Will Holtz want her to be a second parent?

That’s terrifying too.

Both options are completely terrifying.

But there’s a difference, Erin thinks. If they don’t work out, she _knows_ what’s going to happen. Things are going to go completely to shit and she’ll be miserable and Holtz will be miserable. She knows that.

If they work out though, if they become a serious, permanent thing, nothing will be certain. Erin can write an entire book of questions about that option. She has no idea what will happen if they’re ever a couple.

So that’s her choice, really. Being miserable or being scared.

Erin knows both emotions pretty well. They usually go hand in hand. And she hates them both with a passion.

She’s been miserable, for years. Ever since she was a small child really. And she’s been scared just as long. But it stopped, eventually, when she became a Ghostbuster. She learned what happiness is really about. She learned to suck it up and be brave.

And she doesn’t want to go back, she doesn’t want to be a scared, mousy shell of a human anymore. She wants to be brave.

She wants to face her fears.

Fuck being scared, Erin is going to kiss Holtz.

Soon.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

_But how?_

 

* * *

 

She gets out of bed eventually, because just laying there, trying to figure out the best way to get a kiss from Holtzmann, is slowly driving her insane.

Holtz is still in the shower even though Erin thinks any regular human would have just dissolved by now. She takes ungodly long showers. But then again, Jillian is not a regular human.

She’s like some kind of beautiful superhero. Supermom. She’s amazing.

Erin shakes her head at her own thoughts, she’s so crazily in love with her. And it’s so scary.

But also, if she’s honest, it’s exciting. It’s really exciting.

It’s not like it’s new discovery, not at all. Erin fell in love with her… well, she can’t remember when. But she did. It’s just that admitting it isn’t always easy. And then they have Michael…

There’s a lot of extras to worry about.

She stumbles to the kitchen in her pajamas. She can’t start breakfast without Holtz, because she isn’t too sure about Michael’s Monday breakfast plan, but she does know where the coffeemaker is, and a cup of hot, bitter coffee is very welcome right now.

That’s how she prefers her coffee, no fancy creams or unhealthy sugar. Just plain black, and strong enough to stand her spoon in it. Holtz won’t even come close to her cups of coffee, she loves her sugary concoctions way too much. If a coffee doesn’t have some form of syrup or whipped cream or worse, those flavored coffee creamers that consist of more sugar than dairy, Holtz won’t even consider drinking it.

It’s cute though. She’ll drink it an such a way that she always ends up with a milk moustache, and the puns that follow are absolutely horrid. Erin pretends to get annoyed by it, but secretly, she loves that part of Holtz. The carefree, happy side. She’s just such a joy to be around.

She starts pouring the ground up coffee into the machine on autopilot, but just as she wants to push the button to start it up, Michael shuffles in.

His hair is sticking out to all sides and he’s still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looks so adorably sleepy, Erin wants to squeal. One glance at the clock tells Erin that’s he’s up too early, just like her.

“Good morning Michael, did you have a good night?”

“Mamama?”

“Jillian is still in the shower, but I think she’ll be out soon?” Erin sadly steps away from the coffeemaker, remembering how much Michael hates the noise it makes. Jillian can make the coffee later, she’s not going to start the week by upsetting Michael like that.

Michael looks a little lost, his breakfast isn’t there, Erin didn’t even set the table yet, and Jillian isn’t there either to give them directions on how to do the morning.

“Maybe we can go get you dressed while we wait for Jillian?” Erin suggests, but Michael shakes his head because that’s probably not how they do things in the morning. And it’s important to stick to his order, Erin knows, it’s just a little frustrating too.

“Can I make your breakfast then? What do you eat on Monday?” She was there last week, but honestly, Erin wasn’t awake enough to really notice what he ate. And messing up his breakfast on Monday will probably mess up his entire week.

“Mamama.” His hands flap around uselessly, and Erin learned that it’s just not something he can really control. It’s more of a tic than an actual way of communication.

Erin chuckles, “I doubt you eat mama, Michael. Do you want to watch cartoons while I get dressed?”

Michael flaps some more and shakes his head.

“Then do you want to help me set the table so we can eat when Jillian is done showering?”

“Mamama.”

Erin sighs, “I know mama usually does that, but if you and I do it for her, she’ll really like that buddy, I promise.”

Michael cocks his head, thinking about it deeply and then he tentatively nods. He’s clearly still unsure, but at least he’s willing to try. For his mama. Erin can understand the sentiment.

“Alright, awesome. You can take the cutlery, and I’ll set the plates? Do you know where everything is?”

He nods again, and this is maybe the closest she’s come to having an actual conversation with him because he’s responded to all of her questions. In his own way, sure, but if she doesn’t understand him, that’s kind of on her right now. She’ll learn though, eventually.

It’s cute to watch him get to work, a look of determination on his face as he carefully puts forks and knives on the table as if it’s the most important thing in the world right now. He even sticks his tongue out a little, as if it would help him concentrate more.

“Good job Michael!” Erin compliments his every move, because she’s being nice but also because she knows that this is a big deal for them as a pair.

“Let me do the plates now Michael, they’re heavy, don’t want you to drop them.” And Michael dutifully shuffles aside to let Erin finish the table.

“That looks great, doesn’t it? Mama will be super happy with us.” She puts her hands on her hips to overlook their work, even if it’s just a stupid set table. Michael mimics her pose, his hands on his sides and his chest puffed out in pride.

They stand there a little awkwardly, because while it might be cute that Michael copies her, now that the table is set, there really isn’t any other activity Erin can think of. He won’t get dressed, he won’t eat, he won’t even watch TV without Jillian there to make it okay for him.

So they stand there, not looking at each other, like an awkward silence times 100.

But Erin can’t think about that, or shouldn’t think about that. Because look at what they did, what they accomplished together. Michael made it clear to her what he didn’t want from her, which is the closest to communication that they’ve ever come. And then they worked together to set the table, something that doesn’t look like a big deal, but they’ve never done that together before. And Michael _hates_ doing things that he hasn’t done before.

And they did it anyway.

All that in one morning, that’s more than a success. That’s a victory.

She has to say something.

“I’m proud of you Michael. You did something new today, and I’m really proud. And it means a lot to me that you tried something new with me.”

Michael doesn’t really look at her, or respond in any way, but she knows he heard her. That’s more important.

“Eriiiiiiiiiiin?” She hears Holtz whine for her from somewhere in the apartment, “Babe, why are you up? Come back to beeeeeeeeeeed?”

Erin chuckles, raising her voice, but still mindful not to shout next to Michael, “I’m in the kitchen with Michael.”

“ _Oh shit…_ ” Holtz stumbles into the kitchen, looking a little flushed, “Hiiiiiii Michael, you are up _way_ too early buddy.” She grimaces guiltily, and frankly it’s pretty hilarious to Erin, “Did he… uh… notice…?”

“Notice what? You’re foiled attempt at getting me back into bed with you?” Erin can’t help but tease, “He has no idea, don’t worry.”

“Good, that’s good… I mean, not _good_ , just, I should talk to him before… you know.” Holtz’s hands flail around trying to explain herself without making her sound like an ass.

“I know.” Erin smiles, because yeah, Michael definitely needs a conversation about them before he just walks in on something that he shouldn’t see. Not that there are things that he shouldn’t see. Not yet anyway. “Michael and I set the table, do you like it?”

“Love it. Good morning, by the way.” Holtz wraps herself around her, kissing Erin’s cheek sweetly, “This would be so much better if we were still in bed.”, she whispers.

“I wouldn’t have gotten up if you hadn’t, sweetheart.”

“Touché my love.”

“Mamama!”

Erin chuckles, “Yeah mama, he’s right. Go cook breakfast instead of trying to corrupt me.”

“I see how it is, you’re only keeping me around for my food.” Holtz pretends to be offended, “Alright, alright, go sit down. You want coffee baby?”

“God yes.”

Holtz starts floating around her kitchen, making coffee and putting a bowl of cereal in front of her brother and starting on some toast. All Erin can do is stare at her, and she understands why Abby says she makes hearteyes at the engineer. She can’t help it, Jillian is amazing to watch.

“After breakfast you’re going to go get dressed on your own, okay Michael?” Jillian says, “And I’ll make your lunchbox. Do you want carrots or cucumber spears?”

Michael casts a shy glance at Erin, like he’s a little unsure and a little embarrassed, but he mumbles, “Cues.”

Jillian shakes her head, “Cucumber _please_.”

Again, he looks at Erin, well not really looking, just in her general direction, then back to Jillian, but he can’t manage to say more. He hums a little distressed, because it’s too much. There’s obviously only so much he can do in one morning.

“Fine, fine. Thank you for trying though.” Jillian smiles just as brightly at him as she always does, Erin carefully watches for any sign of disappointment or frustration, but she honestly can’t find a single one.

It just further proves her point, Jillian is perfect.

 

* * *

 

Michael’s school is just so un-school-ish, Erin doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to it. It _looks_ exactly like any other school, bright and colorful and decorated with kids’ drawings. But it doesn’t _sound_ like a school.

It’s quiet and calm. Nothing like the other schools Erin has ever seen. No kids shouting happily, or playing or doing pretty much anything.

It looks a little sad, but at the same time, Erin knows that this is the best place for Michael to ever be. He’s surrounded by professionals and all the possible means to help him with his disability. It’s an amazing place, really.

The teachers greet all their kids by name, because they know them. And they know what kind of greeting each kid prefers. And even the other parents know which kid is which, especially Holtzmann.

Erin hangs back while Holtz waves to everyone, her usual excitable energy bringing a smile to all the other parents.

She’s so beautiful to watch, Erin doesn’t even mind being a bystander. She almost prefers watching Holtz be _Holtz._

And, you know, the fact that Jillian doesn’t ever let go of her hand is a very nice bonus. The perfect bonus actually.

Michael doesn’t care for the adult smalltalk at all, he just lets go of Jillian and moves straight to his seat in the classroom. It’s so _Michael_ that it doesn’t even surprise Erin at all.

“Hi miss Chloe!” Jillian waves at Michael’s teacher, “So what’s my boy learning today?”

Chloe smiles widely, because she’s the kind of overly cheery teacher that this school needs.

“We have a little talk session schedule, some music therapy and maths.”

“Yikes, all that on a Monday?” Jillian pulls a face, “He’s going to be grumpy all week.”

“Well, we know Michael doesn’t like music, so he usually takes his quiet time during music therapy. But for some kids it really does work.” Chloe pulls a face.

“I know, I know,” Jillian waves her concern off, “I just wish we could figure out what works for Michael.”

Chloe nods, “We’ll get there. Every kid develops at their own rhythm.”

“It’s just hard not to worry. Last week, I don’t know if something happened here, but he was not himself and I, well Erin figured it out,” Holtz waves to her with her free hand, “Erin figured out he felt stupid? Did he get a bad review on something?”

Chloe shakes her head, “No, but I’ll ask the other teachers? I’ll pay attention to it, thanks for mentioning that. And good job noticing Doctor Gilbert.”

“Uh, yeah.” Erin mumbles a little awkwardly.

“I’m glad you have some more support now at home Jillian, you look a lot calmer.” Chloe compliments, her eyes wandering to their intertwined hands.

Erin wants to say something to set her straight, but Jillian just squeezes her hand and smiles.

“Yeah, it’s been really nice, just having an adult conversation at home really does so much . I’m just a little unsure on how to break it to Michael.”

“Can’t help you with that one.” Chloe chuckles, “But you’re the Michael expert, so I’m sure it’ll be fine. And he _loves_ Doctor Gilbert. He’s mentioned her quite a bit.”

“Yeah I know. It’ll be fine. Anyway, we should get a move on. Don’t wanna be late.” Jillian is all smiles, but Erin can feel that all isn’t as great as it usually is.

So they say goodbye to Michael quickly, because he doesn’t get drawn out goodbyes, and they hit the road again.

“Something wrong?” Erin asks, Jillian is being a little silent.

“Sure.” Holtz mumbles, proving to Erin just how absentminded she is. Holtzmann would never not pay attention to her.

“ _Jill_ …”

Jillian sighs, “I told someone we’re dating. _Again._ Without asking you. _Again_.”

_Oh._

“And now I’m kind of waiting for you to freak out on me.”

The _again_ is implied but at least Holtz is kind enough not to rub it in.

Jillian looks sullen, not quite managing to meet Erin’s eyes when she speaks.

And Erin can’t blame her, because last time this happened, she handled it less than well. But it wasn’t all bad, was it?

It gave them _this._ It gave them a chance to actually try to date.

Erin takes Holtz’s hand in hers, intertwining their fingers. Holtz only holds her hand when Michael is with them, but Erin has to admit that she misses Jillian’s rough fingers rubbing against her own. She doesn’t have delicate hands or pretty hands, they’re calloused and always covered in scrapes and cuts. But they’re strong, capable. Those hands have kept them all save against ghosts, they’ve build machines Erin hadn’t even dared dream of before she met Holtz.

She loves Jillian’s hands.

She loves Jillian. And maybe she can prove it to her today.

“Have lunch with me today?” Erin suggests, ignoring the nervous swirl of nausea in stomach.

Holtz doesn’t smile widely though, she frowns, “We have lunch every day?”

“No…” Erin smiles, “With me. Not Abby and Patty. Just me.”

“What are they going to eat then? Are we going to pick something up for them?”

Erin kind of hates that she has to spell this out. For a genius, Holtz is pretty dumb sometimes.

“Jillian. Have lunch with _me_ today. Nobody else. Just me and you. _Alone_.”

Erin can see Jillian’s brain processing the information, and she swears she can pinpoint the exact moment Jillian catches on. Her mouth falls open just the tiniest bit and her eyes widen, and then she smiles. Erin could watch her smile all day.

“You asking me out Gilbert?”

Erin chuckles, “I am asking you out Holtzmann.”

Jillian smiles widens impossibly, “You’re paying though.”

And Erin rolls her eyes, because of course Jillian can’t just say _yes_ like a normal person.

“Do you even own a wallet?”

“Why don’t you check my pockets and find out?” Holtz winks teasingly.

Erin just groans and lets Holtz tug her along the streets of New York.

 

* * *

 

They crash through the door, nearly knocking Abby over in the process. Erin is wheezing for breath and giggling like a teenager at the same time, but she can’t care that she sounds like a snorting pig.

Holtz had of course deemed it necessary to start poking her in the sides on the way over to the firehouse and Erin was having so much fun trying to avoid her incessant fingers that they accidentally on purpose raced each other to the firehouse.

Now Jillian hands find her hips and Erin is being held from behind but she doesn’t mind, because Holtz screams: “Gotcha!”

They’re chuckling and laughing and Holtz is so close and maybe this is it. This is the moment Erin has been waiting for all morning.

She’s trying to turn around in Jillian’s tight embrace, but naturally, that’s the moment Abby chooses to start making barfing noises.

_Really mature._

“Seems like you two had a good weekend.” Patty teases.

“The best.” Holtz brags and her hug get that little bit tighter and she rubs her cheek against Erin’s and Erin can just _feel_ her smile and she’s definitely swooning.

“Don’t have sex in front of me.” Abby deadpans.

Erin wants to roll her eyes or come up with some kind of response but Holtz beats her to it.

“Is that a challenge? Because I’ve been dying to put these babies into motion.” She wiggles her fingers obscenely. Erin thought about her hands and fingers before, but now she’s suddenly hit with _way_ different thoughts.

“What? Ew Holtz! No! Too far Holtzmann!” Abby screeches and Holtz’s following chuckle just makes Erin’s heart dance with joy. Because even her gross innuendo is lovely now.

“Eh too bad.” Holtz shrugs and brings her attention back to Erin, “I’m gonna get to work on your shotgun. See you at lunchtime?”

They’re not having their kiss now, that’s for sure. Not with Abby looking at them like they’re naked and Patty grinning. It’s just not the right time at all. But it’s okay, they have time. And they have a lunchdate waiting for them.

“Can’t wait, baby.”

They have all the time in the world.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is in no means a way to be rude or inconsiderate to autistic people. I write from what I have seen and experienced in my own family, there's no stereotyping or finger pointing, it's just my own experience.


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